Go Away I'm Reading

Aaron's Rotten Advice: May 20, 2011 ("For You, It's Rapture, For Me, It's RUPTURE") Edition

2011-05-20T17:46:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: I have always had a close relationship with my in-laws, dating back 22 years. Recently, my sister-in-law (who is a recovering drug addict) decided to live in one of my in-laws' homes along with her boyfriend.

For more than 15 years, my husband and I and our now-teenage children have visited these in-laws for our yearly family vacation. We found out that this boyfriend was recently arrested for beating my sister-in-law.

In the past, he has been arrested for assault, fraud and drug possession with the intent to sell (he was in prison for this). He recently relapsed and has been caught with cocaine in his vehicle.

My husband decided we should not bring the children in close contact with this man. We asked my in-laws to make sure that we would have no contact with him when we visited. They declined.

We then canceled our much-cherished family trip, and they have cut off contact with my husband and me. I am distraught. Any suggestions on how to repair this?

— SAD DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Forget it. Go to Disney World this year instead. As far as your in-laws, if they choose to let this scumbag live in their house and beat their daughter, more fool they. If they ever want to know what eventually happens to people who allow dangerous felons free reign around their home, tell them to Google “Madalyn Murray O’Hair.”

DEAR ABBY: “Maya” and I competed throughout high school. We shared common interests. Even friends, who would blow me off to hang out with her.

We were involved in speech and debate and were nominated for the girls’ state team. I was deemed “too qualified,” so Maya got the nomination. She ran against me for speech president and I won by a huge margin.

Later, to my chagrin, I discovered we’d be going to the same college. I was told I’d probably never see her because of the large campus. Well, last semester she joined two activities I’m involved in. We rushed for a prestigious pre- law organization. She was accepted; I wasn’t.

Maya is pretty, popular and charming. After all these coincidences, we’ll probably end up in the same law firm. What can I do to stop feeling so awful about myself as Maya continues to take away all the things I care about most?

-- TIRED OF SECOND PLACE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Don’t get your panties bunched, Romy. It’s a fact of life that pretty people have an easier time of it—yes, I know this to my everlasting, bitter chagrin—but look at it this way: you’re still in college. Some day, you’ll both be old. Let’s see how popular she is when she’s standing on her own boobs.

DEAR ELLIE: At 21, I was a virgin by intention, and had only been in a brief relationship with one person until I met my now ex-boyfriend. He was my age, had only had one brief relationship, and was also a virgin.

I felt so comfortable, unpressured, and completely happy with him. After two months of dating we decided to be each other's "firsts." Our relationship continued to develop, but finding time together between work and school became difficult.

We grew apart; he'd disappear for weeks. Eventually, he sent me an email saying he was no longer committed to our relationship and it's best if we move on. After a week of not reaching him, I replied, agreeing.

Several months later, I can't get over him. I cry constantly and can't sleep. I'm feeling that the only way to get over him is to talk to him face to face. But would that be smart?

-LOST

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

No. For “time together between work and school became difficult,” read “he lost interest after you gave it up to him because he’s a prick.” If you see him in person now, you’ll just end up slugging him.

You know what? On second thought, call him. And call me right afterwards so I can bring my video camera.

DEAR MARGO: Two years post-divorce, I have been trying to date again. A nice man I have much in common with told me in October that he'd like to get to know me better, but nothing has come of it. Instead, he spends hours texting without trying to set up any sort of a date, sends inappropriate texts for the level of relationship we have, refuses to reveal his schedule or anything else that might aid in our dating -- or in getting to know each other at all, for that matter.

After four months of waiting, I feel that I should just move on. It seems that texting is the only relationship he has to offer. This is so sad. Can anything here be saved?

-- SICK OF TEXTS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yeah--your sanity. You can do this by sending him one last message: “c ya, d-bag.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS – A relative of mine sent me a link to a web page containing what looks like an invitation to the wedding of another relative. I am nonplussed, because this web page says things like, “thank you for participating in our wedding,” and “all are invited to our rehearsal dinner at such-and-such on the evening before.”

The bride, a CLOSER relative than the one who sent me this link, has NOT told me or my wife that we are requested or invited, yet this is the second time a relative has told us about this wedding.

They DO know that we are financially challenged and it would be a considerable expense for us to travel to the wedding thousands of miles away, yet we STILL have received no word from the bride herself for whom I am a very close relative. How on earth should I/we respond to such an indirect invitation?

--WALLFLOWER

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You don’t. Since you didn’t get the link from the bride herself, there’s no reason to assume you are invited. Look at it this way: now you’re not on the hook for a gift.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: March 18, 2011 ("Hung Over and Hung Out to Dry") Edition

2011-03-18T16:53:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: I have lived with a man for 10 years.

He had a great job but lost it after many years because of an indiscretion on his part. He has refused to find any meaningful employment since then. He has never gone outside of the "box" and doesn't seem to have much imagination or sense of adventure.

Good fortune has come recently because of a lottery win, and now the two of us are self-sufficient. Prior to this win, I was always very content with my life and very happy with my seasonal position. I wish to continue this scenario for the next couple of years. (I am only 57 years old.) This job has kept me in contact with the outside world and always gives me a sense of accomplishment.

My "spouse," on the other hand, indicates that he wants me to give this all up in order to accompany him in his daily life because he has no "life" of his own.
He still remains inside the "box."

I continue to encourage him to do his own thing on occasion but have had difficulty in doing so. Any suggestions?

— LOTTERY WINNER

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Where does he expect you to “accompany” him? The bathroom? Take some of your share of the money and go on a trip somewhere nice. Tell him he can go live in that “box” in the back yard.

DEAR ABBY: While standing in a checkout line yesterday, I witnessed a cashier speak to the older woman in front of me in a condescending manner. She kept calling her “Sweetie” and talking to her as if she were a 3-year-old. The woman was obviously offended, but said nothing.

I experienced this kind of behavior often when my mother was alive. Receptionists, waitresses, store clerks and others would direct their questions to me and talk to me while my mother stood there, perfectly capable of answering the questions herself. I’m sure these people did not intend to be rude or disrespectful. However, it was extremely annoying to both Mother and me.

Because a person is elderly does not mean he or she is senile. Regardless of their mental capacity, older people have earned the right to be treated with dignity and respect

— OFFENDED IN KINGSPORT, TENN.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

If your mother was “perfectly capable,” then why the hell didn’t she speak up?

I agree that it’s disrespectful to underestimate elderly folks and treat them like children, and the “sweetie/ honey” thing can backfire because it can be a little over-familiar for some people. But let’s keep things in perspective. Some people address others that way because they don’t want to appear too formal and intimidating, and they’re trying to put the other person at ease.

Besides, quite frankly, there are worse things to be called. Don’t ask me how I know this.

DEAR ELLIE: I've been married for six years, we have two kids. I love my husband but he has two children from his first marriage, and his ex hasn't moved on. He's hidden things and lied to me.... e.g.: going out with her with the kids. When confronted, he said he didn't want a fight.

Recently, he "had to pick her up from the hospital after surgery," she'd asked him not to tell me. But it was only plastic surgery. It seems the doctor had said not to take a cab... that's crap, as she was driving the next day.

I'm upset that he agreed to hide that he drove her home. His response: She didn't want to hurt you. Is she that stupid not to know that saying things like this will ruin any couple's relationship? Are my husband's actions not proving to her that he accepts deceiving me?

He says he's not cheating. I've told him not to ruin his present for the past.

He says I'm jealous of her. Would he allow me to do these things with an ex? I suggested counseling. He refuses. I'm feeling I have to leave this mess.

--DISAPPOINTED AND UNHAPPY

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Come on, think about this: she had to have some kind of plastic surgery. She’s probably a double-bagger. What are you so insecure about?

DEAR MARGO: I am 47, the mother of three great kids, with a wonderful husband. Now that my kids are older, I've decided to pursue the career I always wanted: nursing. I was accepted into a nursing program, and it turned out that I was able to get financial aid to help pay for it. I couldn't be happier that I have been given this amazing opportunity.

The problem? I had every intention of keeping my job as a teacher's aide at a high school in another town, but after attending a few of the nursing classes and speaking with the career counselor, I realized the workload would be too much and I needed to choose one or the other. I chose nursing. I knew it was last minute, so I offered to work until a replacement was found, but they accepted my resignation "effective immediately."

Now my former colleagues, who I thought were my friends, will not call me back. I have called and sent e-mails and Facebook messages asking how they are doing, but I have yet to receive an answer. Needless to say, I am heartbroken. My husband says there is nothing more I can do and I should just let it go, but I am struggling with this, feeling both guilty and sad.

— FUTURE NURSE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your husband’s right. It’s possible that the friendship was deeper on your side than theirs, so just let it go.

And remember, you’ll be a nurse soon. One day, there’s a chance one of these “friends” may come to you to get blood drawn. Make it hurt.

DEAR MISS MANNERS – I am wondering if it is rude to ask a bride to repay me for all of the purchases I made for her wedding since it did not last a year.
I know that she is supposed to return gifts she received from the wedding, so I am wondering if the same rule applies to the wedding party. I never wanted to be in the wedding but since it was family I had to say yes.

--TIGHT-ASS TILLIE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Actually, neither rule applies. Gifts don’t have to be returned except in the case of a cancelled wedding.

As far as the stuff you bought her, get over yourself. How much of a refund do you think you’re really going to get on a few boxes of Pamprin and some hair rollers?

Aaron's Rotten Advice: March 11, 2011 ("Some Days I'm Just Dry, and This Is One of 'Em") Edition

2011-03-12T12:58:00.003-05:00

DEAR AMY: I am a happily married 45-year-old woman with three school-age children.

I took a job driving a cab in the worst part of town because I was bored sitting around the house.

I love my job, even though it is unhealthy and dangerous and the money isn't that great. I just really love the people and driving. My family and everyone else is appalled and want me to do something different.

I went out yesterday and obtained a job as a companion. I haven't started yet, but I already know how bored I am going to be.

Any suggestions on how to make the best of it?

— HAPPY CABBIE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I’m not sure what sort of “companion” you’ve signed on as, but if it’s what I think it is, you can have just as much excitement in the cab if you just move the seats back. And since you seem to "love the people" in that part of town so much, here's good news: they're the same people!

In any event, get the money up front and tell them nothing too kinky.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man, but not happily. I have been taking the kids on play dates with a neighbor woman who has been kind enough to meet with the children and doesn't seem to care too much that I'm a guy. As you can imagine, most women will not bother to befriend a man they know is married.

She has two kids who are close in age to mine. She is 19 years younger than I am and lives with her boyfriend.

I have fallen in love with her. I know I can't tell her, and I doubt she feels the same toward me. When we part, we do hug each other. It makes me feel fantastic, something I haven't experienced for a long time.

Should I continue getting together with her or should I avoid her? I feel both happy and sad when I see her because I realize she is basically out of reach.

- PERPLEXED IN WISCONSIN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yeah, see this is why most women don’t want to make friends with married men—you always want to be “friends with benefits.”

Why are you hugging this woman at all? These are kids’ play dates, not a birth coaching class—get a grip and go home to your wife. Buy a “toy” on the way home—that might be the first step towards marital happiness.

DEAR ELLIE: I just finished paying off $20,000 in student loans, in 18 months. I want to travel, as I've never been anywhere. I've been looking for inexpensive resorts but my husband won't spend his hard-earned money on a "trashy" vacation.

When I started looking for exclusive resorts, he said, "That's just too expensive!" Do I just go by myself? I feel he's turning something celebratory into this big drama. And like I have no one in my corner wanting to celebrate my accomplishments with me.

--PUZZLED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Congratulations on paying off your debt so quickly--$20,000 in 18 months is pretty damn impressive. I only owed $12,000 after the grants and what I payed myself, and it still took me 10 years. 10 years of toil, aging and decrepitude…

You know what? I’m envious of you now, and seething with resentment. In fact, I don’t feel like answering your question anymore. What was it again? Oh, yeah, the vacation. Go wherever you want, I don’t give a shit.

DEAR MARGO: I’m living with my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. I’m an only child, but my mother has three sisters. I have no one to relieve me once in a while so I can have time for myself. I’m also under a doctor’s care, and she told me I was to take at least two days a week and get out. I can’t do this. My mother is very headstrong and will not allow anyone in the house who is a stranger — and she will not go anywhere.

Now I have another problem. I reconnected with my first love, but he lives in another state. I so want to move out there to be with him, but I don’t know what to do about Mom. I would only be gone three or four months of the year. (The rest of the time I would be living here with Mom.) I’m hoping to be with him this month. He is very understanding and hopeful. He is 64 and retiring this year, and I’m 61 and want to make a life on my own with him. What can I do?

–WANTING A LIFE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

So just where are the three Gorgon sisters while you’re stuck in the house?? Tell one of them to waddle over once or twice a week with her stack of Enquirers and her box of Depends and sit with her sister. How exhausting could it be? You should be doing what the doctor says, or you’ll get run down and sick yourself, and you won’t be any good to your mom at all.

As far as your old flame, you can’t leave your mom for months at a time, obviously, but why can’t he come visit you periodically? Tell the lazy turd to hop on a plane and get his bony old ass where you are, pronto. (And here’s a tip: it would help if you met him at the airport in a corset and riding crop. No, don't ask questions.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My stepson is estranged from his father, and I want to include him in the obit but not list him as his son. May I do this? However, I want to list my children from another marriage but not indicate they are stepchildren. Please advise. This is a ticklish subject.

--YOKO-ESQUE
AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Gee, I wonder how he became “estranged?” Let’s all put our thinking caps on and puzzle this one out, hmm?

.

Aaron's Rotten Advice - Feb. 25, 2011 ("4-5 inches tonight, and none of them mine") Edition

2011-02-25T17:32:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: We just celebrated my daughter's first birthday with a wonderful party at a lovely catering hall. We had live entertainment, food, an open bar for the adults, flowers, balloons, favors -- you name it!

I spent months planning for this party to make it a perfect event. This is my third child and every party has been a big event like this one. I put a lot of time into planning my children's parties and thoroughly enjoy doing it.
My problem is rude guests!

I had more than half of the party (20 families) respond several days past the RSVP date (I sent out the invitations six weeks ahead of time so they had plenty of time to respond). They showed up 1-2 hours late to the party with no apology or explanation (some left early).

These guests took it upon themselves to sit wherever they wanted, even when I had place cards with assigned seating that I spent several hours organizing.

These perpetrators do things like this at every party. As much as I love to throw parties for my children, in the end, I find myself disappointed, insulted and feeling used.

Should I stop having these parties or should I continue doing what my children and I enjoy and ignore the rudeness? Please tell me what I should do.

--MANIC MOMMY

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

My first suggestion is that you visit your shrink and ask him to change your meds, because whatever you’re popping now clearly isn’t working.

I’ve never heard of anyone renting an expensive hall for a one-year-old’s birthday party--especially with an open bar. How many infant alcoholics do you know? I don’t know whether to laugh or cry—and your guests probably didn’t either. When they got your invitation, they probably thought that either: a.) it was a gag; or b.) you’re a dangerous and unbalanced person whom they don’t want to spend too much time around (hence the late arrivals). In any case, you say they’ve behaved this way before, which at least suggests that you don’t learn well from experience—so if it chaps your ass, stop inviting them.

As far as seating arrangements, I really think you wasted your time there. A one-year-old doesn’t really give a shit where the guests sit. In fact, she probably spent the whole time sitting in her own shit, wondering when you were going to change her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my friend "Nyla." She's 15 and pregnant. Nyla and her family are happy about it! As her friend, I'm not. I think she should have waited.

I keep telling her that her life is ruined and she'll regret having a baby this early, but she doesn't listen. It would be better if she had help, but she doesn't. Nyla's family is poor.

Now she is angry with me because of what I keep telling her. What can I do to help her understand me, and not get mad when I tell her something?

-- VIRGINIA TEEN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Try shutting up. This kid is going through enough right now without listening to you cluck at her about her “ruined life,” Henny Penny.

What makes you the expert, anyway? If she and her family can be happy about this baby despite being poor, then they obviously know something you don’t, so just leave them alone and go about your own business. Go to your cheerleading practice or Chastity Belt Club, or quilting bees, or however the hell you amuse yourself.

DEAR ELLIE: My twin sister's an accomplished professional, raised in a loving family, and has a heart of gold.

She'd dated someone for seven years, which ended with her in hysterics and crying uncontrollably. She's always suffered from low self-esteem and confidence, struggled with weight and some health problems, plus she has issues with men leaving her (at 19, we lost our father unexpectedly). She hasn't dated much, and then met a man from an African country. They've been together for four years.

He'd moved here, had a one-night stand, and got a woman pregnant. They married, mostly because he feared deportation. He says the mom was "crazy" so he got custody and sent the child back to Africa to be raised by his family. He then met my sister. After eight months' dating, he moved away to a university to get his degree accredited. While there, he'd lie to her, and often disallow her visiting him.

She once found condom wrappers under his bed. He talked his way out of it. She eventually moved there but he'd hang out with friends in another city, leaving her at their home. He's lured women on social networking and dating sites. (I was with her when one girl trying to contact him on my sister's laptop explained this to us.) He's also spent money my sister didn't know about until after, has driven drunk and with no insurance...and more.

She supported him through school and now that he has a job, he's spending large amounts of money without consulting her. Yet her main concern when considering breaking it off, is, "What is he going to do? Where is he going to go?"
My mother and I had to distance ourselves as he convinced her we were trying to break them up. Now he's bringing over his son, four, to live with my sister and him part-time. She's to host his grandma and sister for a month while they see he's settled.

She won't call a halt or consider options. The child's biological mom lives on government assistance by lying that she still had the child with her. My sister's boyfriend goes along with this and hasn't divorced her.

The only stable/responsible person is my sister, who I can see bearing the brunt of this transition, financially and emotionally. The child only knows his father from recent weekend chats over Skype.

How do we support her when we don't approve or like her situation or her boyfriend?

-WORRIED SICK

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Call immigration, then call social services. I’m sure one of them will have something to say about his abandonment of his child, not to mention the sham “green card” marriage. While you're at it, call Bellevue on your sister. If it pisses her off, so be it. She’s obviously too stupid to know shit from pudding, anyway. Besides, you know damn well that while she refuses to dig herself out of this mess, you’re the ones who will have to listen to her bitch about it.

DEAR MARGO: In May of '83, when I was 18 and my brothers were 16 and 14, my mother died after a struggle with brain cancer. By July, my father had disposed of all her things, and by September, he had a girlfriend (14 years younger) and was spending all of his free time at her house instead of with my brothers.

By Christmas, he had scheduled a wedding for July of '84 and made plans to sell our house because his girlfriend was uncomfortable knowing our mother had lived there. When my middle brother and I objected to how quickly things were changing, Dad insisted that his happiness was the only thing that counted.

He got married, moved to the neighborhood his wife chose, and forbade us to talk about our mother. I was not allowed to live at the new house during summer vacations from college or to move home even briefly after graduating. I was treated as though my unhappiness with the situation was that of an immature troublemaker, not a grieving child. Since then, I've suffered from recurring depression.

I entered therapy and now am much better, except for one thing: I truly hate my father and his wife for the way they treated us, and I hate that my father managed to replace my mother so quickly and then tried to erase her existence. It's the most honest emotion I've had in the past quarter-century. I want to say, "Bleep you and get out of my life." However, my father will soon be 80, and I wonder if it would be cruel to tell him how I feel and kinder just to keep avoiding him. This situation is making me ill, but I just can't figure out what to do.

— TIED UP IN OLD KNOTS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I don’t know if it’s "kinder" or not (and really, who cares?), but it’s probably more comfortable for you if you just stay away from him. He’s never cared about your feelings before, so he’s not likely to now--and at his age, if you say “Fuck you,” he’ll probably forget five minutes later. What fun is that?

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

Today I was going through paperwork, arranging it for tax purposes.
It's necessary to point out that I am 10 years delinquent in contending with filing, due to PTSD, and have not been able to open so much as a bill (most things are paid out of my accounts direct) unless it is very easy to identify.

Much of the year I've worked with a therapist in preparing to overcome this. At first, mere mention would create an emotional and physical response that was rather out of context. I would be gridlocked for days at an e-mail talking about needing to do it. We got to the point I could handle this year's, which would still avoid the most painful of the paperwork, and help me develop a routine in simply working with any paperwork. The catalyst is my son is going into college, and I don't want my impairments to impair him from getting financial help.

A friend came over today to "help" and happened upon a Social Security document that was very personal inside. He laughed upon opening and reading it, though there had been no need because the front was clearly marked and could therefore be properly filed without personal information being read. It was my yearly statement about lifelong contributions.

It was a clear setback. My heart raced (and I had a heart attack two weeks ago), breathing became difficult, and I wasn't able to continue. I told him that felt very inappropriate and went to my room to be alone.

My therapist friend recommended I write to you and ask how that could have better been navigated had I had the presence of mind to be forthright, a prepared statement, so to speak. Perhaps with your insights I could handle that better myself should it come again.

--PITY PARTY

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I wouldn’t worry about it—I don’t think you’ll have a chance to get to that point again. If this guy has any smarts, he won’t waste his time trying to “help” you. And you can bet he’ll spread the word to warn off your other friends, too. I don’t know what trauma caused your PTSD, or why it’s specific to tax season. Were you attacked by a CPA? Choke on a paperclip? Sit on a pencil?

Whatever the cause, you might want to get on Craigslist or eBay to sell some of your shit—you’ll need the money to pay the government the back taxes you owe when they come after your whiny, cry-baby ass.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: February 18, 2011 ("More Short, Less Sweet") Edition

2011-02-18T17:42:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: I'm a 27-year-old, well-educated man with a good job and plans for an even better future.

I have many friends and a pretty good life. I'm single, and it doesn't bother me at all, though I don't plan on being single forever. However, the fact that I'm single bothers my mother.

I generally have a good relationship with her, and during my weekly calls home, I mention my friends, their kids, etc. My mother, seeking to be helpful, sends baby clothes for me to give to my friends. I hate doing this.

First of all, I'm perfectly capable of giving gifts to my friends on my own. But she has started sending this clothing to me unsolicited, without any mention of anyone having a new baby. This is obviously a not-so-subtle (and extraordinarily annoying) hint that she wants me to have kids.

What is the best way to tell her to stop spending her time and money sending me this stuff? Telling her to butt out doesn't help.

— SICK AND TIRED SON

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Tell her your dogs love the sweaters, but they can’t pee through the pants—ask her to send miniskirts instead.

DEAR ABBY: Two of my children, ages 28 and 30 and college-educated, have what they call “bill paying anxiety.” It doesn’t matter if they have the money or not, they find it difficult to pay their bills. They have both lost their licenses for not paying traffic tickets, but that hasn’t taught either one of them a lesson. Any advice on how to help them?

-ANXIOUS MOM IN WASHINGTON

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

If they’re 28 and 30, I think it’s time you stopped helping them, actually. Except perhaps to remind them that “bill-paying anxiety,” if left unchecked, will lead to “eviction notice anxiety.”

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a male, 33, my girlfriend of one year is 36. We want to live together. However, my parents are very religious and I fear being "terrorized" by them for wanting to live with her.

They're constantly prying on my private life and I feel I can't do anything about it.

-ANONYMOUS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

“Terrorized?!” What the hell are they going to do, firebomb your house?? Grow a pair and tell them you’re an adult and you’ll do as you please. I’m assuming you’re financially independent, so there should be nothing they can hold over you – if they don’t like it, they can leave their fortune to a cat home.

DEAR MARGO: My 27-year-old daughter is dating a nice 27-year-old man. They seem to be getting along well, and this could become more permanent. My problem is that the young man calls my husband (my daughter’s stepfather) “Buddy” every time we see them. My husband hates the casual reference. My daughter and I have both asked this young man to call my husband by his first name. He doesn’t see any disrespect in calling him Buddy and doesn’t plan to change. The boyfriend says he refers to everyone as Buddy (young and old) and not one other person has told him they didn’t like it. He says he’s just a friendly guy.

What’s that all about, and are we being old-fashioned? My husband doesn’t want to be around the boyfriend because of this, and it’s making it hard to develop a relationship with someone who could eventually be my son-in-law.

–WE ALL HAVE NAMES

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Have you considered that your daughter’s boyfriend calls your husband “Buddy” because he can’t remember his name? This suggests that your husband is not very memorable, and needs to do something to really distinguish himself in the younger man’s eyes.

So I suggest the next time he comes to visit, your husband should answer the door in a diaper. I guarantee you he’ll never forget again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend is very fastidious about raising her two daughters to have impeccable manners. Their table manners are beautiful.

However, one aspect of their education has been overlooked. Her young girls (9 and 11) are constantly correcting anyone, including adults, about what they perceive to be lapses in good manners.

One example is when they very smugly reprimanded me that I shouldn’t have my elbows on the table after dinner. Their mother seems to be proud that her girls are “leading the charge.”

I adore these young ladies but would like them to be more respectful of me and my family. We take manners seriously in our home, too, and that includes being courteous to others. How can I gently ask them to refrain from this behavior?

-EGGSHELLS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Why, exactly, do you “adore” these young “ladies?” They sound like sanctimonius little bitches, and your “friend” is not doing them any favors by letting them forget their place.

Next time they tell you to take your elbows off the table, remind them that you’re a taxpaying adult who can put your elbows wherever you want, including upside their heads if they don’t shut the hell up.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: November 19, 2010 ("Jive Talkin' from a Jive Turkey") Edition

2010-11-19T16:38:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: I recently moved across the country to be with my longtime guy, "Chad." It was a long process that also meant my ex-husband and two children moved to this area to accommodate my relationship.

My ex-husband has purchased a house in an expensive suburb, and the children are attempting to adapt to the new school, but things are getting more complicated for me.

We all agreed that my ex-husband would not pay child support when the move was on the table.

I am not yet working, although I am actively hunting.

Chad insists that it is not his job to pay for any activities of any sort for my children, ages 7 and 10.

He is uncomfortable dining out with them, as he says "we aren't a family." He is in the top 1 percent of American wage earners and is contemplating joining an expensive, private and exclusive golf club.

He calls me his "almost wife," and I gather that means we share all the intimacy and none of the financial responsibility.

My small nest egg from the untimely sale of our home is shrinking because I have been buying most of the groceries.

My anxiety is increasing as the holidays are approaching, and Chad's adult children (whom I have not met after a five-year relationship) are highly resentful of our relationship.

Chad told me yesterday that his son never visits his home because of me.

Oddly, I ran a highly successful business before this move, and my recent missteps have left me in a tailspin. I am open to leaving the boyfriend, but please offer some input.

— THE ALMOST WIFE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Let’s recap: you divorced a guy who was willing to move across the country with your kids to accommodate you. Your new guy can’t even be bothered to even take you and your kids out to dinner, despite his wealth. And you moved across the country to be with this guy?

Dumbass.

Has he even mentioned marriage? I didn’t think so. I got news for you: you’re not an “almost wife.” You’re basically his concubine. Is that what you had in mind when you gave up a successful career and left your home for Howard Hughes, Jr.?

See if your ex-husband will take you back. You threw away a silk purse for a sow’s ear.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 33-year-old male who has finally found the love of my life. My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. Needless to say, an engagement is right around the corner.

I have a sister who has struggled her entire life dating the wrong men. She's beautiful inside and out. She called me last night crying, asking me why men always cheat on her.

Most people would assume that the use of the word "always" is an exaggeration. I would have to say that 90 percent of her boyfriends, have indeed, cheated on her one way or another -- whether it was in high school, or when she dated a race car driver or, more recently, an acquaintance of mine.
What can I say to reassure her that there are some good guys left in this world who
won't cheat?

- LOOKING FOR ANSWERS FOR SIS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

To begin with, I’d hold off on announcing the “around-the-corner” engagement. Somehow, I don’t think that will be well-received just now. As for reassuring her of decent guys, don’t bother. There are really only about three left, and she’s probably related to all of them, which makes it a moot point.

Has she considered taking Holy Orders?

DEAR ELLIE: I've been dating a lady for several months. Initially, there was intimacy, but no longer any intimacy.

Although I've never paid attention to other women or given her any reason for mistrust, she doesn't trust me, and is constantly looking for excuses to end the relationship.

She seizes upon any comment that could be interpreted as negative and gets very angry.

She just told me she hates her father and can't forgive him for the way he treated her as a child. Is there any point in continuing the relationship if she refuses to address the impact of her relationship with her father on us?

--FRUSTRATED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

No. (And did you really need to write to someone for that advice??)

DEAR MARGO: My husband thinks I have a problem. I’m slow to reveal myself. Once there’s a relationship, however, and the person, to my mind, has betrayed me, I shut the door forever. This is where my husband says I have a problem: He thinks I’m too hard on people and should forgive and forget. I don’t feel that the matters that trigger my shutdowns are trivial.

For example, I have shut my brothers out of my life. One has been in prison for 20 years, and when I tried to reach out while our mother was dying, he became manipulative and tried to paint my husband as a bad person. It was the continuation of a pattern, and I walked away, telling him my choice would always be my husband. The other treated our mother like dirt while she was living with him and his family, and at Mom’s memorial service, he referred to the gathering as my "pity party" because I took Mom into my home and cared for her through her illness and death. I wrote him off.

A friendship with a girlfriend of 20 years ended when I saw text messages of a sexual nature to my husband. She had been on a quest the past couple of years to go through her high school yearbook, look up every boy she ever thought was cute and seduce him. I felt she was getting bored with the high school memories and wanted to make some new ones, so I deep-sixed that friendship. Hubby thought that was harsh. Is he right? Do I have a problem?

— SPORTS MOM

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yeah—him. So far, all the cases you mentioned sound totally justified in my opinion. These people took advantage of your trust and/or vulnerability for their own gain—and while that might land them in the championship seat on “The Apprentice,” it’s not my definition of friendship.

I’m seriously curious as to why your husband thinks it’s “harsh” of you to end your friendship with the Text Slut. I wonder if he’d be so “progressively thinking” if some other man was sending photos of his pecker to your cell phone. I somehow doubt it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been in a relationship with an absolutely fantastic guy for about six months. I regularly spend the weekend with him in his above-garage apartment.

The problem is that his place is not clean. It’s not completely disgusting but is in need of some window spray, dusting, mopping and organizing. It takes all of my self-restraint not to just start wiping up the dust and attacking the soap scum on the sink.

I have sneaked some cleaning. I once spilled on the counter and took the opportunity to clean the whole thing.

The times when I sneak in the cleaning, he always comments about how nice it is to actually see the counter or be able to eat at his dinner table.

I am wondering if there is a way to suggest we work together to really clean the house once and get it organized so that the up-keep isn’t too much for him. He has lived alone before, so maybe he is used to this, but he also previously lived with a girlfriend. Maybe she did all of the cleaning?

How can I offer to help without hurting his feelings or “butting in?”

--MARRIED TO THE MOP

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

If his ex did do all the cleaning, she probably got tired of it, which accounts for the “ex” part.

In any event, my advice is not to head down this slippery slope. As a bachelor and semi-slob, I can tell you that disorder will struggle to reassert itself after even the most thorough of tidyings—don’t ask me how I know this. While it’s OK to clean up your own spills, and even take the opportunity to clean a surrounding surface if it’s not too much work, you shouldn’t make it your job to clean up after this guy. He obviously knows that he’s not the neatest person in the world, but if he wants to re-order his home, he needs to deliberately come up with his own system—one that makes sense to him. Otherwise, he will just go back to putting things wherever he can find a place for them because he doesn’t know any better. (Again, don’t ask me how I know this.)

Aaron's Rotten Advice: October 22, 2010 ("The Weather Finally Matches My Disposition") Edition

2010-10-22T17:46:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: I've known "Jared" for two years. We dated for about a year and then broke up because he wanted to date someone else.
We decided to remain friends. In fact, we are now roommates. He has since broken up with his girlfriend, but he is now in a long-distance relationship with an ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not healthy to be jealous, but I am. It kills me just to hear him say her name. I can tell that he is really into her, but I don't care. I still have strong feelings for him.

I keep telling myself that I should have been an actress because I'm doing such a great job of hiding my feelings and acting like I just want to be friends.
I go out, hoping to meet someone else, but I haven't met anyone yet.

If I tell him how I feel, I'm afraid it will ruin our friendship or things will be weird between us. I definitely don't want that to happen. On the other hand, I feel as if I'm just letting him go without a fight.

Should I tell him how I feel and hope for the best, or should I just leave well enough alone and keep quiet?

-- CONFUSED IN LOVE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Good questions. Now I have a question for you: how many fingers am I holding up? (Here’s a hint: it’s one, but I won’t tell you which.)

You may be a great actress, but you'll never be a scientist. Your question proposes two possible courses of action, but I’d like to add a third: move out. And on your way out, be sure to stop at a shrink and have your head examined—I don’t know what made you stay friends with an ex-boyfriend (who essentially dumped you), not to mention move in with him. And in the meantime, he’s been through another ex. Obviously, this guy gets around faster than smallpox.

While you’re looking for a new place, be sure to wash your laundry separately.

DEAR ABBY: I recently gave birth to a beautiful, perfect baby girl, "Cassie." I also just returned to work. I would love to stay home, but I cannot afford to financially. I am lucky that my best friend, "Mary Ellen," doesn't have to work and has offered to care for my little 8-week-old bundle of joy.

My problem is, every day when I go to pick up Cassie, I must wait for Mary Ellen to say goodbye to her. She has started instructing me about how Cassie likes to sleep, be burped and held. While I appreciate her watching and caring for my little one, I am Cassie's mom and I know what she likes. The time I have with my daughter is precious. I just want to pick her up and go home.

How do I tell my friend it upsets me that she feels she should tell me about how to care for my own baby? I feel guilty and sad that I must work, and her comments make it worse. I know she's only trying to help. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but what can I do?

-- WORKING MOMMY IN BALTIMORE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Wait, you’re getting free babysitting?! Shut the hell up and be grateful.

If it bothers you to hear her list of instructions, just pretend to listen with a smile on your sour puss, then ignore it and do whatever you usually do when you get home. (Minus the animal sacrifices and naked dancing in the meadow.)

DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of three years had trust issues from the start. He's been cheated on in previous relationships. I initially didn't tell him about my guy friends - just friends - as I was scared. (I should've told him regardless of what he thought).

He found out about my friends and I cut them off completely a year ago. Because of that we broke up for a while. I begged him to come back! I love him so much.

Now he thinks I'm talking to guys again. Even before, he'd go through my phone, check my phone bills for anything and he still does. It kills me, but I allow it to happen.

He looks through my private messages with my girlfriends. What can I do? I feel so low as a woman when he does these things. Will he ever trust me again?

--HANGING ON

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Who the hell cares?? What, exactly, are you “hanging on” for—a schmuck who tries to control every aspect of your life and goes through your mail?

Frankly, there’s something seriously wrong with a guy who limits your contact with your friends—it’s one of the hallmarks of an abuser. You were better off when you were broken up.

No doubt he’ll get pissed off about something else very soon and move out again. When he does, change the locks and leave his stuff on the lawn outside.

DEAR MARGO: My experience has been that friendships are transitory and people don’t put in the work to maintain them. For this reason, my husband and I are pretty much loners. We have many acquaintances but few friends.

This year, while traveling abroad, we met a couple (30 years younger). My husband struck up a strong friendship with the woman, and her husband and I got along nicely. I was delighted my husband had made a friend. The age difference didn’t seem to matter, and we are all financially comfortable. We traveled together for about two weeks. Later, they came to visit us. We took them on a road trip through national parks. It was a great vacation, and they sent us generous thank-you gifts. Then they went on to set up a new home in Canada. We’ve both e-mailed the wife a couple of times since then, which was about a month ago. We are renting a two-bedroom condo in Canada next month, so yesterday my husband e-mailed to ask if they’d care to join us. Neither of them is looking for work yet, as they await the birth of their first baby, so we thought they’d have the time. Yesterday we got an e-mail back from her saying they could not make it, they are busy, and then the letter ended: "So please don’t expect me to keep in touch on a regular basis. That just won’t happen. Enjoy your boredom."

Enjoy your boredom? What does that mean? That we have no real life because we are retired? She is Canadian, he is German, and we are American. Perhaps this is some kind of foreign expression? We were really hurt by this curt dismissal. I fail to see why our efforts to keep in touch provoked this reaction.

— FEELING DISMISSED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Isn't it strange that you and your husband don't want to be friends with people your own age, because they won't take the trouble, yet you jump at the chance to be friends with people half your age? Hmmm...

Now to your question. I’ve never heard of rudeness being part of the normal Canadian lexicon unless the person communicating is, well, rude. Germans are a different matter, but in my experience, usually that’s just dirty talk, and then it’s only during “special occasions.”

No this is altogether another animal. As to her meaning, I think it’s pretty obvious—she doesn’t want you to write or email anymore. There could be lots of reasons: maybe she and her husband felt a bit smothered by your attention; maybe it’s the hormones from her pregnancy; or maybe she’s just a bitch. Either way, you can safely back away now.

Look on the bright side: this proves your theory that people are basically unfriendly. Isn’t it nice to have your suspicions vindicated?

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

How do you feel about a bride who has a bridal shower and a reception but a week later is not married? She and her groom have said vows and exchanged rings several times in different locations but have failed to get a license. They just haven't had time for that [expletive]. Her own words.
She uses the term married, and many people at the reception believed them to be married. She keeps saying that they will go and get married in the courthouse, but I'm beginning to doubt that.

I feel as though I have been taken advantage of for gifts. If she had just had a commitment ceremony and called it what it seems to be, I could respect that and not feel like the whole thing is a joke. I feel embarrassed for her. Am I just becoming an old prickly lady?

--NOT JUST A GIFT HORSE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Why are you embarrassed? She’s clearly not. She sounds pretty brazen, in fact.

I always think that kind of chutzpah deserves a response in kind—you know, just to show you appreciate and respect it. So when she has a housewarming party (and you know she will), wrap up an empty box and give it to her. When she opens it, explain you didn’t get a gift because you were too busy and didn’t have time for that shit (I know the word, and am not afraid to use it).

Aaron's Rotten Advice: October 15, 2010 ("It's an Allergen Wonderland") Edition

2010-10-15T16:32:00.003-04:00

DEAR AMY: I have a touchy situation regarding my neighbor and his house.
My neighbor works in another state and is not able to return home on a regular basis. He is in his early 60s. He has a very close friend who is around the same age. They have been friends since high school. The friend has a key to the house so that he can check on it occasionally.

Over an extended period of time, I have seen this friend bring a woman (not his wife) to the house. It is obvious that he is bringing her there for sexual reasons.

I don't know whether I should inform my neighbor of this activity. I am disgusted by the behavior on so many levels, but I'm also concerned that my neighbor probably has no idea what is going on in his house while he is away.

I guess the main reason that I'm so torn is the fact that they have been such close friends for so long.

Should I talk to my neighbor or keep my mouth shut and turn the other way?

— NOT NOSY NEIGHBOR

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Wrong—you are totally nosy, and it’s obvious you have no life. If you had, you would have been too busy living it to notice who was going into your neighbor’s house over this “extended period of time.”

And just what makes it so “obvious” that they’re going there for sex? Can you actually SEE their silhouettes moving up and down behind the window shade? Maybe she’s there to help him shampoo the rugs. Maybe she’s a botanist, and she’s there to check the plants while he dusts. Maybe she’s an expert on woodworm, and she comes along to make periodic inspections of the joists. In short, maybe it’s really none of your business.

But since you asked, I’d advise you to keep your trap shut. Unless you see the house on fire, stay out of it. Frankly, you won’t be endearing yourself to your absentee friend if you tell him that somebody he trusts is coming into his house with a tootsie to roll—especially if you have no proof. If it turns out you’re wrong, you’ll look like not only a nosy parker, but a jackass too.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 23-year-old woman who has been helping to raise my three adorable godchildren over the last few years. Their mother is also 23. She became pregnant with her oldest when she was 15. She's a young single mother, unprepared for the full responsibility, so I have stepped in.

When they were babies, we would take turns rocking them all night. I take them to the doctor's when they are sick -- with or without their mom. I helped select which schools they attend. Through the years I have been there every day, waking them in the morning, taking them to school, putting them to bed, etc.

I am now being married and have slightly reduced my day-to-day role, although I am still in many ways the "other parent." I get criticized for this all the time. I am constantly being told, "They are not your children. You shouldn't be doing this." Even my future in-laws have said it.

I don't know how to respond. I love the children very much, as if they were my own. I can't let them suffer for their mother's numerous mistakes. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me.

-- GODMOTHER OF THREE IN NEW ENGLAND

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I hate to say it, but your in-laws are kind of right, actually (probably for the last time ever)—you shouldn’t be this heavily involved in these kids’ care. Although you may love them as your own, they aren’t your own, as your friend will certainly waste no time telling you should a dispute ever arise over how they’re raised.

According to your letter (and by my math, admittedly not my best subject), she now has three children in eight years. I’m not quite sure how she can still be “unprepared”—where the hell does she think they come from??

If she’s still such a train-wreck after all this time, I don’t think a godparent is the answer—it might be time for social services or her extended family to get involved.

DEAR ELLIE: I love my wife of ten years and our children and never want to leave them. A year ago, a new female co-worker and I became immediate friends. She's in a four-year unmarried relationship. We shared common interests and both had lost a parent to the same illness. We were always together at lunches and breaks and I drove her home. We became emotionally involved. I didn't notice this till several co-workers thought we were having a sexual affair. It hit me that I needed to pull back.

We never slept together, nothing physical ever happened. I told her we needed to back away, as we were in danger of crossing a line I didn't want to cross.
She's now angry, acting like a woman scorned and making my life difficult. She's telling everyone that I'm a terrible person and she's thinking about telling my wife. I'm heartsick because I don't want to hurt my wife, and most women I know feel that emotional cheating is worse than physical.

Should I 'fess up to my wife or just hope that this co-worker doesn't carry off her threat?

--TORN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Well, more fool you for letting this go on as long as it did before you wised up and realized what was starting to happen. But at least you stopped before it DID escalate.

On the way home to tell your wife the whole story, stop in and have a little chat with your HR director. They might have something to say to this woman about creating a “hostile work environment.”

DEAR MARGO: My fiancée and I are having a problem with her father. We are a lesbian couple and we’re included in family functions, which we attend regularly. We recently became engaged but still haven’t told her dad, a recent convert to Catholicism. We know that although he includes us as a couple and says he loves my fiancée no matter what, he also told her in the past that he would only pay for her wedding if she married a man.

Needless to say, we were expecting to pay for our own wedding and were gearing up to tell them about our engagement when we found out, via Facebook, that he is adamantly against gay marriage. (My girlfriend posted something on her wall saying how happy she was that Proposition 8 was ruled unconstitutional. Her dad, knowing she is gay, responded with, "Booo! It ain’t over yet!" on her page.) He then followed up with an e-mail stating she can cheer all she wants but she should know he is spending a lot of his savings fighting gay marriage, and he feels the "homosexual agenda" is at war with the Catholic Church. To top it off, she’s also adopted. Her adoptive mother — who was supportive of gay marriage — passed away six years ago and he only converted to Catholicism for his second wife.

My fiancée’s younger sister, the biological child, is straight, and had a dream wedding, which he paid for. He obviously favors the biological daughter, and there’s a huge difference in how he treats my fiancée, to the point of providing her sister a beach house, keeping her horses and doing nothing for my fiancée except continuing to include her in family functions.

Today was her 30th birthday dinner, at which her dad gave her a year’s worth of Bible Study classes at a Catholic church as a birthday present! Despite everything, my fiancée still wants an actual wedding and wants her dad to walk her down the aisle.

— SAD FOR MY FIANCÉE IN CALIFORNIA

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You need to throw a bucket of cold water on your sweetheart and wake her up, because her dream ain’t gonna come true.

Furthermore, you’re wrong about her father—he doesn’t "love her no matter what." He wants to turn her into something she’s not. There’s simply no other way to explain his birthday gift to her—who would try to foist “self-hate lessons” on their own kid??

As a baptized Catholic, I could say plenty of things about the gays’ "war” on the church (starting with the fact that it’s been the other way around in my experience—and don’t get me started on the priest sex abuse scandals, which most devout churchgoers never want to talk about—funny how that is), but I will simply settle for saying this: pay for your own wedding. Invite him if you want to, but don’t expect him to walk down the aisle with her. (If it were me, I'd sprinkle thumbtacks on the aisle, and tell him there's a time-share at the end of it, just to see how fast he runs.)

And make yourselves scarce at the family functions. There’s no need for you to attend as second-class citizens while he heaps praise on his biological baby doll. Finally, your fiancé needs to send her father a nice long note expressing her feelings, then stop contact, including Facebook. If he really does “love her no matter what,” maybe he’ll realize what his words and deeds are costing him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and I try to follow the rules of etiquette (though I have often found them lacking in certain situations, such as when a boy decides that they want to carry you like a sack of potatoes to your next class), but I have noticed in the past that my teachers who are there to teach us do not follow the same rules.

Perhaps it is just me, but I find comments (by teachers) to the effect of “Didn’t you just go?” to be unconscionable when asking discreetly to use the restroom.
Not only do I find the behavior of a teacher commenting on students’ bodily functions insulting, but in doing so the teacher brings the class’ attention to a question that I am trying to ask discreetly. And for the record, if I had just gone I would not be asking.

--EVERYBODY OUGHTN’T TO KNOW

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Maybe you wouldn’t, but plenty of other kids would. And they wouldn’t be using the restroom, they’d be goofing off somewhere. That’s why the teachers ask these things. I’m not going to ask who tries to carry you like a sack of potatoes, or how, exactly, you breach etiquette when this happens. Leave me my illusions.

It seems, however, that the teachers should remember who “just went” if they’re paying attention, and I agree that they’re drawing attention to something that’s not for public consumption. So the next time they ask, “Didn’t you just go?” just say, “No, but I’d be happy to do it in front of you right now if you won’t let me go to the restroom.”

Isn't It Grand (Dragon)?

2010-10-13T11:29:00.004-04:00

Thank heavens we have aristocratic Senate candidate Mark Kirk (R) to monitor "vulnerable" electoral precincts (also known as "neighborhoods he won't give a shit about after the election") to make sure the commoners are just eating their own cake and not stealing it away from the starving Winnetkans.

Click here to listen to the dulcet tones of the North Shore Nanny as he describes his "voter integrity" squads. Too bad we can't arm them with toothbrushes--we could send them out to fight the Cavity Creeps once the election is over.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: October 8, 2010 Edition

2010-10-08T17:11:00.003-04:00

Yes, I'm back from one of my sporadic, life-dictated absences...of course, I always hate to miss a few weeks, but I had lots of stuff I had to do during September, not the least (or most fun) of which was cleaning out the storage shed with my mom's remaining effects. But I rescued some really cool rugs, some Nancy Sinatra CDs, some great DVDs, my grandparents' old liquor cabinet, and an old Morris chair (which I still have to make room for).

But all that's beside the point--feast your eyes on this week's crop of hapless advice-seekers. They didn't know they were asking me, but I could tell they needed it...

DEAR AMY: Over the course of three months, my wife of 16 years called a male "friend" more than 2,500 times and sent him more than 6,000 text messages.

The calls were made at all times of the day (with three calls being between 2 and 4 a.m. one night when she was spending the night with a girlfriend).
The texts occurred all through the day and night.

When I confronted her she became very defensive and claimed this was just a really good friend she had known for a long time. She says that there is nothing wrong with what she's doing.

My wife now has a device with Internet access that allows her to text without any record of whom she is texting. Am I stupid, ignorant or wrong to have suspicions — or correct in thinking this is an affair?

— WORRIED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

A combination of the above. If you really think she spent the night with a “girlfriend,” I’d have to go with numbers one and two. Although why she would spend all night texting him during The Deed, I don’t know—perhaps he’s hearing-impaired.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine, "Barbie," volunteered to be the maid of honor in my wedding. She didn't attend any of the dress fittings because she doesn't have a car. She volunteered to throw a bridal shower despite having no money, and asked my fiance to contribute. After he told Barbie he was "tapped out" (because of the wedding bills), she suggested he return some of the gifts he had bought me!

Two days before the shower, I learned she had selected a dress more suited to a stripper pole than a church wedding ceremony. At that point, my fiance decided to remove her from the bridal party.

Barbie feels slighted and doesn't understand why we made the day about "us" and not her. She's genuinely hurt that we didn't "consider her financial position." (We didn't ask for her help in the first place.)

Would you please lend your vast wisdom and insight to this matter?

-- DENIAL IS NOT A RIVER IN EGYPT

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Gee, clever signature, Trixie. Love the fake name you gave your friend, too. Please don’t ever get a job writing greeting cards.

OK, on to your question. Yes, the fault is partly “Barbie’s” (Jesus, is that really the best you could come up with??)—she should not have volunteered to take this project on if she was financially unprepared to do so. And for her to suggest to your fiancé that he return some of your gifts was just off-the-charts stupid and thoughtless. But what did you expect? Hello—the bitch doesn’t have a car! What did you think she was going to do, ride a bike and drag your wedding cake behind her in a Radio Flyer wagon??

In any event, it’s over and done now, so just let it go. Or you could do what most upwardly-mobile young people do when somebody upsets their standards of material impropriety: complain about it to anybody who will listen until you find a sympathetic pair of ears.

Good luck with that.

DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of 18 months and I are late-40s. I'm divorced, with joint custody of my sons. My boyfriend's been divorced for ten years with sole custody of daughters, ages late-teens to 21. His ex-wife abandoned them (an affair, plus problems with drugs and alcohol).

His daughters constantly call when we're out on a date. They fight to sit beside him. One often sits on his lap.

His ex-wife attends family functions, birthdays, holidays, Christmas, with them. Last Christmas I insisted he come to my house. But his phone didn't stop ringing.

During a family vacation together, one daughter locked herself in our room and wouldn't let us in all day. Sometimes I think his devotion is unhealthy.

I've voiced concerns (one daughter comes into his bed when she has a bad dream) but he becomes defensive.

Will things change when they get older or is he using the women in his life to block a deeper relationship?

--FRUSTRATED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Have you ever seen “Chinatown?” Rent it. Watch it. I don’t think age is the issue here. How much older do you expect them to get before they stop sleeping with him and sitting in his lap?!

You’ve already talked with him about this, and if he refuses to do anything about it, I think it’s time you walked away and left him to his daughters and their Electra complex.

DEAR MARGO: Like many others, the recession has taken a toll on our family. My husband has been a functioning alcoholic for years, and despite my objections, he leapt at the opportunity for early retirement two years ago and now spends his days watching television, drinking and criticizing everything I do. Once he retired, he decided I would continue working and we would live off my income for the next 10 years to avoid tapping into the retirement fund.

Well, I lost my job a year ago and have not been able to find a new one. At the urging of former colleagues, I started a new business. It is finally starting to generate some revenue, but we are still dependent upon my husband’s retirement income. Consequently, he participates in every business decision and points out how everything I touch will fail. Please be aware that I have advanced degrees and have held positions as COO and CFO.

I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I want nothing more than to leave him and live alone. I should have done this years ago, but instead relied on a heavy work schedule and limited vacations to minimize our time together. Now I feel like a prisoner. The one family member who has seen his dark side tells me I should suck it up because it’s hard to live alone at my age (I am in my early 50s). I just can’t bear any more criticism and "humor" at my expense.

During a call with a potential client, I asked what more I could do to get his business. My husband piped up and said, "You could lose 50 pounds and have sex with the board of directors." Yes, the client heard. I was beyond mortified. How can I live in this environment until I can become self-supporting again?

— NO SENSE OF HUMOR

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your husband is a soaking schmuck, and you need to walk. Wait until you get your business up and running if you want to be self-sufficient. Otherwise, I do believe he’s legally required to hand over half his retirement to you in the divorce settlement.

Yes, that’s right, divorce—tell him to go and hang by his peter. Before you go, make sure he’s well-supplied with beer—drop a case right in his lap. Hard.

Early 50s is not that old where I’m from, and while it’s never easy to make that kind of adjustment, I think in your case it’s going to feel like a long, wonderful vacation after what you’ve lived with. Think how giddy you’ll feel once you wake up every day and realize that it’s permanent—no more ass-hubby! Furthermore, I think your expenses will be a lot smaller once you cut that dead weight loose. And let’s see how long he can stretch his half of the retirement fund on Old Style and TV dinners.

I doubt he’ll have an easy time finding another partner. Most women aren’t eager to hook up with a lazy, smart-ass, beer-drinking slob—he might have to trawl the parking lot of the “Jerry Springer Show.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

My husband's oldest friend (a female) told us last week that she planned to come to visit us. On many previous occasions, I have invited her and her husband to stay with us overnight.

However, since their last visit, she committed (in my opinion) a grievous social faux pas by telling a woman of our mutual acquaintance that my husband appeared to be planning to get a divorce. This led to the woman's inviting my husband to her home for dinner and other socializing, unfortunately more than once.
Do you think I should be chastised for not inviting her to stay at my home on this latest trip?

--I’M NO HOWARD JOHNSON

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

On the contrary: I would chastise you if you did offer this harpie room and board. Tell her to go hang upside down somewhere else.

Chillin' with Bandit the Doggie

2010-10-06T10:56:00.005-04:00

A short video of me and my aunt and uncle's dog Bandit, from my visit home a few weeks ago. He doesn't "chill" as much as other dogs...

Aaron's Rotten Advice--Sept. 3, 2010 ("Shorter Entry Means a Longer Weekend!") Edition

2010-09-03T13:54:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: My 24-year-old son, the product of a broken marriage, used to only contact me when he needed money. He hasn't appreciated the sacrifices I've made to keep child support current and the fact that I set up a college fund for him at a young age because, he has he told me, "it's what you're supposed to do."

He squandered his first two years at college, resulting in only one year of college credit, quit college and got a job to pay off his credit card debt.

Last year, he decided to go back to school and has since used up his college fund, lying to me about how the funds were used.

I told him that when the money's gone, that's it — no more.

He never acknowledges Father's Day or my birthday but is quick to remind me of his birthday and Christmas.

Last Christmas, he wanted me to buy him a laptop. He said I could afford it easier than his mother because she has BMW payments to make.

I, weary of this lack of respect, have stopped calling him and he, me.

Now he is calling my brother and mother, wanting a family reunion, which would be an uncomfortable situation for me.

Should I be busy that day or should I go and make the best of it?

— DISRESPECTED DAD

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Well, strictly speaking, you haven’t been invited yet—only your brother and mother have. So you don’t have to make up your mind at all. I suspect that he’s only calling for this “reunion” to put the touch on them for some dough, since he’s already struck out with you.

I like how you refer to him as “the product of a broken marriage,” as if he were some kind of accident. Like, “Sorry, this is what happens when I eat too many burritos.” If this established the tone of your relationship back then, it’s not surprising that you don’t have a better one now.

Next time, skip the burritos.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my second husband, "Greg," for 3 1/2 years. Before we married, Greg took me out on dates, we had wonderful conversations and a satisfying sex life.

Now I spend every weekend cleaning, and when I clean the upstairs, Greg goes downstairs. If I clean downstairs, he goes upstairs. He says he loves me, but it seems we have become more like roommates than husband and wife.

Greg buys big-ticket items (big-screen TV and a computer, for example) without telling me. In fact, he never discusses anything with me. Do you think he married me only to cook and clean for him?

Before you suggest counseling, let me point out one more thing: Greg is a psychologist.

-- SEARCHING FOR NORMAL IN PENNSYLVANIA

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I wasn’t going to suggest counseling. I was going to suggest steel-toed boots and a kick up his ass. But thanks for the extra info—his psychologist’s training will come in handy when he tries to figure out why you kicked his ass.

If you do decide to get counseling, do NOT go to anybody he refers—it’s probably one of his drinking buddies or something. The “professions” stick together with shocking consistency (there is, after all, no honor among thieves).

In answer to your question as to whether he only married you for your domestic skills, I’d say, “Duh, gee, ya think?”

As to the TV and computer, wait until he goes to his Bob-Newhart-shrink’s office one day and sell that shit out from under him while he’s gone. Use the proceeds to hire a good divorce attorney.

And next time, just live in sin. A ring on a finger is a yoke around the neck (at least in this case).

DEAR MARGO: I am devastated. My girlfriend of five years, basically my wife, told me a few days ago that she wants a break. (I am also female.) She has been talking to a girl, "Laura," who found her on a social networking site — someone she’d met briefly when they were 14. She apparently always wondered what happened to Laura, and I had no problem with them catching up.

They’ve been texting (nothing more) for the past couple of months, and I had no reason to be jealous until she said she didn’t want to be dishonest and admitted she was thinking of cheating. She is intrigued by Laura and says she "has to scratch the itch." Laura would not agree to meet my girlfriend while she is still committed to me, hence the "break." But now Laura won’t see her at all because we are still living together. (We have no means of living separately.)

Laura says she is "in love with her and wants to be together forever." My girlfriend sees the game Laura is playing, but still can’t give it up. She says she wants to be with me forever, that there’s nothing wrong with our relationship, but she would "really like to mess around with Laura." What should I think of all this?

--LITTLE MISS LEFT WAITING IN N.Y.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You should think about telling wifey-kins that you’ll be changing the locks if she starts playing Rug Doctor with “Laura.” Otherwise, that “itch” that she’s desperate to scratch could end up on you.

If she claims to know what this questionable woman is up to, and still “can’t give it up,” then she doesn’t sound too bright. At the very least, I’d send her to an occupational therapist.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My identical twin sister and I try very hard to pursue our own individuality, including dressing differently and having different hairstyles/colors.

However, it is hard for us to overcome our basic genetic makeup, and invariably, when we are out in public, someone will ask, "Are you two twins?" Usually this is a waitperson or salesperson, but sometimes we are actually stopped by complete strangers as we are walking through a restaurant.

We usually respond with a curt "Yes" and go on with our business, to avoid the inevitable follow-up questions. ("Who's older?" "Did you trick your boyfriends?" "Can your mother tell you apart?") We find this curiosity irrelevant, intrusive and somewhat embarrassing, as though we were a freak of nature.

It has also become quite tedious, as it happens several times during each of our outings.

I realize this ranks low on the spectrum of rude behavior, and I am resigned to having to tolerate it. It is a small price to pay for the wonderful and close relationship I share with my twin. I am only hoping Miss Manners would educate the general public in the common courtesy of not prying into the lives of complete strangers.

Failing that, perhaps you would share a snappy comeback to this tiresome query.

--TWICE THE FUN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

If people ask the question as a way to make conversation in the course of their job, like the wait staff and salespeople you mentioned, they’re obviously trying their best, and are entitled to the courtesy of a polite reply.

As far as the complete strangers who stop you with the more rude and intrusive questions, all bets are off. Tell them, “I’m only one person. You must be having a stroke and seeing double. Good luck with that.”

Aaron's Rotten Advice: August 27, 2010 ("Shorter Day, Shorter Entry!") Edition

2010-08-27T11:22:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have a teenage daughter. When we go on vacation, we always allow our daughter to bring a friend. The last two years we have taken beach vacations and stayed in a condominium.

When inviting our guest, we ask nothing from them other than that they bring enough money to cover one meal a day and pay for their own towel-rental fee. We cover everything else.

These last two vacations have been exhausting for me. Both times my daughter's guest did very little, if anything, to help out. The guests left their dishes lying around, wet towels on the floor and basically acted as if I was their maid. I kept saying, "This is my vacation too," but this fell on deaf ears.

Both of these girls are from financially comfortable families. My spouse and I work multiple jobs to allow our child all the extras, vacations included. What disappoints me is that neither of these girls formally thanked us. I didn't expect a gift, but feel that a handwritten thank-you card was in order.

Am I wrong?

— MIFFED MOM

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

For expecting a thank-you note from a couple of spoiled, rich bitches? No, not wrong. Just naïve. Their parents are probably too busy lying around the country club pool or jetting off to Europe to get their eyebrows threaded to teach them how to be productive members of society. I feel sorry for their future husbands.

On second thought, no I don’t. If they’re that stupid, they get what they deserve.

Next year, tell your daughter to make new friends.

BONUS AMY:

DEAR AMY: Responding to the topic of people's attachments to stuffed animals, when I was 5 years old, I saw Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop and fell in love with them.
About 20 years ago, my wife bought me a Lamb Chop puppet. Lamb Chop travels with me, and has been known to talk to people. You love what you love.

You never outgrow your need for Lamb Chop.

— CHUCK

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You must clear out a room mighty fast. Well, it’s one way of getting your own seat on the train, anyway.

DEAR MARGO: I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as "monster-in-law," tries to control everything. My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do. For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then. She is constantly trying to control everything, including the job my fiance has!

This is not OK with me. We have our own life with our own home, and I would like to live it that way. I’ve tried talking to her about invading our privacy, but forget that. She even resorted to calling our daughter a "mistake," saying she was born out of sin because we were not married. We were both hurt by this. My guy has tried to talk to her, but then she won’t talk to us for weeks. She brags about her other grandchildren but not our daughter because she is ashamed that we weren’t married. I want our daughter to know her grandparents, but she doesn’t need to feel less loved.

Suggestions?

— NOT GETTING THROUGH

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I think your fiancé needs to step in and tell Piper Laurie to step off. Stop being polite, just tell her that she’s overstepping her boundaries and you’ve had it. I wouldn’t worry about her “not talking to you for weeks.” Just enjoy the silence. And change the locks.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, my daughter Lauren was best friends with another little girl, Heather, and my wife and I enjoyed her parents as well, so we all socialized often.

As the girls hit middle and high school, Lauren joined the cheerleader squad and began to spend most of her time with that crowd of kids. Heather was not part of that group, and the two girls grew apart, and as that happened, we also spent very little time with her parents.

At graduation we discovered that Heather had garnered almost every award the school had to offer and also received a scholarship to a very prestigious university to study something like bioengineering. Lauren was an average student, and she will be attending a local community college next year to prepare for a future four-year school.

Some weeks after graduation, we received a card from Heather’s parents. It said: “Congratulations to Lauren on her high school graduation, and to you as her parents. It seems just a minute ago that the girls were flying up from Brownie scouts and now here they are ready to really spread their wings and fly.”

I thought the card was fine, but my wife insists that this is a real insult to how we did our job as parents. She has been furious about it and has been on the phone with friends and family planning how she should respond. She’s also angry at me because I don’t agree with her; she says if I was a woman I’d see this for what it was. So I thought I’d ask you if this was bad or good manners.

-MARRIED TO WITCHIE-POO

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your wife thinks the note is rude, because she’s a bitch and she’s projecting. Yep, that’s right – a bee-yotch. As your daughter “grew out” of her relationship with Heather, whose idea was it for you to “grow out” of your relationship with her parents? It was your wife’s, wasn’t it? Thought so.

The note her parents sent was clearly a kind attempt to reach out and fondly remember old times. The fact that your wife is reading more into it suggests that she’s somehow insecure over your daughter’s academic performance. Tough titty. Perhaps if she’d encouraged her to read and study instead of going shopping with the other cheerleaders and sticking her finger down her throat, she wouldn’t have anything to be insecure about. (Er, not that you do anyway—not at all. Of course not. *clearing throat and looking around uncomfortably*)

But your wife needs to stop blabbering about this to all her friends and plotting revenge before she makes an even bigger ass of herself.

The fact that she is mad at you suggests that she’s also unstable. But at least she recognizes that you’re not a woman, so you can assume she’s not blind as well.

Aaron's Rotten Advice - August 20, 2010 Edition

2010-08-20T16:22:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: I am getting married next year. I am agnostic, and my fiance is a Christian, but he's going through some issues with his faith. Neither of us wants a religious ceremony.

His dad and stepmom are extremely religious, and I respect their faith. I bow my head at prayer, and I am very open to what they have to say about their beliefs. I am also very honest with them about how I feel about religion, and they have been respectful of me as well.

Unfortunately, they are not as understanding toward my fiance. They sometimes say things to him that make him very uncomfortable.

They have been asking us who will be officiating at the wedding. His stepmom told me this is the only fear they have about the wedding.

My fiance and I want a very casual wedding, and we have asked one of our friends to get ordained (online) so he can perform the ceremony. He has agreed.

This friend has many visible tattoos and will most likely be wearing a kilt to the ceremony. We think my fiance's parents will be extremely upset, and we don't know how to tell them the news.

We want to give his dad the opportunity to say something at the wedding or give a speech at the reception.

Any advice on how to handle this delicate situation?

— RESPECTFUL BRIDE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I take it his father and step~~ford~~mother aren’t paying anything towards this wedding? Because if not, they really have no say in how it’s conducted. In this day and age, they should be grateful you’re getting married at all, and not just shacking up.

If you think your soon-to-be minister friend will come as a shock to your in-laws, you can break the news to them beforehand and tell them that if they choose, they can bring along their family clergyman to stand beside them and translate the service from Pearl Jam-ese to regulation Connecticut English.

Tell your mother-in-law that she’d better not kneel too low in front of the minister, however, if she doesn’t want an education.

DEAR ABBY: My father is having an affair -- another one. It is not the first time I have found evidence of it.

I was using his computer to work on my grandmother's memorial and an IM popped up from a woman telling him to meet her at a family event my mother was not supposed to attend. Her message to Dad was extremely sexual and very upsetting.

The "other woman" is an old high school friend of my parents' and a friend of the family. I have confronted my father in the past and even threatened to end my relationship with him if it didn't stop.

My heart breaks for Mama, but she loves Dad so much she will stand by him through anything.

This has affected my relationship with my boyfriend because I have extreme trust issues. I find myself hating my father more and more each day. Please help me before I lose my sanity.

-- DAUGHTER OF A CHEATER

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You’ve already confronted your father about this once, and if that wasn’t enough to keep his pickle in its jar, then I doubt you can do much more. I have a feeling Mama knows more than you think she does—you can’t live with a person for that long and not smell the stench of geriatric floozy all over him when he comes back from “business trips.”

Chances are, she’s decided to look the other way and be grateful there’s another receptacle for his unwanted desires. I hope she at least gets some real jewelry out of it.

DEAR ELLIE: My husband just told me that he sometimes pretends to be mad at me, to get me to do things around the house. He tells me everyday that I'm messy and I don't do enough.

But we have a two-year-old and I'm not very good at picking up after us right away. I try but it doesn't always happen.

It's not like I don't clean, in fact I clean all the time. He does more because he doesn't look after our son as much. If he took more time with him then I'd do more around the house. Is this marriage worth saving? I'm thinking of moving out.

-CLEAN ENOUGH

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Cut the histrionics. Tell him this is the reality of full-time parenting: sometimes “not filthy” is as clean as it gets. Say that it’s clean enough for you – if he wants it absolutely spotless, he can lick the floor or hire a maid.

As far as his “pretending to mad,” tell him that since you’ve been faking your orgasms since your wedding night, you’re even now.

DEAR MARGO: I am a 26-year-old man with problems in social situations due to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is manageable except for really bad days, and I am discussing my issues with a psychiatrist.

The condition was always present, but until I graduated college two years ago and started working, it was kept under control by contact with close friends. Now I live in a different state, and all my friends are far away, so I end up spending most of my free time alone. Meeting people is not easy. Dating has always been an issue, too. I’ve been celibate for five years. This past weekend, I visited my family, and the OCD was acting up.

I need people to be careful of how they speak to me: Be attentive. Don’t baby me. Be assertive when you have to be, but it’s OK if you disagree with me; just respect my experience. One problem is that I’m compelled to balance my lack of control over my environment with an internal resolution: I just walk away and sit by myself. This is more acceptable than bouts of anger.

Recently, I met a woman I am interested in, and I plan to ask her out. But again, as with my family, I know that there are rules she needs to follow in order to get along with me. It is a struggle changing my behavior for the comfort of others, and doing so adds to my anxiety.

I accept people for who they are, but the question on my mind is: Can they accept me? How do I let my family and any potential girlfriend know to take it easy on me without making them feel like they’re walking on eggshells?

—GOOD GUY

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Maybe by taking it easy yourself?

You say you "accept people for who they are," but your list of instructions for dealing with you sounds like a list of no-nos at the zoo: “Be attentive, don’t baby me, don’t feed me, don’t look me in the eye, and no flash photography!”

The world isn’t going to either baby you OR coddle you, so you needn’t worry about that. But neither is it going to step out of its way to make you comfortable – I hate to break it to you, but it’s got other things to worry about besides your ego.

I’m glad you’re seeing a shrink about this, but before you begin a relationship with this lady, it would behoove you to tell her about your OCD up front, and say that it can be a pain in the ass at times, but that you’re getting help. If she’s as nice a girl as you say she is, I’m sure she’ll understand (and if she’s dated any other men, the “pain in the ass” thing won’t be anything new to her). Good luck.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town with acrimonious politics and try to stay out of things, for the most part succeeding.

When I go to vote, however, and am waiting in line, a local woman working as an election judge, with whom I am slightly acquainted, begins skillfully peppering me with personal questions.

Would you suggest a statement that I may use to politely stand my ground and decline the questioning?

--SWEATING BALLOTS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Have you tried “None of your damned business”? Usually works for me.

Bonus Friday

2010-08-20T10:41:00.003-04:00

Today, you're getting a bonus post. Well, not much of a bonus, since I only post once a week these days, but when I do, it's gold, damn it. GOLD, I tell you! So it is kind of a bonus. So there.

Anyway, my office building is exactly diagonal from the spot where they're now filming "Transformers 3." Our office is on the 43rd floor (with windows that don't open) and we can still hear the explosions all day long. It sounds like thunder where we are. I happened to drive my car downtown yesterday (got a REAL sweet deal for $8 a day parking, and figured I'd better use it periodically so they don't cancel my card!) and it turned out that my parking deck is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from the set they've built.

So before I drove home last night, I took a little video of the set from the 5th floor of the parking deck where my car was. Nothing much was going on, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up. I marvelled at the mundanity that surrounded this apocalyptic set. Life truly does go on--even when cars are lying on their sides.

(NOTE: "Rotten Advice" will appear in its usual time slot this afternoon.)

Aaron's Rotten Advice-Friday the 13th ("My Hockey Mask is at the Cleaner's") Edition

2010-08-13T16:32:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: I am a single parent of three children: one teenage boy and two adolescent girls.

My girlfriend of one year is also a single parent. When I was at her house, her 11-year-old son used the toilet without closing the door. I asked him politely if he could do me a favor when my daughters were there and just close the door.

He answered, "No. I have never closed the door, and I will not start now."
He refuses to use his seat belt in the car and refuses to do chores around the house. Both he and his older brother are very disrespectful to their mother and other authority figures.

She submits to their demands, saying she doesn't want to listen to them complain. She asks me why they don't respect her, but disregards any of my solutions.

I feel very uncomfortable trying to correct what I think is unacceptable behavior of someone else's children, and I don't want my children exposed to this.

How should I handle this?

The simple answer is to break up with the woman — or I could limit my children's contact with her children, but she wants us to vacation together with all the children along, and we are very much in love.

— GOOD PARENTING SKILLS 101?

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You’d better be REAL in love with this woman if you’re gonna let her kid stink up your house for the rest of his childhood. In fact, I don’t think that’ll be enough. So you’d better tell Nature Boy to go pitch a tent in the back yard, and he can crap outside to his heart’s content. He can also hunt for bugs and berries to eat, since you won't be buying his groceries anymore. Let's see what a "rebel" he is after a week in the sticker bushes.

And if you’re really “very much in love” with this ditz, the biggest favor you can do her is to make her kids follow your rules when they’re in your house. It may seem heavy-handed, but an ounce of discipline now is better than a pound of police record later.

DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old daughter, “Meg,” has severe eczema. She’s highly allergic to a long list of things, including dogs.

Recently, at a basketball court and at an outdoor restaurant, we encountered some dog owners who refused to pull their dogs back after I informed them about her allergy. Both said, “It’s a public place!” as if my daughter should not be in public. One man even argued that my child “couldn’t possibly” be allergic to his poodle.

Other than avoiding public areas that are dog friendly, and pulling my daughter away, what can I do?

-- MOM KNOWS BEST, IRVINE, CALIF.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I would have reminded those two needle-dicks that it is, indeed, a public place, and as such, the public (as in the human beings) have as much right to it as the animals. Maybe more, since they’re paying the taxes for its upkeep. I doubt Fido can write a check. I love dogs, and well-behaved ones are a joy to be around, but if one of those slobbering gremlins steals food from my plate at an outdoor restaurant, it will be the last thing he ever does.

Bring a vacuum cleaner with you the next time. I guarantee those dogs will give you a very wide berth.

DEAR ELLIE: My boyfriend of several years and I built a relationship of love, mutual respect and trust. I have a child with whom he's formed a strong bond, and we plan to all live together.

But I'm weary from how long everything's taking, and why. He's heavily reliant on his parents. He's been poor with money in the past (has debt), and still wastes money.

As an unsupported single parent, I must be extremely careful financially; I work very hard for very little. His work is sporadic; he can go for months unemployed...times when he's even less careful with money.

He's living with his parents. They continue to help him and then grumble to me! He's helpful in many ways, but I'm scared we'll always be struggling with money.

He says I'll always be a good influence on him, which suggests I'll be worrying about money while he's spending it. I want him to sort this out prior to moving together, so I can feel secure. Should I keep waiting?

--CONCERNED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Hell, no. This guy’s never going to grow up and be responsible, because he doesn’t have to—he has everything just the way he wants it now. That “good influence” bullshit sounds nice until he’s lying in bed at noon and you’re trying to change the sheets around him.

You already have one kid—you don’t need another one moving in with you.

DEAR MARGO: I need your opinion (or help). At the beginning of last summer’s vacation, I made a small mistake in telling my wife she looked a little on the fat side, a mistake I repeated throughout that summer. To make a long story short, my wife went on a diet when we returned home, and over the course of almost a year, she has lost a tremendous amount of weight. Now the problem is that she won’t quit.

Every time I tell her she should stop and maybe put a few pounds back on, she gets angry and says, "Why? So you can call me fat again?" I admit I tease her about some of the things she eats, but it’s not meant to be mean or anything. My wife isn’t anorexic, but the way she’s going, I’m afraid she may be headed in that direction. Please tell me what to do before the weight loss escalates and becomes a problem.

--WORRIED HUSBAND OF A TOO-THIN WIFE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Gladly: drop dead.

In case you haven’t noticed, it’s already a “problem.” And you didn’t help matters any with your diplomacy, Kissinger. Oh, and don’t think you’re bullshitting anyone with that “mistake” crap. Telling her she looked a little fat the first time was a “mistake” (and not a "small" one, as you keep deluding yourself—that was a big one—have you NEVER seen “Family Court?”); repeating it throughout the summer was deliberate and sadistic, and you’re now reaping what you've sown.

I feel sorry for your wife, and I’d love to see what you look like, Gomer. I hope she's just skinny enough to puncture your spleen with one of her bony hips some night.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems I am in a constant scandalized state when I am out in public. Women of all ages and sizes seem to proudly display their bra straps or go braless. On top of all that, there seems to be no shame in displaying fat rolls and G-strings. Why aren’t they wearing body-appropriate clothing and keeping the undergarments under something? Am I in the wrong or are these “ladies” missing the boat?

--MY ROCK GIVES GREAT SHADE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I agree that people have given up on body-appropriate attire and it’s not always pleasant to be confronted with someone’s fish-belly-white muffin top over the waistband of their jeans, but this has been going on for years now. If you’re still "scandalized" by it, you must have come freshly from the Victorian era, Ebenezer.

So I have another shock for you: they have motorized carriages now. No more horsies!

Aaron's Rotten Advice: August 6, 2010 ("My Blood Sugar is Low Today, So Watch It") Edition

2010-08-06T13:59:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: My daughter forces me to make an appointment to see my grandchild. Sometimes it is impossible because either she does not return the call or she says they are too busy. I babysat for three years, and now that they no longer need me I am kept at arm's length.

I have been screamed at, called names and had doors slammed in my face — all while I was doing the baby-sitting.
Now I am being pushed out of my grandchild's life because my daughter seems to have all this anger and hatred. Though her hatred is directed at me, it is really about her own unhappiness.

I was always her punching bag. I want to walk away because the hurt is destroying me, but I'm concerned about my granddaughter and her feelings.

We have been excluded from birthdays, recitals, school functions, etc. We are not allowed to take her anywhere and she is not allowed to stay at our house.
The truly sad part is that the in-laws are not treated this way. They are included in everything and my granddaughter tells me about it. I'm looking for a support group because I wonder if there are other grandparents out there with the same problem.

— HURT AND SAD

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

There most certainly are. Ungrateful brats exist in plenty, and some of them never grow up.

But when you say you were “always” her punching bag, do you mean that she treated you like this when she was a kid? Because if so, you should have beat her ass the first time. I guarantee you there wouldn’t have been a second.

As far as the grandchild goes, it’s a shame that your Bad Seed keeps her away from you, but she’ll probably turn into a nasty little heifer like her mother. And I’ll bet as soon as the prized in-laws aren’t available to babysit, your daughter will come sniveling around, asking for your help.

And that, darling, is when you tell her to shit in one hand and want in the other.

DEAR ABBY: When I went to visit my mother, I found her lying on the kitchen floor. She said the floor soothes her back.
My mother has two expensive beds in her home; there is no reason for her to lie on the floor.

It could be embarrassing if a neighbor should pop in and find her there.
How do I get her off the floor?

-NOT BEDRIDDEN IN FLORIDA

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

What’s it to you?? It’s her house and if she wants to lie on the floor, it’s her own damned business.

Besides, I’m sure you spent plenty of time on that same floor when you used to stumble in drunk as a teenager. Shut up.

DEAR ELLIE: I'm a girl, 15, going through typical teenage problems. I've known this guy for two years, but we never talked much. Now we've become pretty good friends. A few months ago, I started wishing we were more than just friends.
I feel complete when I'm with him, and empty when I'm not. I haven't seen him since school ended, and I miss him so much, I can't stand it. Time seems to fly by so quickly when I'm with him and so slowly when I'm not.

I can't imagine life without him. I really want to take our relationship to the next level, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't feel the same way. My friend asked him and he said he didn't.

I haven't told him yet, but almost everyone knows, I think he might be starting to catch on, and I want to be the one to tell him. I'm not sure how. Should I do it in person, by phone, e-mail, or through Facebook?

I don't want to lose the relationship we do have, yet I don't want to keep this from him any longer. I've never had a boyfriend before, and I feel like he's the one, I don't want to be with anyone else, yet I don't think he wants to be with me. What should I do?

-CONFUSED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your question was answered in paragraph three. You know, the part where your “friend asked him and he said he didn’t.” Quit while you’re ahead--don’t be a glutton for punishment. I’ve been there and done that.

Keep your friendship the way it is and you’ll be a lot happier. Besides, in about 10 years, he’ll have a pot belly and live in a trailer. Think what a lucky escape you’ll have had then.

Feel better? I thought so. Now, run along and sell your Girl Scout cookies.

DEAR MARGO: I so love my fiance! He is amazing and tolerant of me (no easy task). He cleans my (our) cat’s litter box and the bunny cage and does the dishes. However, as we are to be married in fewer than three months, I am on my second round of cold feet. I want kids. Over the past five and a half years, I have managed to turn him from his idea of "oh, adoption would be good" (and I agree that adoption is the superior, selfless moral choice) to "a little being that is half-you and half-me would be cool."

My reason for writing is that he can be lazy at times. Like I said, he is really good at doing household chores that he deems important. (Did I mention he makes the bed every day? I’m so ungrateful!) But if it’s something I think is important, like dusting or wiping down the kitchen countertops, he leans toward the lazy side. And he plays video games. I wouldn’t take that away from him, but children take work, and I find myself overcome with fear about being a married single mother. Knowing that his own father wasn’t particularly hands-on, I worry about how much support I would get from him and how much labor-equity I will see in the realm of childrearing.

Since he is so amazing and I’m so happy and ridiculously lucky, should I simply forget about children and just live happily ever after as we are? How do I know now, before marriage and pregnancy, whether he will step up to the plate?

--WORRYING

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

What, exactly, in the hell is your problem?? Not only do you write like a spastic hipster, but living with you must be a grating pain in the ass.

Why can’t you compromise on the household chores? Let each of you do the tasks that you deem individually important—let him clean the catbox and the bunny cage, and make the beds; you can dust and wipe the countertops, then sit around and complain, and nag him while protesting that you aren’t. (Here’s a little tip: I think “happily ever after” is probably happier for you than it is for him.)

Or would you prefer to trade places and clean the catbox yourself? I thought not.

Get your tubes tied. Now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to stand in an elevator? It seems rude to put your back to people, but also rude to face people with your back to the wall as if you are staring at them. What is your opinion?

--WONDERING

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

The correct way to stand in an elevator is on your feet—it’s much too hard on the hands. And it doesn’t matter so much which way you face, as long as you don’t fart.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: July 30, 2010 Edition

2010-07-30T16:07:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: There is a family I am not particularly fond of. Even though I don't like them, my husband insists on putting their son on his baseball teams.
These people have disrespected me many times. My husband knows how I feel about them.

My son and their son are friends, but I've had enough. After this season, I'd like to sever all ties with these people. This might mean the boys can't be friends anymore. What do you think?

— ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I feel your pain, but I think unless their son has disrespected you as well, you should drop the ‘tude. Let’s face it, if your son’s only allowed to make friends with kids whose families you approve of, he’ll be reduced to having tea parties with stuffed animals. So lighten up.

And your husband’s the coach, not you, so butt out. It’s ridiculous to penalize this poor kid just because his family’s insufferable.

DEAR ABBY: My 89-year-old mother has always been difficult. She not only never loved me, she treated me as if she didn’t like me, either. She told me she didn’t send me a birthday card on my birthday last month because “What was it supposed to say — what a ‘wonderful’ person you are?” My children visibly winced when they heard her say it and worked extra-hard to make sure my day was special.

Abby, I have cancer. My prognosis is questionable. I was supposed to have been dead seven years ago — but I’m managing. My problem is, I recently was told that my mother has been keeping in touch with a single friend of mine from years ago, and they are making plans for her to marry my husband when I die! A few other so-called “friends” are in on this.

This last betrayal is incredibly hurtful. Where do I go from here?

-J.C. IN CALIFORNIA

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Straight to the phone. You call this nasty bitch of a mother, tell her the jig is up on this marriage thing and say, “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’ll snuff it long before I do.” Then call this “friend” and tell her not to bother with a bridal registry.

DEAR ELLIE: I was in a three-year same-sex, long distance relationship with a man, from Europe - monogamous for me, not him.

I soon learned he was a drinker, substance abuser, sexually promiscuous. I broke off but remained friends. I also offered him support in seeking addiction treatment, which he rejected.

Fifteen years later, he occasionally visits, staying with me and my (same-sex) husband of 13 years. Recently, he bragged about a liaison with a flight attendant on his trip overseas; he spoke of his drug paraphernalia; he takes sleeping pills plus a double cocktail to sleep. He drinks at meals into the night. I believe he contracted hepatitis and doubt he informs his casual sex partners.

I cautioned him on the consequences of his being an alcoholic, abusing prescription drugs, his addiction to street drugs, his sexual addiction, of being inconsiderate of others' well being and playing his partner for the fool.

I drove him to the airport, told him I loved him as a friend and that my offer of help stood. He's since called and left a message asking to be in touch soon.

I'm wondering if I've said and done what's best.

-SELF-DESTRUCTIVE FRIEND

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Well, you’re a hell of a lot nicer than I am, that’s for sure. I don’t know how you can remain friends after finding all this out. I still can’t speak my ex’s name, or run into him on the street, without getting hives. His entering my home is out of the question—I don’t want my cat exposed to him, and I don’t feel like fumigating that often. And he was Cliff Richard compared to this guy.

To answer your question, you’ve certainly done all you can. You’re probably a little closer to your ex than I would deem wise, but if your husband doesn’t object, and you don’t mind offering the help, it’s probably OK. You’re a good friend—better than he deserves, probably. (The only cold comfort is that you probably won’t have to offer your support for very long—this person is undoubtedly destined for a short life with his alcohol and drug abuse, on top of his hepatitis.)

DEAR MARGO: I am a 20-something girl who was engaged to a guy a couple of years older. We had a good run, but things deteriorated, and he left me for a younger chick.

I went through a period of being mad at him, and then I got over it. I prefer to live with the good memories, and heck, we haven’t even talked in six months. We rarely cross paths anymore, and when we do it’s no big deal.

The problem is his girlfriend. She seemed nice at first, but over time, she seemed to develop a superiority complex: I lost him; she has him; ergo, she’s the victor. If she sees me do something she doesn’t agree with, she thinks nothing of trying to pick a fight. She says she’s just making "observations" and that I need to be mature and accept her criticism with grace. I don’t see how my life is any of her business.

In the end, I usually tell her exactly what she wants to hear (that she’s right or that I’m sorry) because we have mutual friends that I don’t want to lose because of her influence. Any suggestions for a better way to handle this?

—UTTERLY FRUSTRATED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

OK, help me out here: If you rarely cross paths with him, why do you so often cross paths with her? Do you regularly meet for coffee so she can tell you what color she painted the ceiling since you left??

Tell her to park her broomstick up her ass. When she says that you need to accept her observations and criticism with “grace,” tell her that she needs to learn what that word means before she can sling it around--she clearly hasn’t got a clue.

You’re right—your life IS none of her business, and you need to make that crystal clear to her. Don’t cave in and tell her she’s right just to keep peace—why the hell should you care about that?? As far as your mutual friends, I wouldn’t worry. Most of them would probably enjoy the spectacle of your taking her apart. And if any of them do take sides against you, they’re not really very good friends, are they?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just when I thought etiquette was at its lowest on the convenience scale, my husband and I received an e-mailed invitation to his cousin's wedding.

To top this off, we received it three months prior to the event and were requested to RSVP within days. The bride's family (immediate and extended) lives in Washington, D.C., and the wedding is in London. I am still flabbergasted. How do I RSVP? Do I RSVP?

Honestly, I don't feel compelled to attend an event that will take our children out of school, cost us more than $4,500 and inconvenience us greatly -- for a girl whom we adore but whose family could not inconvenience themselves to print and mail an invitation.

Said bride is now sending out mass e-mails saying that she is sorry that it seems that she didn't care if we (all) attend her wedding. She checks with her mother for the numbers of attendees and is disappointed that they are so low.
How do I respond to this? Do we send a gift? What would be appropriate? My husband thinks that the e-mailed invitation is great because it's "green," but I can't get over my own expectations.

-GREAT EXPECTATIONS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Well, get over ‘em, honey, because that ship has sailed—the era of rice paper invitations with self-addressed stamped envelopes is over.

To answer your question, do RSVP to your husband’s cousin with a nice e-mail (yes, bite the bullet and bow to modernity just for today) explaining that you’re sorry you won’t be able to attend, but that she’s in your heart and you wish her all the best (or some bullshit like that). Send her a nice gift and a card.

I’m sure you’re not the only ones who will be unable to attend—no doubt she accepted that eventuality when she decided to be married overseas.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: July 23, 2010 ("Because It's Been A Helluva Week and I'm Ready to Spray Some Bitchy") Edition

2010-07-23T16:26:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: I'm wondering how to handle a situation with my mother and stepfather. After a barrage of complaints by my mother about my father's infidelity during the marriage, my stepfather said, "The best thing that ever happened to your mother was when her first husband died."

My father died more than 55 years ago, leaving my mother and four young children in near poverty.

I thought this was thoughtless, and I let them know. My mother knows my siblings and I loved our father dearly. Hardly a day goes by without my still thinking of him.

I don't plan to ever see my mother and stepfather again. This is the straw that broke the camel's back!

They didn't apologize and seemed to feel we were parting with no hard feelings.

Would it be anticlimactic if I wrote and let them know why I won't see them again?

— CHARLENE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yes, in a way it would. You have to strike while the iron is hot.

For example, when he said your father’s death was the best thing that ever happened to your mother, you should have looked him stone-cold in the eye and said, “And your dying will be the next best thing.”

Although if she’s still bitching about your dad after 55 years, she’s probably a harpy of a wife and makes your stepfather’s life hell. Death might be the best thing to happen to him, too.

DEAR ABBY: When I was in college, I dated "Alex." Three months later, I found out he had a steady girlfriend, "Jane." During the next two years, Alex continued to cheat on Jane with me because Jane wouldn't have sex with him. I finally told her what had been going on, and I ended the relationship with Alex.

Ten years have passed, and I hear they are being married. Do you see anything wrong with that?

- DUMBFOUNDED IN MINNEAPOLIS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

So let’s get this straight: you discovered “Alex” had a girlfriend three months into your liaison dangereaux, but you continued bumping nasties with him for another two years??

Die, harlot!!

But seriously—if “Jane” is crazy enough to marry him after he’s dipped his wick in so many waxpots (and don’t kid yourself that you were the only one), then she’ll get what she deserves for her stupidity. Let’s just hope it isn’t something contagious or disfiguring.

DEAR ELLIE: My wife had a six-month affair; when I found out, it almost physically and mentally destroyed me. Three years out, we're reconciled. However, every one of her friends who were aware of her affair was somehow complicit in her activities, and has been cut from both our lives.

They were not friends of our marriage. I'll never again speak to anyone who knew me and acted normally with me, while fully knowing my wife was rutting with another man.

However, the one person to whom we'll both be eternally grateful is her one lifelong friend who forced her to confess, as soon as that friend learned of the affair: "Either you tell him, or I will - you've got 24 hours." We both cherish this person, the only one who helped save our marriage.

Don't underestimate the total devastation that an affair causes to most betrayed spouses. Many adulterous spouses - though not all - are horrified themselves by their behaviour once it's exposed and time has passed. Though my father had had an affair, I never really understood what my mother went through, until it happened to me.

I thought my experience was unique and horrible until I read the stories and advice of thousands of others having gone through the same trauma, through www.survivinginfidelity.com.

--ONE MAN'S DEVASTATION

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Oh, go screw yourself. Look, I’m sorry that you experienced the sting of infidelity, and I don’t take such things lightly, but quite honestly, from the rest of your letter, you sound like a self-righteous drama queen.

Frankly, it shouldn’t have been up to your friends to spill the beans on your wife. If they were friends of both of you, did you really expect them to choose one over the other? Get real. Besides, there are all kinds of clues to infidelity—you were probably just not smart enough to pick up on them. You said your father had an affair—did you learn nothing from his actions? It’s hardly your friends’ fault if you’re thick as a concrete dam.

In the end, you probably did them a favor by cutting them off. God knows what sort of high drama you and your wife trail around in public these days, with her perpetual shame and your perpetual martyrdom (you don’t sound like the type who’d keep your dirty laundry in a closed hamper). I’d be embarrassed to associate with it.

And seriously, "rutting?" Who says that anymore? This ain't "Masterpiece Theatre." Save your eloquence for the Infidelity Victims' Message Board. There must be a “stigmata” application somewhere on that site.

DEAR MARGO: I think my husband is addicted to porn. We recently visited Las Vegas and had a fairly good time, even though he lost all the cash we had at the slot machines. But that's a different letter. While there, we were going to see a show but couldn't agree on which one. I wanted to see one of the highly recommended shows like Cirque du Soleil, but he wanted to see one of the erotic nude shows.

I am not interested in seeing any type of show with naked people in it. I don't know why he thinks I would find that enjoyable, when I could be seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" or something good. He says next time we go to Vegas, we will each pick a show and then go see the other's show with them. Should I agree and then, when the show makes my stomach hurt, excuse myself to go to the restroom and not come back? I don't want to see other men naked. And all I think about is that our daughter is 19 and how would I feel if she were baring her body for hundreds of men?

-- AM I A PRUDE?

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You’re not a prude, just a dipshit. Not because you don’t want to see a nudie show—they certainly aren’t for everybody, and I don’t want to watch one either. But it’s not your 19-year-old daughter baring her body for all and sundry—you’ve probably got that poor girl in a chastity belt. And why assume your husband is “addicted to porn” because he wants to see a live erotic show with you?

Let me explain something to you: “porn” is something visually titillating (but usually with little other redeeming value) that guys tend to buy on the sly, either in “adult” bookstores or on the Internet with a credit card. Once they’ve bought it, they usually prefer to —er—“consume” it in private, not with their spouses. The fact that he wants to see this show with you does not indicate that he’s a porn “addict.” It’s more an indication that he wants to see something exotic and erotic in person that he can’t see with you in your hometown of Cornpad, Illinois.

And you sound like a sneaky little witch, too, with that restroom thing. If you don’t want to see the show with him, have enough spine to just tell him so, and leave it at that. If he wants to watch it anyway, you can go see Cirque de Soleil or “Mamma Mia,” or some other boring piece of crowd-pleasing shit, and he can go watch “Thanks for the Mammaries” or whatever it’s called. Whatever you do, I’m sure you’ll bore your friends to tears with the pictures and stories when you come home (they’ll probably prefer to listen to his).

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

I'm afraid I often encourage nimrods who are ranting (parroting) hate radio. I'm one of the few people in existence who actually listens when others talk. And when listening, one occasionally grunts "Uh huh" to show we're still there.

Unfortunately, "Uh huh" can convey both "I hear you" and "I agree." I certainly don't agree, but I wonder if there's some other noise one can make that simply registers, "I heard." Perhaps you can suggest some noise. One that's even shaded toward, "For the love of God, have you listened to yourself?" "You're spouting blither, you fool!" would be even better.

Occasionally, I get irked that I'm used as a sounding board, since what's transpiring is in no way a "conversation," but that's another topic. Who said, "A bore deprives you of solitude while denying you company"?

--MAROONED WITH THE ULTRA-MAROONS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I don’t know, but I suspect they were talking about you. (If you want to know why people don’t listen, just record yourself sometime and play it back.)

You’re way overthinking this. If you really want to appear polite to boorish people (and I can’t imagine why you would), then just a single-syllable grunt will suffice: “Mm.”

From the sound of these folks, I don’t imagine they can comprehend words more than one syllable anyway.

Aaron's Rotten Advice-It's Baaaaaaaack....July 16, 2010 Edition

2010-07-16T17:20:00.001-04:00

DEAR AMY: It has been seven years since my husband had an affair with another woman.

Although I wanted a divorce for the first couple of years, financial circumstances and family members discouraged me, so I stayed.

The disappointment, anger and sadness have subsided through the years, but somehow the contentment I once had never returned, even though my husband is nicer now. I'm no longer depressed, but fun things such as going out and traveling just don't excite me that much anymore.

Before the affair, I was a happy person and enjoyed life in general. Now I am much more cynical about men and even women. I used to trust people and give them the benefit of the doubt. I realize that just because my husband broke my trust, not everyone is dishonest. But I am still very guarded and reluctant to trust people.

I've forgiven my husband, but I no longer feel the same way about him. I don't love him, but I don't mind living with him because I don't like to live alone. My husband never wanted a divorce, and he's surprised that I still haven't gotten "over" it.

How can I get back that joy I once had? Or is there no hope?

— JOYLESS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Sure there is. All you need is a heavy frying pan.

Of course you don’t enjoy traveling. Try it without him and see if that makes a difference.

When you say your husband is “nicer” now, does that mean he keeps his trouser snake in its terrarium? Or is Nag still roaming the jungle in search of every Nagaina who spreads her hood for him?

It’s not surprising that you can’t trust people now—frankly, it’s surprising that he’s surprised. If the only reason for keeping him around is that you don’t like living alone, throw his ass out, go the animal shelter and pick up a cocker spaniel. They’re cheaper to maintain, easier to bathe, and fleas are the worst you can catch from them.

DEAR ABBY: I left my wife for a much younger woman two years ago. Despite what my ex-wife says, it was not a mid-life crisis. I was very unhappy with my wife and our marriage. Our divorce has been final for seven months -- although I'm beginning to wonder if it will ever truly be "final."

My girlfriend, "Nicole," is anxious for us to be married and start building a life together. I'm still overwhelmed from how unbelievably painful the whole divorce process has been, and I can't begin to think about getting married again at the moment.

I have told Nicole that I'm not ready and I need some time. She says I'm "stringing her along," and even though she doesn't want to have kids, she still feels her clock is ticking for finding an acceptable mate. It has reached the point where Nicole says she is going to leave me if I don't commit to marrying her.

What is a reasonable time to expect someone to recover and be emotionally ready to remarry after an extremely bitter divorce? And what do you suggest?

-- STILL HEALING IN WASHINGTON

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

That you go suck an egg. You left your own yard for what you thought was a greener pasture, and seem to have stepped in a big mound of shit—and now you know the secret to good gardening.

What did you think was going to happen when you shacked up with Little Miss Thang? That she’d be content to follow you around forever like a Grateful Dead groupie, with no promise of a ring (except for the one around your bathtub)? In your ‘shroom dreams, Jerry.

As for your question on timing, I’d say one year from the date of the divorce is long enough for your partner to wait. If that’s too soon for you, then maybe you shouldn’t be involved in a relationship and you should set her free to rewind her ticking clock.

DEAR ELLIE: My wife and I are retired, in our early 60s, and we have one son, married, and two adorable grandchildren. Our latest family rift occurred when our son and his wife purchased a home and asked us to co-sign their mortgage. We refused, and this resulted in them not speaking with us and not allowing us to see our grandkids.

Three months ago we communicated with our daughter-in-law to discuss what financial assistance we could provide. She said our refusal to co-sign meant they were out of pocket by some $22,000. When we explained we'd have to borrow or cash in retirement savings in order to help, she became hostile and confrontational.

My son refused to attend this get-together; he said he was waiting to see what we offered. His wife later wrote us, venting that all of their problems for the past 12 years are the result of our not supporting them financially, and that they'll now have to sell their house. They had financial problems maintaining payments on their former home, and we allowed them to live with us for more than a year, expense-free. We also gave them $10,000, and their grandfather, without telling us, gave them $14,000.

Ellie, the hurt of being continually blamed for their financial problems has gone too far. Do you have any suggestions?

--EMOTIONALLY SPENT

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yeah, move and change your phone number. You’ve spent way too much money and time on these leeches already.

If these two were old enough to get married, boink and make babies, then they should have been adult enough to plan within their financial means. If they didn’t, it’s their own fault, not yours or the grandfather’s. There’s no such thing as “out of pocket” for a person who takes out a mortgage loan. It always comes “out” of their “pocket,” because it’s their loan. You’ve already been more than generous letting them live with you and giving them as much as you have. For them to expect more is outrageous.

It’s a shame they’re keeping the grandkids away from you, but after all, if they’re raising them, chances are those kids are going to turn into insufferable little monsters before long. Consider yourselves lucky.

DEAR MARGO: I was invited to a Facebook Event a month and a half in advance — 60 guests, a bonfire on a farm, bring your own lawn chair and beverage and a dish to share for a potluck supper. I declined and posted a polite message. A week later, my schedule changed and I wanted to change my RSVP to yes, but the event administrator (a friend?) removed me from the guest list. He now refuses to allow me to attend, stating: "Once you say no, you cannot change your mind." His rule of etiquette. I would be grateful for any advice and your "etiquette opinion," please.

— LADY IN ROCHESTER, MINN.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

He’s an asshole and his parties probably suck, so you’re not missing anything.
The only fun part would probably be meeting him in person and finding out that he’s 20 years older and eight inches shorter than his photo indicates.

The Joans in the Trib

2010-04-02T13:54:00.004-04:00

Well, the first two paragraphs of the article anyway. This story is about The Flesh Hungry Dog Show, the monthly queer/alternative rock show which was founded in 2005 by Gary Airedale, and was originally a showcase for his band Flesh Hungry Dog (which, at the time, included me!). (Incidentally, Gary, in answer to Marc the Podcaster's question about who played at the first show, part of the answer is 8-Inch Betsy. I don't remember the second one, though...)

The Joans have played FHD several times and tonight is it's Fifth Anniversary. Go to www.fleshhungrydog.com to purchase tickets online and get $3 off (before 5 PM)! Show starts at 9:00 at Jackhammer (6406 N. Clark Street, Chicago). See ya there!

(Oh, and I promise I'll have advice back next week...I haven't been able to work up enough slobber and bile to put together a good one this week, what with the show coming up and all...but I'm sure I'll be my old misanthropic self by next Friday.)

Have a good weekend and Happy Easter!

No Advice This Week, Cause I Haven't Had a Chance to Come Up With Any Venom, So Here are Some Random Thoughts...

2010-03-26T11:10:00.005-04:00

Dear Tracy Morgan: Was watching the second season of "30 Rock" this weekend and listening to your audio commentary. Were you CHEWING? Really? Seriously?! You couldn't save your snack for the half hour (less, actually, since commercials are edited out) that it takes to talk about the episode? Truly? No fooling, now?

Wow. That's just so annoying. Nothing in the world bugs the fuck out of me more than someone who takes their conversational duty so casually that they don't care what they sound like. Especially when it's THEIR initiative to do the talking. That's like calling someone you don't know and having food in your mouth. It's overly familiar and disrespectful. And since you agreed to do this commentary, you essentially initiated the conversation so to speak, so the onus is on you to have an empty mouth.

Swallow. Now. (This can't be the first time you've heard that.)

**********************

Many, many power plays going on in my world this week. I sure hope certain people take a shot of "humility juice" soon, or I'm going to have to give it to them intravenously. In a painful place.

**********************

My bandmate Taylor Joans just got a new kitty named Putzi (it's German for "cute little one"). She lives up to her name. Regard:

Is adorable, no? She's about four months old. He just got her Monday. I must have spent the first half hour of rehearsal last night petting her and telling her what a pretty girl she is. (Of course, we usually do this to Jennifer Joans at each rehearsal, too, so it wasn't a sea change in routine.)

That's all for now...have a great weekend, everyone!

Aaron's Rotten Advice: March 12, 2009 Edition

2010-03-12T14:51:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: I'm at an age where I'm eligible for Social Security and draw a pension.

I enjoy good health and still have the energy level of men much younger than me. I'm scared to death of going into my twilight years with nothing to look forward to other than carrying my wife's purse around cute little boutiques, playing cards and dealing with boring people.

I know this sounds selfish and I have a little guilt about it, but if I don't follow this dream, I'll never know what adventures might await me.

I intend to explore the possibilities of living on my own in South America, where my dollar will afford me a certain amount of freedom and luxury. Am I crazy? I know there are a lot of unanswered questions, but I have a dream and I want to see it through.

— OLD TIMER IN THE NORTHWEST

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE

You’ve been watching “Romancing the Stone” again, haven’t you?

You’re damn right there are unanswered questions, and you’d better start asking them and finding out the answers “muy pronto.” (That’s Spanish for “fast.”)

Here are a few to start with:

What do you know about living in South America? What makes you think you can adjust to the environmental and cultural differences? Are you prepared for the critters down there? They have spiders in South America that can eat birds—did you realize that?? And let’s not even get started on the snakes.

And when you say “on your own,” do you mean literally leaving your wife behind and moving away by yourself? She might be glad for the peace and quiet, but isn’t that kind of rude?

And just what country were you planning on living in, anyway? Many South American countries are overrun with dangerous drug cartels, and you could get duped into being their drug mule and then get arrested and end up being Paco’s bitch in the laundry room. You’d beg to carry your wife’s purse around then, wouldn’t you?

BONUS AMY:

DEAR AMY: Last week I was a guest at a party. I was seated next to a friend of my mother's, and I could not get up to move unless I made five or six people get up, so I was stuck. This woman proceeded to tell me a story and used two very offensive racial slurs.

I was so stunned that she would think it was OK to say these things to me, but I wasn't sure how to tactfully respond, so I ignored her the rest of the night. I was angry with myself for not speaking up, but I didn't want to spoil the party and make people uncomfortable.

The icing on the cake was at the end of the dinner when she made a racist announcement directed at the rest of the group. Is there a way I could have tactfully put her in her place?

— WONDERING

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Yes. Knock her chair backwards. Then tell her the wind did it. She's obviously too stupid to know otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where folks sometimes bring in birthday cakes, desserts and other goodies to share. “Dolores” is always the first in line, and helps herself to a large portion of the treats and says she’s taking some home for her family.

Last week, someone brought in an exotic dessert and I got out the dessert-sized paper plates. Dolores took out two regular-sized paper plates and cut off a quarter of the entire dessert! No one could believe it, but we didn’t know what to say or do. One time, she actually cut a huge portion of someone’s birthday cake to take home before the “birthday boy” even got a slice. This woman is not poor. What do you recommend?

--“DESSERTED” IN TENNESSEE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I recommend telling this greedy bitch to keep her mitts off the goodies from now on. Lots of people would love to “take some cake home to their families” (or eat it in the car, as she probably really does, hence the quotes), but grown-ups don’t behave that way.

Since she’s already lowered the bar, however, try this: before she gets to the front of the line, each person should lick their finger and touch a different part of the cake to claim it as their own while she watches. See if she wants any then.

DEAR ELLIE: We met and married very young making strong, mutual agreements - no kids, much travel, pay our house off quickly, etc.

Twelve years later, I’ve recently moved out because I think things will never change. I’m no longer attracted to him and have lost respect for him. I feel I was too young to make those commitments.

I have a hard time telling him my issues, for fear of hurting him. We’ve basically stopped talking for the past year. Even if he changes his mind about kids I don’t want to be with him.

We’ve grown apart. However, I’ve agreed to see a counsellor together, as a way to close things. I’m excited for my own future, but he views counselling as a chance to fix things.

I’m getting flack from friends because of my prior uncommunicativeness (my moving out was a shock). I’m pressured to go back and try. When I listen to others, I change my mind. How can I get everyone to accept that it’s over?

- CRAZY WITH INDECISION

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Well, you’ve already moved out without telling him why, so it’s stupid to worry about “hurting him,” since I think that horse has already left the barn.

You can hardly complain about things never changing, when you both agreed at the start that they never would. That’s as much your fault as his. And let me guess: the house is now paid off, so you want to sell it, get your share of the swag (assuming it’s increased in value and not depreciated like most real estate) and then fly off to bonk some other guy in your “exciting future.”

I think you can leave off the "indecision" part. You sound just plain "crazy."

Don’t put this guy through counseling if you’re not really going into it seriously. Tell him it’s not his fault: sometimes people grow apart, even when one of them (like you) doesn’t grow up.

DEAR MARGO: I am an adult woman with three older brothers with whom I do not speak. My oldest brother has always treated me like an idiot child with nothing to say. He stopped even acknowledging my birthday nine years ago. My youngest brother only contacts me when he wants me to do him big favors. The middle brother told me three years ago that I am "dead" to him. He eavesdropped on a conversation I had with his now-ex-wife, where he heard me say that if he did what she was alleging, she was right to feel the way she did.

My problem is this: Although my parents say they're staying out of it, they bring up the issue periodically, which shows me it hurts them that their children do not talk. My brothers also rarely, if ever, speak to each other. Our parents are in their 70s, and a recent health scare with Mom has me thinking that when my parents do eventually pass away, I will have no connection with family anymore. I am not sure whether there is anything I can do to end the animosity between siblings, since most contact with them has been met with disdain. Do you have any ideas, or should I just cut my losses?

— ONLY CHILD IN A FAMILY OF SIX

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

The second one, although I don’t know why you would consider those three oafs as “losses.” Frankly, they all sound like douchebags.

You need to gently explain to your parents that you are all grown-ups now (at least chronologically) and whatever problems you may have with each other, they’re not Mom or Dad’s fault. Tell your parents that you love them very much and always will, but can’t do anything else with regard to your brothers. You can’t have discussions with pigs: it wastes your time and annoys the pigs, as the saying goes.

As far as having no family connections someday, it sounds like that’s probably for the best where they’re concerned. Treasure the time you have with your parents now, and try not to stress too much about the day you eventually have to call The Douchebags when Mom or Dad passes away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response when people tell me to smile?

I am not at a photographer's studio or where photos are being taken. I'm just going about my business.

The other evening, I was waiting for my husband to bring the car around to the door to go home from a social function we had attended. An acquaintance was getting her coat at the coat check. We exchanged some pleasantries when out of the blue she told me to smile.

I told her that really annoys me when people say that to me. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, we bid each other goodnight.

This request to smile has happened to me more than once. I am a reserved person and not one who goes around grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sad or mad. I'm just me.

How should I handle this request? Am I obligated to give them a big toothy smile? Was I rude to my acquaintance? Do I owe her an apology? I am perplexed by this command.

--IT’S NOT A FROWN, AND I WON’T TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I get this one all the time, too. WTF? Why this sudden interest in other people’s expressions? Did the Department of Homeland Security establish a Bureau of Face Police, and forget to tell us?? And if so, why haven’t they arrested Priscilla Presley yet?

The next time someone tells you to smile, the correct response would be: “Why? I don’t have gas.”

Because The Suspense of Not Knowing Was Just KILLING Us All...

2010-03-08T22:46:00.003-05:00

(Photo courtesy of Reelloop.com)

Sean Hayes has stated in a recent interview that he's gay.

And you could have knocked the entire world over with a feather.

Aaron's Rotten Advice: March 5, 2010 Edition

2010-03-05T16:56:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: My husband is nearly 70. He is handsome and fit and can pass for 55. He has smoked most of his life.

I am a nonsmoker and so are nearly all of our friends. I get tired of friends lecturing me on my husband's smoking.

One of my friends, "Shirley," who should know better, will say things like, "Your house smells like cigarettes — how can you stand it?" when she comes to dinner. I'm often at her home. She has two dogs and her house smells like dogs.

The dogs jump on me, and when I am invited for dinner I have to compete with the dogs for the food on my plate.

I can't stand that smell, but I've never commented on it to her privately or in a group.

— SMOKED OUT

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

You can tell her that if the smell bothers her so much, she knows where the door is. She should be grateful for the smoke aroma, because it probably draws attention away from her B.O.

And if you dine at her house again, remind her that the table is for humans and "doggie bag" is just an expression.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old divorced man who has been dating a divorcee for five years. Last night I asked her to marry me, only to be told she was not ready and afraid of being hurt again.

Should I stay in this relationship, or stop seeing her and try to start another relationship? I’m afraid that staying in this one much longer will prevent me from finding someone else who would marry me.

-- REJECTED AND DEJECTED IN OHIO

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

After five years of dating, she doesn’t get to play the “Afraid of Being Hurt” card anymore. Surely she knows you by now. Don’t kid yourself. She just likes things the way they are—comfort, companionship and no commitment. Just like a man.

So treat her likewise—take her to the Justice of the Peace’s office and tell her it’s a football game. If he has hot dogs and beer, she might just fall for it.

DEAR ELLIE: What do you do with a guy who doesn’t grow up? We’ve been in a relationship for eight years and he seemed good-hearted, full of potential and sweet in the early years. We’re now both mid-30s.

We used to live together but he never had money for the bills and we were evicted. I was then too sick to work. He went back home.

He’s lived with his parents these past three years (a true Mama’s boy); he still can’t hold a job and keeps promising things will get better. Yet he asks for money from his parents for cigarettes, gas and phone cards.

My friends don’t like him and he’s severely damaged my relationships with my family and friends. He always wants to know where I am and hangs around my place on my dime.

I’ve now said that I’ll have my own personal days - my time and my business. I want to see if he’ll move on and if I can get rid of him. If I just try to leave completely, he won’t leave me alone. Is this the right approach?

- FED UP

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE

Well, is your approach working? It doesn’t sound like it. So I guess the answer is no.

Forget this “personal days” bullshit—that’s like calling “time out” on a three-year-old, and it’s about as effective. You need to flick him away like a booger.

Tell him you don’t want his hot mess hanging around your place, wasting your dimes. He can go spend a penny somewhere else.

DEAR MARGO: Here’s a new one for you — I’m assuming, as it’s a pretty ridiculous situation. Two years ago, my husband begged for a tarantula, and after too many cocktails, I bought him one for his birthday. I am scared to death of spiders and have had buyer’s remorse ever since. I have nightmares about it getting loose, and even had a panic attack when I saw it molting. My husband won’t get rid of the thing, and I’ve learned to ignore that corner of our living room as much as possible. However … we just found out we’re expecting our first child, but my husband says he still won’t get rid of the tarantula, saying it’s no more dangerous than our dogs.

Our tarantula has fangs and can bite, as well as being able to fling its hairs, causing respiratory irritation, none of which should be an issue if the tarantula is kept secure in its cage. But I worry about a toddler knocking over the cage or removing the lid and reaching in. I don’t intend to let it go or die or anything. I just want it to be adopted into another home. So should we get rid of it or keep it? If you side with me, how can I possibly get my husband on board?

— ARACHNOPHOBE IN CONNECTICUT

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Who are you married to, Pugsley Addams??

What kind of grown man begs and begs to keep a tarantula in the house? What purpose does it serve? Is it intended to frighten away intruders? Spark dinner party conversation? “Before we have our crab legs, let’s go visit the cousin of the deceased.”

To answer your question, once the kid comes, the spider has to go. I’m sure it’s safe enough in its terrarium, but those things live forever (like 30 years) and once the kid gets old enough to start “exploring,” yes, he will get curious about the glass box and what’s inside, and there’s every chance he will reach in. By all accounts, tarantulas are fairly docile and don’t mind being picked up gently. But as we know, kids are not always gentle and if the thing doesn’t scare the living shit out of him just to look at (as it would have done to me at that age), then he might be dumb enough to play rough with it. This could result in not only a bite from the spider (which is not usually dangerous to adults but could be more so to small children, and is said to be painful in any event) but also injury or death to the animal after the kid flings it to the floor. And tries to stomp on it.

Maybe you should tell Svengoolie it’s time to grow up. If he persists in his fascination with creepy invertebrates, he can start a Bill O’Reilly scrapbook.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an educator of middle and high school students for 20 years, I have had my share of interesting comments and have learned how to handle the majority of them politely and appropriately.
However, one that I still struggle with is when students ask questions about my personal appearance, such as if I color my hair, for example. Of course I believe it is none of their business but have learned that answering as such only escalates their interest.

I feel that although, in the big scheme of things, they could ask much worse questions, part of my job is also teaching them life skills, and I want to respond in such a way that they understand the inappropriateness of asking personal questions of those they do not have a personal relationship with. Do you have any suggestions?

--THAT’S MS. CLAIROL TO YOU!

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

I sure do. Next time they ask if you dye your hair, ask if they stuff their bras (or the front of their pants, as the case may be). I don’t think they’ll ask about your hair again.

No Country For Old Bastards

2010-03-03T14:11:00.005-05:00

Senator Jim Bunning (R-Kentucky), the lone screw-loose holdout who was holding up unemployment pay to millions of cash-strapped Americans, finally backed down yesterday once a compromise bill was submitted with three concessions to the old dinosaur.

Now, I'm all for being fiscally responsible, and it's true that government spending is getting out of hand, but he was really attacking the wrong people here. (Maybe that's what happens when you get to be 100 years old and your eyes don't work so good no more.)

And if anybody says, "You damn liberal, attacking someone on the right just because he doesn't fall in line with the tax-and-spend policies of ObamaCare," I'd like to respond that a.) I don't agree with all of Obama's policies, either, but we're in dire straits now and there are no perfect solutions. Meanwhile, it's unconscionable to let fellow citizens starve when they've lost jobs through no fault of their own, not to mention withholding medicine to elderly people; and, b.)where were you sons of bitches anyway when George W. Bush was raiding our Social Security coffers to pay for his neurotic daddy's-boy-grudge-war in Iraq? No right-wingers uttered so much as a peep over that one. So shut the fuck up now.

Further, I think Bunning showed a lot of gall objecting to tax-supported jobless benefits and Medicare when he and his colleagues profit so handsomely from that same enterprise. The average Congressperson earns $174,000 a year--FAR more than a family of five on one unemployment check can expect to see. Not to mention the kick-ass pension and benefits the old bloodsucker will be drawing even after he retires to his outhouse in Lexington.

So I wonder just how he'll receive the proposal by freshman Senator Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona suggesting a five percent pay cut for Congress. Well, she's a Democrat and it wasn't his idea. Wanna take bets on that one?

I suppose a person can't blame him for being cantankerous. It can't be easy watching oneself go from this:

To this:

(Okay, rant over now. I feel better!)

Aaron's Rotten Advice: February 27, 2010 Edition ("Yeah, It's Late--So Bite Me!")

2010-02-27T12:43:00.002-05:00

DEAR AMY: In an effort to build team spirit, our office had a group outing. My friend, an administrative assistant in the firm, had a meltdown, cried and panicked about the group activity we were going to do.

Seeming to come to her aid, an elderly male principal in the firm calmed her down and offered to go for a walk in lieu of the outing. He then proceeded to persuade her to be his guest and visit the local women's art museum.

Rather than view the paintings, he spent the entire time ogling my friend's behind. Every time she looked at him, his eyes were on her backside. She told me it was creepy and made her feel very uncomfortable.

When they rejoined the group, this man's face was so full of lust that he was dripping in it. As her friend, I've recommended she report this sexual harassment to the human resource office. But she's afraid this man, given his position in the firm, will retaliate. He is still ogling her behind whenever he thinks no one is looking.

Should I report what I know? How can I help my friend?

— WORRIED IN D.C.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

What kind of group outing in D.C. could inspire that kind of panic? Were you visiting Nancy Pelosi’s office to give her a group pedicure or something? In any case, if the firm’s principal is that elderly, he might be senile, and what you took for lust could well have been the effort of remembering where he left his nitroglycerine tablets that morning. He’ll eventually forget what he was looking at, anyway, although it may trigger an association that causes him to ask where he can get a ham sandwich for lunch.

In the meantime, tell your friend to put a sign on her backside that says “If you can read this, you’re standing too close.” If he actually puts his mitts on her rumble seat, she should clock him one square on the jaw. The others will think he just fell, and she should allow them to think so—if he’s seen as accident-prone, they’ll likely encourage an earlier retirement.

DEAR ABBY: I love my wife very much. I like giving her back rubs, massaging her feet, cuddling and kissing her. In return she does the same — to her dog, “Barkley.”

Barkley is the only one who benefits from her affections. The dog does nothing for me except allow me to pick up his droppings. What am I missing?

— DOGGONE PUZZLED IN CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Sounds to me like you’re missing a very important pair of something. I won’t tell you what, because I think you can guess (unless you’re missing a brain, too).

First off, you stop picking up the dog’s shit. That’s right—leave the minefield where it is. Once your wife steps barefoot in some of that, I guarantee you’ll have her attention, and you won’t be massaging those taters again for a while.

And no more backrubs, kissing or cuddling either. It’s clear she doesn’t appreciate it, and you should find someone who does. Let the dog lick her face and walk on her back.

P.S. Did she name the dog? I assume so--the name "Barkley" could only come from the brain of a simpleton. Love has clearly made you blind--scrape the scales from your eyes now.

DEAR ELLIE: My brother-in-law and his wife both began dating others post-divorce; their young sons had a hard time with it. A year ago, we were expecting our first child and my brother in-law began seriously dating a woman no one in the family liked.

He talked about moving away, getting married and having more children. Meanwhile, his children were acting out, expressing anger, etc.

I felt compelled to call his girlfriend: I left her a voice-mail message indicating that her relationship with my brother in-law was hurting the rest of the family, that his children hadn’t yet adjusted to the divorce and it would be best if she left the situation. My husband and in-laws also felt this way but no one else would speak up.

It probably wasn't my place to speak directly to this woman, but I was angry because her actions were hurting people that I care about and taking away from the joy of preparing for my first child.

They’re no longer together, however my limited relationship with my brother-in-law is now non-existent and my husband and he have limited contact. I’m upset that we can't move forward and that my brother-in-law’s made no effort to see his one and only nephew.

I’ve attempted to mend bridges. For my husband’s sake, I’d like to make this situation better but I’m sure that my brother in-law doesn’t see how his actions affected every member of the family.

- DISTANCED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Then he’s in good company: apparently, you don’t see how your actions have affected your family. You’re quite right—it was not your place to speak to your brother-in-law’s girlfriend. He and his ex-wife had both chosen to date others after their divorce—that was their business, and it was brazen and pushy of you to meddle in his life without even talking to him.

Kids are never thrilled when their parents divorce, much less start dating again, but they do get used to it, and most even learn to like their new stepparents. It’s a shame that your BIL’s first girlfriend out of the gate should have been unlikable, but given time, she might have come around to your family and vice versa. Or else the relationship might have dissolved itself eventually. As it is, unfortunately, she’ll always be remembered now as The Girlfriend You Drove Away, which can only elevate her to martyrdom in your BIL’s eyes. Maybe if you’d approached it differently, you or your husband could have had a gentle word with his brother about making sure potential new partners were nice to his kids. Now that you’ve pissed him off, that bridge is burnt.

Just drop it now and leave ill enough alone. There’s nothing worse than somebody who adds insult to injury by “trying to mend fences” only “for someone else’s sake.” It sends the message that he’s expected to meet you halfway when you’re only going there with half an ass. He’s angry with you and rightly so. Suck it up. Sanctimonious hosebeast.

DEAR MARGO: My relationship with my husband has changed over something stupid that never should have happened. We’ve been married for six years. He’s been friends with "Josh" for many years longer than he has known me. Josh is married to "Marcie." The men’s relationship revolves around exercise and fitness and watching boxing and martial arts matches, mostly without wives (fine with me). Josh and Marcie are both in the fitness business, and once, at our house, she asked me whether I exercised. I said I go to aerobics and dance classes. She invited me to work out at her studio. I thought she was making a gesture of friendship.

When I arrived at the studio, she did an evaluation and then proceeded to rip me apart. I am 5-foot-7 and weigh 156 pounds. I could lose a few pounds, but I’m naturally very curvy. She told me I have almost no muscle, and that if I don’t do something about it, I will end up a frail old woman who can’t get out of a chair. She recommended a chiropractor for my neck (I didn’t know I had a neck problem) and a doctor for hormone therapy for my obvious estrogen imbalance. She assessed me at a BMI of 38, which is dangerously obese. She criticized my aerobics and dance classes as being harmful and out of touch with the latest in exercise science. When I got home, I was in tears. My husband asked what she said, and I told him. He said, "Are you sure you’re not just shooting the messenger?"

I now see that he thinks so highly of Josh and Marcie’s professional opinion that this has changed how he sees me! He isn’t as affectionate and is now picking at what I eat. ("Are you sure you need a second helping of that salad?") He’s made remarks that suggest he assumed we’d grow old gracefully together but now believes he’s going to have an invalid on his hands, which is absurd. Out of desperation, I went to a weight-loss physician, who assessed me at a BMI of 25 and said I need to lose 20 pounds. When I told my husband that, he lightened up a little, but his changed opinion of me didn’t budge.

— BEYOND DISGUSTED

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your husband isn’t too bright, is he? While you’re shooting messengers, save a slug or two for him. Gym bunnies are the absolute worst, because they make their whole existence about idealizing their own bodies, and by extension, others’ too. They can’t accept that people’s shapes change as they get older. It will happen to him, too, someday, and deep down I suspect he knows it and it just kills him. Hee hee hee.

Listen to what your doctor says, and just keep doing what works for you. “Marcie” is clearly trying to appeal to your sense of fear so you’ll rely on her for your salvation. It was an easy mistake for the uninitiated, but now you know how the system operates: the friendly offer she made was the 21st Century version of what we call the “pigeon drop.” It’s done in the New Millennium way—people too cheap to print flyers or buy ads in the paper start canvassing casual social settings, where unsuspecting people relax enough for these hucksters to go to work on them. From now on, you’ll know better.

Tell your husband that if he isn’t careful, the only “invalid” in the marriage will be him. And if he has a problem with the way you look, you can take your sexy, curvaceous self somewhere else, and he can make up a third in Josh and Marcie’s bed. Then they can all bruise each other with their hipbones and roll around in celery to their heart’s content.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain the correct way to seat couples during dinner parties. I was recently at a family event where couples were asked to sit at separate tables. This announcement drew complaints and derision from some who were offended by being told what to do (and forced to deal with their in-laws without backup).

I think it is a wonderful idea and have since read that during formal state dinners at the White House, this tradition is maintained. Could you lend some guidance on how to entertain in the future with these same couples in mind?

--IT COMES TO PASS THAT I HAVE A BOARD UP MY ASS

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

A seating arrangement? At a family gathering? Where in Boston do you live?

I would never think of telling people at a casual family gathering (because that’s the only kind my family have—we gather to enjoy ourselves) where to sit, so if you think it’s such a wonderful idea, I guess you’re on your own for this one. Here’s an idea, though: start by using chairs.

There. I helped. Ta-dah.

Aaron's Rotten Advice - February 19, 2010 Edition

2010-02-19T11:47:00.003-05:00

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 30 years. I endured put-downs, slurs and nastiness from my husband's parents for the entirety, with no help from my husband.

A year ago, my mother-in-law passed away, and my father-in-law was placed in the dementia unit of a nursing home. My problem is that I am still furious at how they treated me, and terribly disappointed that the close relationship I always wanted with them never happened.

I tried and tried, but everything about me was dead wrong: my ethnicity (not Norwegian-American), my weight (not thin enough), my education (I have a doctorate, and my husband has a high school diploma, so they called me "Miss Know-It-All"), my child-bearing capacity ("only one? What's wrong with you?"), my hair color, my role as breadwinner ("never, never overshadow your husband"), my traveling for work and my willingness to express an opinion.

How can I let it all go, considering that my mother-in-law is dead and my father-in-law is completely impaired?

— WISHING

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Let’s just say that karma has a way of catching up with everyone, and your in-laws are finally getting theirs. Why you wanted to have a close relationship with those two pencil-trolls is beyond me, but you need to accept that it’s not going to happen now and probably never would have. And you should also suggest to your husband that he visit a surgeon for a spine implant (I’d suggest something more—umm—“southerly,” but I suspect that wouldn’t be well-received, and it occurred to me you might still have some use for that dishrag).

Think of it this way: now is a perfect time for revenge against your father-in-law (or “helping karma along,” as I prefer to call it). He won't remember anything you do, and even if he does, who’s going to believe him?

Sorry, normally I have a lot of compassion for the elderly, but when they've spent their whole lives being nasty, the least you can do is put an ugly bonnet on them and take a picture.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old registered nurse who has never been married. Recently I bought a home, and soon after, an old boyfriend, "Gary," started coming around. I was happy about it at first, but he's been staying here at my place for two months now and hasn't paid any rent.

Gary buys his own beer and has brought home a few grocery items from time to time, but nothing to speak of. He had the electricity turned off at his place so his expenses are minimal. He also brought along his cat, but never cleans out her litter box.

He does no housework and comes and goes as he pleases. I do not want him sharing my home without contributing anything. Is there a way to tell him without wrecking our relationship?

-- CANADIAN JOAN

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Let’s recap here: an ex-boyfriend moves into your house, doesn’t pay any rent, doesn’t do any housework, and doesn’t clean up after his own cat, and you let him? For two months? And you want to preserve the relationship?

What hospital do you work at? Remind me never to go there.

DEAR MARGO: I am a newlywed, married four months, and quite happy. We are both in our early 20s and plan to start a family in a couple of years. I’ve never met my husband’s father because he abandoned their family long ago. After rekindling their relationship a few years ago (before we met), he overdrew my husband’s bank account and took off again. He was not at our wedding, and I doubt he even knows we’re married. Neither of us has any interest in including his father in our lives. (My parents live in the same town that we do, and we all get along fine.)

Recently, I asked my husband what he would tell our future children when they start asking about their grandfather. He simply shrugged and said, "Just that he’s dead." I said I didn’t think that was a good idea because if his father ever shows up, it would make us look like the bad guys. What would you do in this situation?

— PERPLEXED NEW WIFE

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Me? I’d track the old son of a bitch down and kill him. At least then you won’t be a liar when you tell your kids he’s dead.

DEAR ELLIE: I haven’t felt I could leave what’s long been a difficult marriage due to children, financial dependence, a vindictive spouse and in-laws.

I’m staying till my children are bigger or I feel stronger. I’ve attended courses and am seeking work. Now my husband’s opening a business; if it fails, the bank will look to us both for repayment.

I’m expected to largely set up and run the business, but told there are regulations (from the professional body) prohibiting me from being a part owner; I can only be an employee.

It’s unfair that I should be equally responsible to the bank if the business fails, but cannot claim to be a part owner if it’s successful, and the marriage ends.

- NEED DIRECTION

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

Your direction is out.

First of all, I don’t know what “professional body” you’ve been consulting, and I’m no lawyer, but I did take paralegal classes once, and if you have no ownership rights, then you should also have no liability if the business fails (the bank will go after the “deep pockets,” and if those aren’t yours—which I suspect they’re not—you shouldn’t sweat it).

It’s possible that you feel you have to remain with your husband because he’s your only means of support. Well, if the business does fail, and you don’t have ownership rights, that becomes a moot point, doesn’t it? Also, you get no share if it’s a success (a remote possibility, since unpleasant people like your husband tend to have a hard time retaining customers). You literally have nothing to lose. The only way you will be in any way liable is if you’re married to the owner and have joint assets. Which is a pretty strong case for not staying with him.

So don’t let the doorknob hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. As far as the kids, it has to be less stressful to grow up with separated or divorced parents than it is with a father who subjugates and belittles their mother.

Save your sanity. Leave him now. Then let mice loose in his new business and call the health inspectors. Anonymously, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it’s appropriate for a guest at a funeral to comment negatively to the family afterward? I think it is insensitive.

AARON’S ROTTEN ADVICE:

It depends on what they’re commenting on, I suppose. If you mean they’re making negative comments about the service itself, then yes, it’s pretty insensitive.

Just tell them, “The guest of honor didn’t give a shit, so neither should you.”

Thick Planks Talking to Brick Walls

2010-02-16T11:22:00.005-05:00

I've concluded that some people have just been put on the earth to piss me off, like karmic toadstools littering the landscape after a hard acid rain.

Which group is the most annoying is a subject of debate--it changes and shifts from day to day--but after this weekend, I've decided to award the crown and sash to the Oblivious Ambient Phone Yakkers, or OAPYs. For those of you who are unfamiliar, those are the diseased people who constantly have to be on their cell phones, compulsively chattering to their addlepated friends about their exes and sex lives, or arguing with family members like mullet-wearing white trash at a Pizza Hut, all the while ignorant of (or apathetic to) the immediate and unrelated physical environment they actually inhabit at that moment.

This weekend I was at Target, like I am most weekends, doing my weekly canned-good buying and scoping for discounts on yet another season of "SNL" on DVD (it was Season Three this week--bet you were dying to know that). In front of me (and many others as she weaved slowly and vertigo-like through the aisles in a haze of apathy) was a petite brunette 20-something with a stocking cap that put me in mind of a mid-90s Alanis Morrisette, circa her "Ironic" video. I should be grateful, I suppose, that this girl was at least muttering softly to her imaginary friend on the other end, and thereby sparing us the grisly details of her latest Brazilian wax, her plot to entrap some dopey recent law school graduate into marriage, or her plan to return to community college for her daycare teaching certificate.

Sadly, however, she had an unfortunate laugh. Unfortunate for me. High-pitched and squeaky, it sounded like Topo Gigio having an orgasm against an electric fence. It emerged whenever she said or heard something that amused her. And she was amused a lot.

Worse still was the fact that she was absolutely inescapable--every corner I turned to go into an aisle, she was there, blocking the way, oblivious to her surroundings and gweaking (that's "giggling" and "squeaking" combined--eat your heart out, Lewis Carroll) at her friend's story of a drunken apartment lockout, or the time she threw up an entire twelve-pack on some traffic cop or something.

Mutter, mutter. Gweak, gweak. It made me long for a block of poisoned cheese to slip into the basket over her arm.

Now lest you think I'm being misogynistic, not all OAPYs are women. Some are gay men who chatter about their Manhunt profiles, and about their current crop of prospects who can't measure up to their impossible expectations or be worthy to shake the peaches from their trees (these little turds clearly haven't gazed in the mirror lately). The universal element, however, is a fundamental disconnect from their physical surroundings. They seem to forget that they are, right this moment, in a public place, with other people who cannot avoid and are forced to hear the intimate details of their lives, and that their attention to these conversations has distracted them from simple motor activities--like walking and talking, for example. (I don't even want to see them TRY to chew.)

It's worse outdoors, where people have to shout in order to be heard over the environmental noises of traffic or commuter trains. It's more dangerous, too, as people pay less attention to approaching motorists and other street hazards. It's commonplace to have to slam on your brakes for an OAPY who's crossed the street without looking and who doesn't even look up from his conversation at the sound of your horn to see the middle finger you offer in greeting. Maybe this is Darwin's theory in action. Perhaps this is the "magic bullet" that will actually thin the herd.

I can't understand the need to be constantly talking to somebody else who's not even present. Does it feed into the self-obsession of the new world, where we must be talking about ourselves constantly, so as not to turn into pumpkins? Or is it, as one of my friends suggested, a reaction to the ever-increasing prices of cell phone calling plans? (I.e., since they're paying so much for all those minutes, they'd better use them!) If the latter is the case, I wish they'd just call Dial-a-Prayer. I'd be glad to give them a reason.

I wonder sometimes what these people did before we were constantly "connected" and accessible. What did they do when there were no cell phones, no emails? Then I come to the eerie realization that they probably don't remember a time when these things weren't available. I wonder if they've ever used, or even seen, a postage stamp in their lives.

And what about the nature of their conversations, the intimate delicate details of their lives (however wasted) served up like an unsavory cheese board for the rest of the world to pick through for the least green and smelly bits? Is it deliberate, a perversely gleeful bid for attention, like guests on "Maury Povich?" Or have they assumed, like the nose-picking stoplight motorists of yesteryear, that because they're not involving anyone else in their physical activity, it's neither heard nor seen by the hordes of unwilling others forced by proximity and errand into attendance?

Well, one thing's for sure: next time, I'm turning my iPod up higher so I can't hear.

Unwanted Advice - Feb. 12, 2010 ("Grey Friday"--that's the Friday before "Black Sunday"--Edition)

2010-02-12T17:27:00.002-05:00

DEAR MARGO: I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried. I’ve been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can’t stand him. He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike. In fact, he’s rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him around. How to handle this? I’ve told her it’s my choice and my house, and I can have company. (He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.) I mostly see him when she is at her dad’s house. The vehemence of her dislike really hurts. She’s rarely been around anyone I’ve dated, partly because I’ve hardly dated in the past 10 years. Must I choose one or the other?

— TORN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

You know, precociousness is cute in a 6-year-old, but it’s less so in a bitchy teenager. Tell her to back the fuck off. I get that she’s probably insecure about losing the only parent that she has “to herself,” but she’ll forget all about that shit when she’s in college and starts knocking boots with some frat boy who wears a backwards baseball cap and has an IQ of 70. It’s not worth passing up your chance at happiness so she can preserve her illusion for one more year.

In answer to your question, no you do NOT have to choose between the two—as you said, it’s your house and your choice. Tell Little Imelda that if she doesn’t like it, she can go look for a cheap studio with a hot plate and buy ramen noodles in bulk at Costco.

DEAR AMY: My mother and "Barbie" started working in a nursing home more than 25 years ago and are good friends.

Mom retired in 2008, and Barbie still works there part time. Mom suffered a stroke last spring and wanted us to put her in the home where she worked.
At first, Barbie was so helpful. She truly was a godsend. But things have changed. Barbie visits my mom at the nursing home every single day, and I know mom likes to see her. My brother and I try to visit mom at least once a week, but our jobs and family commitments make it impossible for us to see her as often as we would like.

Barbie has taken over. I can't call my mom without Barbie picking up the phone, and she doesn't even work in my mom's wing.
She shows up at my mother's therapy sessions, has insulted her care manager, tried to insinuate herself into care meetings, has attempted to accompany mom to doctors' appointments and even tried to persuade one of mom's doctors to change her medication.

How do I get this to stop?

— STRESSED OUT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Well, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you or another family member are your mother’s medical power of attorney (POA). You can get the POA form the nursing home office—and if I were you, I’d call the office when “Barbie’s” not around, so she can’t horn in.

The next thing you do is have a nice li’l sit-down with Babs and tell her that you appreciate her friendship with your mother and that you know your mother does, too, but that it’s time for her to step off and let her designated caregivers do their job and stop taking control of her phone calls.

If all that fails, tell the nursing home staff that you want Babs barred from your mother’s room. You can do that, you know—don’t ask me how I know this. It’s a painful choice, but sometimes when people get a little nutty, you have to put down a little ass-kick on ‘em until they see reason.

DEAR ELLIE: We met in our 40s, with similar incomes, both owning our own house and car. Within six months we bought a house together with equity from mine.

His son and family were renting his basement. We agreed that my son and family would rent the upstairs, paying $200 more.

My son’s hard working, hoping to finish college and his wife’s in college. His son and daughter-in-law are high-school dropouts. He’s a pot smoking gamer.

Recently, his son’s wife admitted to regularly stealing food from my son's family. His son got stoned at Christmas, despite my request otherwise. His father defended him.

Recently, his father fell and his disability pay isn’t sustaining us. He’s decided he’ll work less as “we” make enough together and I wasn’t entitled to disagree.
I noted that his "extra" expenses, e.g. smoking, exceeded mine. Also, I won’t support his deadbeat son and daughter-in-law. He insists I support them no matter how they treat me.

I’ve suggested separate banks accounts, he’s refused. He wants out, fed up with my nagging. I don’t want it to end like this.

- TURNING POINT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Perfect—if he wants out, it saves you the trouble of throwing him out. Who cares how it ends, just so long as it ends? Sorry to say it, but the best (and really the only) option is for you to sell the house and split the proceeds. You take your half and buy a smaller place for you and your family—he can take his half and continue to accompany his son and daughter-in-law to the pot dealer and Old Country Buffet afterwards. Wanna bet on how long that money’ll last?

Oh, and get a divorce. Did I forget to mention that? Yeah—flush him.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is addicted to her cell phone. Whenever we're out together it's impossible to converse with her because she always has one or two text conversations going on.

The first thing I hear in the morning is her phone buzzing, notifying her of an incoming text. The last thing I hear at night is her sending a good-night message to one of her friends. If no texts are coming in, she plays games on her phone even if we're watching TV or if company is over.

I have told her it's making me crazy, but she won't stop. The constant clicking drives me up the wall. I feel as though I have lost my wife to her phone. Am I being overly sensitive? What do I do?

-- CLICK-CRAZY IN CALIFORNIA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, you’re not being overly sensitive, but unfortunately, this “being connected 24 hours a day” thing is a symptom of our modern age, and there seems to be no turning back. I think couplehood is outdated nowadays when people don’t need other people to amuse themselves. They can hit a button now and get titillated a whole new way that doesn’t require AA batteries.

If you decide this is worth fighting for, throw the fucking phone out the window. If she puts up a fuss, throw her right after it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved adult son is currently incarcerated. When a casual acquaintance asks me how my children are and what they’re up to these days, I have no problems being polite but vague.

But when dearer friends with whom I haven’t recently spoken ask about them, it becomes a bit more difficult. This is a rather painful subject, one I am not inclined to discuss with many. I also have no wish to violate my son’s privacy.
On the other hand, I don’t wish to give a friend the impression they were wrong to ask, as the problem is mine, not theirs.

Is there a polite way to let them know that my son is physically well and then change the subject without alarming my friends?

--BUSY BAKING A FILE INTO A CAKE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Technically speaking, the problem is your son’s, not yours. But I understand what you’re saying. For a nice, simple, non-alarming answer that effectively closes the subject, try this: “He’s in the pokey, but so far he hasn’t been poked yet.”

When Two Fools Collide

2010-02-05T17:17:00.005-05:00

Just so you know, the Palin photo is courtesy of Fox News (boy you don't hear "courtesy" associated with THEM often, do ya?). Limbaugh (R) was photographed by Ethan Miller for Getty images (probably with a wide angle lens and a BIG-ass filter). Fashions were no doubt provided by Fart & Fleet (Palin) and J.Petereater (Limbaugh).

Anyway, it looks like Palin's hit a snaggie-poo in her quest to ban the word "retard" from the American lexicon. Turns out Rush Limbaugh likes the word, too (he's familiar enough with it, so that's only fitting).

This oughtta be good. Limbaugh may be dangerously unhinged, and I wouldn't allow him near heavy machinery (unless it were digging his grave), but once he throws himself into a fight, there's no stopping him (are you surprised?). He has no "edit" button and he's NEVER wrong. Palin is riding high on her Carnival Queen Sedan Chair on the heels of that toilet paper she just published. So you know SHE'S feeling cocky.

Wanna place bets on which one of 'em's gonna go down? Or maybe these two tick-turds will cancel each other out. Either way, this ought to be good, even if it burns out quickly (like Levi Johnston).

UPDATE (Feb. 8, 2010): Well, it appears that Pin-Up Sarah is party-loyal enough to defend Rush Dimbulb's "r-word" usage. Or else she's afraid that he'll come and sit on her or something. In any event, she contends that Rush's use of the word is acceptable, because it was used in a "humorous context" for political satire.

Which makes her a hypocrite on top of everything else. The word is pejorative, no matter who says it or how it's used. It's NEVER a compliment. So if it's not OK for one man to use it, then it's not OK for another man to use it, no matter how big he is.

Her convenient sense of morality is a bit disturbing--the main reason she objected to this word in the first place was because she has a son who is developmentally challenged. So what if a playground bully were to taunt her son someday using this same word? Would she check his parents' voter registration cards to see if she should just ignore the insult for political expedience?

Every time my life looks bleak I just thank God I didn't have parents like her.

This Just In! Sarah Palin Plays the "Outrage" Card!

2010-02-02T16:19:00.006-05:00

Sarah Palin has a new best friend. Or at least, a juicy source of fodder for her Faux News TV show.

Apparently, last summer, Rahm Emanuel said in a closed-door meeting with Obama cabinet members that Democrats who didn't support health care reform were "f***ng retarded."

Now, granted, Emanuel doesn't choose his words wisely. Truthfully, he's brash, tactless, headstrong and politically incorrect. In fact, if he'd only take up hunting, he'd be the perfect Vice President. Sarah Palin is now calling for his dismissal and an apology from him, saying that his words are a slur against "all God's children with cognitive and developmental disabilities."

Kind Sarah Palin. Compassionate Sarah Palin. A saint who cares for all of God's children--as long as they are heterosexual, Republican and eat meat.

But she's full of pipe dreams (among other things) if she thinks Emanuel's about to apologize to her. He's already apologized to Tim Shriver, CEO of Special Olympics, who's accepted the apology. But it should be noted that Emanuel once mailed a dead fish to a political opponent. Lord knows what he'd send her (anyone seen "Pink Flamingos?"). It wouldn't likely be a dead fish, since she might mistake that for a long-lost twin.

How about this: Rahm Emanuel will quit his job and apologize the day that Sarah Palin drops out of politics and faux-news punditry and apologizes to the nation for reducing its politics to a bathing suit competition. She shouldn't have a problem with doing that--after all, removing these distractions will afford her all kinds of time to devote to her own developmentally-challenged son Trig during his first few crucial years of brain development.

And, of course, he's the most important thing in her world, isn't he?

Isn't he?

Unwanted Advice, January 29, 2010 Edition

2010-01-29T17:54:00.002-05:00

DEAR MARGO: I have a 23-year-old daughter who is in her third year of medical school. She has always been levelheaded about most things but has little experience in the relationship area. Recently she met a man four years older than she. He is working, stable and seems to be a very nice person based on what she has told me. The problem is he is not educated. He joined the military right out of high school, served for four years and is now working for the federal government.

In some ways I feel that one's educational level should not matter. In other ways I feel that attending college rounds you out in ways that can't happen without that experience. My daughter is somewhat uncomfortable about the disparity in educational levels, and my husband is quite upset about it. His feeling is that we have put too much of a premium on education in our family for my daughter to even consider dating someone who is not college educated. Any thoughts on how we should deal with this?

--- HAPPY FOR MY DAUGHTER, BUT WORRIED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS

Yeah, I think you should butt out before you turn your daughter into an old maid. If you two put such a “premium” on education and she still dared to look outside the lecture hall for a mate, then she’s clearly putting her “premium” on something else, and it ain’t a mortarboard. But the fact that she’s “uncomfortable” with his lack of education indicates that your intellectual snobbery may have bled through enough to win out in the end.

If it doesn’t, and this liaison does end in marriage, you and Mr. Einstein can make yourselves feel better by giving the groom a See-and-Say toy as a wedding gift on your way to the Mensa meeting.

DEAR ELLIE: I dated a young lady for eight months and thought we were both in love. Last summer, she travelled in Europe and had a 3-week long affair (including sexual intercourse) with a man from Australia.

Two weeks before she left, I’d given her an expensive promise ring and helped her pack. Our relationship had no signs of trouble.

When she confessed (I’d known something was up) I broke up with her. She immediately displayed extreme remorse. She visited me (four hours away), removed the guy from her Facebook account and said she’d do anything I requested, even move to my hometown.

I knew that’d only provide temporary relief. She then proposed a threesome with any girl of my choosing; I rejected this offer, too. For months, she was extremely remorseful. I remained unconvinced.

Yet, I constantly think about her and am starting to think that, maybe, her commitment to me is genuine. And I’m hoping she’ll never cross the infidelity line again.

Are these offers signs of a woman who’ll go to the ends of the earth to keep her relationship intact? Or is this a larger problem dealing with self-respect, self-confidence, trust and self-worth?

(She’d previously said that her father was “non-existent,” leading her to make poor decisions and choices regarding men and relationships. An ex-boyfriend also physically abused her).

Should I give her another shot and start fresh?

-CONFUSED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

How about this? You give her a nice big shot of saltpeter, then “start fresh” without her.

Your instinct is correct—anybody who accepts an expensive ring, then bonks the first guy she meets Outback is not going to hesitate to do it again once she gets the real ring on her finger and the money in her bank account. I suspect her “remorse” is more “regret” that she shat where she ate and alienated a good breadwinner. Her use of psycho-babble to explain her actions is also a big red flag (“non-existent” father—please!). Pay attention to it.

And how exactly does a “threesome” fix things? They must have used The Happy Hooker as her Sex Ed text book in school.

DEAR AMY: My daughter-in-law is constantly telling me that I raised my son wrong. They have been together for 20 years and have two teenage children. My son has been the sole provider during this time. She believes that it is her place to stay home with the children.

I get to hear how my son does not do enough for her. She says I raised a thoughtless brat. There are variations on this theme, but it is something I hear over and over. I smile and tell her I did the best I could at the time. She smiles and lets me know that I failed miserably.

It never fails to hurt and make me a little angry!

I can't tell her to stop, because no matter how I word it, she will feel hurt and take it out on my son.

I never mention that her children have police records and that they don't know how to make decisions because she decides everything for them. I love these kids, but they are not too bright, if you know what I mean.

How do I tell her that no one is perfect? How do I let her know that after 20 years, maybe she has helped to make him the person he is now?

— No. 1 WORST MOTHER

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Stop smiling and tell the bitch that once she married your son, it was her turn to start “raising him right,” and that you’re sorry she was too dense to figure that out. Whatever the problems are, after 20 years, they’re hers now, so she can just damn well lump ‘em.

And if she’s a full-time stay-at-home mom and still can’t keep her kids out of the pokey, she has precious little room to criticize anyone else’s parenting skills. Tell her to cram it.

DEAR ABBY: My 31-year-old son, “Joey,” who needs a heart transplant, almost died a few weeks ago. On what we thought was his deathbed, I told Joey I would give him anything he wanted if he pulled through. He wanted a very expensive sports car.

Well, my son pulled through but has other physical challenges. My husband and I are sending him $500 a month until he starts receiving money from Social Security. It’s the best we can do right now. The problem is, Joey keeps hounding me about the sports car. I cannot afford this gift.

It’s eating me alive that I can’t give my son what I promised. On the other hand, his request is unreasonable. Please help.

— JOEY’S MOM IN LAS CRUCES

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I can’t fault you for making what was obviously a very dangerous promise: when someone we love is in peril, we’ll give anything in our power to pull them out of it.

The key word is “in our power.” It’s obviously not in your power to give your son this car. He should have realized this and known better than to ask for it. (Frankly, at 31, he’s already too old to be so immature.)

Since he keeps badgering you about it, you’re going to have to ‘fess up and tell him you can’t buy it for him.

What’s he gonna do, die just to get back at you??

So long, Tangina...

2010-01-28T11:03:00.001-05:00

R.I.P. Zelda Rubinstein (1933-2010)

After A Lengthy Absence From Posting, THIS Is What I Come Up With? It Hardly Seems Worth It...

2010-01-27T15:10:00.003-05:00

(AP photo)

U.S. figure skater Johnny Weir has gotten himself into a spot of bother with some animal rights groups because his recent costume contains fox fur. I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that fur was used, or the fact that the costume makes him look like Bebe Neuwirth on "Cheers."

But did anybody else find it humorous that the Friends of Animals president is named "Priscilla Feral?" I just can't stop laughing at that...

But that doesn't mean that I endorse fur. I don't wear it and I wouldn't buy it for anyone else. So if you're thinking of giving me a hard time because I'm laughing at someone's name while people are being mean to bunny rabbits and foxes, well, save yourself some time and just go fuck yourself.

Alternatively, you can donate money to the people in Haiti. Or a truckload of Whoppers to Rush Limbaugh. Or some acne medicine to Bill O'Reilly. (Doing something for PEOPLE. Now THERE'S a revolutionary idea!)

Thanks!

Aaron's Unwanted Advice: Dec. 18, 2009 ("Ho-fucking-Ho") Edition

2009-12-18T10:16:00.002-05:00

DEAR MARGO: By his choice, my father-in-law, "Herman," has had little to do with my wonderful family. He is a negative, toxic individual whom I don’t trust, given his manipulative and abusive behavior.

When his wife finally moved out some years ago, Herman did as he had long ago threatened: He cut off contact with his son (but not his daughter). He seems to have a particular dislike for me, most likely because I don’t play along with his unacceptable, hurtful conduct. Happily, our family has a very close relationship with my parents, who lovingly dote on their grandchildren.

My children are now in fourth and first grades, and they’ve met Herman only once or twice that they can remember. I personally see little to be gained by reaching out to Herman, but I’m concerned my husband and/or children may have later regrets if he kicks the bucket. My husband says he doesn’t care; my son is now asking questions about his grandfather. Just how honest should I be with my son? And is it truly best to let nasty sleeping dogs lie?

— PREFERRING THE STATUS QUO

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yep. Let ‘em lie ‘til they die. You said yourself that “Herman’s” exile is self-imposed. He made his choice without regard to anyone else’s feelings, and your husband seems to recognize that, so I wouldn’t worry about later regrets. As far as your son, just tell him that “Herman’s a Hermit.”

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister, "Mia," is a lesbian who came out to her family 10 years ago. Her parents disowned her. We were just out of high school, and for years we had no idea why. We were not allowed to invite Mia to our wedding or to have any contact with her.

Several years later, she began trying to repair their relationship, despite the fact that she's forbidden to talk about her life or bring her partner anywhere near them. This was when we learned what had happened, and we were appalled at how Mia had been treated.

When she comes to town for holidays, she stays with us. Because of this, my in-laws treat us like "sinners" just as they do her, and we're caught in the middle.
We have tried explaining to these family members that they are entitled to their position and we're entitled to ours; that Mia is family and deserves respect and kindness. They call us liberal freaks with no moral values and say we should stand up to her and not let her "manipulate" us. My husband and I are tired of the drama we get at holiday time. Not only do they usually pick a fight with Mia while she's here, but they also won't speak to us for two weeks afterward. The last two times she came, Mia has either had to cut her trip short or has been reduced to tears by the harsh words from family members.

If you wonder why Mia even bothers coming home, it's because she wants to maintain contact with us and she loves her nieces and nephews. How do we handle these people, or do we just give up?

-- ODD ONES OUT IN OHIO

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

The second one. These people sound horrible, and I wouldn’t want to “handle” them with hazmat gloves. And you're the "odd ones?" I think not.

They have some nerve calling anyone else “freaks.” Do they shoot wolves out of a helicopter, too?? In some ways, Mia is assuming her own risk, knowing what these people are like and how they’re going to treat her, but it says a lot about her character and her attachment to you and your family that she continues to brave it.

Frankly, she sounds like the “keeper” here, and the in-laws sound like dangerous nuts. I’d treat them exactly as they treat Mia—cut them off completely. It will be uncomfortable, but you’re better off not exposing your kids to their “family values.” Besides, you already made enough concessions to their ~~snake-charming~~ religion when you excluded your husband’s sister from your wedding.

The Bible also says not to judge, lest we be judged ourselves. Have they forgotten this? Never fear—they’ll be reminded someday. In the meantime, enjoy the company of your sister-in-law and leave your in-laws to roll around the aisles at their leisure.

DEAR AMY: My mother has suddenly turned against drinking by anybody at any time, even though we are not from a family with a history of drinking issues.

I know mom is on lots of medication after numerous surgeries, and I also know there was an incident in the family regarding a niece who has a drinking problem.

I am hosting a 60th birthday party for myself. Even though my niece won't be attending, my mother will not go if there is one glass of alcohol served.

I am still in shock over this.

The party is for January, and I am already booking the restaurant and a violinist. I will find a hotel room for my parents so they have a quiet, private space before and after the party.

Do you have any idea how I should handle this?

If they refuse to come, it will hurt me so much, but should I change my party to fit in with her new rule?

-- JULIA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Hell no. It’s your birthday and your party, and at 60 years old, I think you’ve earned the right to celebrate however you want. Explain this to your mother and tell her that nobody will be allowed to drink and drive and everybody will behave responsibly, but you will not teetotal for this event, because it’s a party and it’s a milestone. Tell her that Jesus turned water into wine, so even he must have thought it was OK.

If all else fails, look at it this way: your mother’s got to be over 80 years old. Even if she tries to knock the glass out of your hand, you can easily overpower her. Don’t sweat it.

DEAR ELLIE: My marriage fell apart and within weeks I met a woman unhappy in her marriage. Things started out with fantastic sex, no commitment, no emotions.
However, we came to love each other and talked of moving in together. But I knew she’d probably never leave her husband and we’d split painfully. Recently, she told her husband everything ... about me and the other men she’d previously cheated with.

The next day, she called to say they've decided to work on things, though she claims they've been only roommates for the last 3-4 years.

We went from constant daily contact, to nothing. She was perfect in every way, except that she was married. I don't think any new woman I meet will compare to her.

--OVERWHELMED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

They certainly won’t, if you insist on comparing them to her. I have a question, though: hadn’t you guys already split up? So why the hell did she call you later and tell you that she and the hubby are “working on things?”

Whatever else she may be, she’s either terrible at reading a calendar or has a piss-poor memory. Either way, if this is the love of your life, you ain’t got much of a life. Move on.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My relatives are angry with me for not distributing a list of what I want them to give me for Christmas!

I understand that picking the perfect gift is not a challenge relished by everyone, and that "wish lists" and gift registries have become de rigueur, but somehow the whole thing feels to me like it's just gone too far!

If I'm going to tell you what to buy for me, you might as well give me money so I can buy it myself. In fact, let's just exchange money.
Come to think of it, how about we all go out and buy things we like for ourselves, and then show off our new purchases on Christmas morning? It seems that's what gift-giving has devolved into.

Any attempt to discuss this issue always results in hurt feelings and an insistence that I'm "hard to buy for." What can I do?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

It’s actually pretty common practice to give a list of things you want for Christmas, and frankly you come off like a spoiled diva. If it’s too much trouble to make a list, just ask for a muzzle next Christmas, and then please wear it.

The Joans and The Handcuffs-"Happy Xmas/War Is Over"-Flesh Hungry Dog Show, Dec. 4, 2009

2009-12-08T11:51:00.001-05:00

The Joans and The Handcuffs ~~showstopper~~ finale at the Flesh Hungry Dog Show at Jackhammer Chicago, Friday, December 4.

Sorry my Yoko sounds more like Edith Bunker--my voice was starting to give out (laryngitis). But doesn't Chloe look cute in her little dress? And doesn't David look all Christmasy in his Santa-esque housecoat?

Aaron's Rotten Advice (Friday the 13th, "It's Baaacccck!" Edition)

2009-11-13T16:41:00.001-05:00

DEAR ABBY: My neighbors, "John" and "Marcia," are such a nice couple, I'm not sure what to do. I don't know them all that well, but what's going on is extremely upsetting.

On several occasions, I have seen a woman park her car near my home after dark and walk to the back door of their house. About an hour later, I see John let her out the front door. He even has the nerve to kiss her goodbye right on the front porch! I'm sure he is slipping this tart in for sex -- right under his wife's nose.

I want to tell Marcia what's going on, but I'm unsure how to go about it. I have contemplated just going over, knocking on the door and blurting it out. I have also considered writing her an anonymous letter. What's the right way to let someone know that her husband is cheating on her in her own house while she's there?

-- NOT NOSY, JUST CONCERNED, NEW CUMBERLAND, PA.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

If her husband is cheating on her in her own house, while she’s there, and she can’t hear it, then she’s probably stone deaf. So she won’t hear you when you try to tell her. Butt out.

(Oh, and I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you ARE nosy. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be watching someone else’s house after dark.)

DEAR AMY: I recently reconnected with "George," an old flame who has made and sustained substantial life changes in the three years we were apart. These changes have improved his health, appearance and attitude, and they ultimately brought us back together. George takes pride in his diet and preferences for healthy food, and often talks about how he has lost weight or how little he eats.

He met some friends of mine for the first time when we went out to dinner for my birthday. In a snooty tone of voice, George said he wasn't hungry. My friends asked why, and he said, "Because I ate lunch today." They thought this was peculiar, as we had all eaten lunch and it was about 8 p.m. I was embarrassed that he came across this way. I'm often embarrassed about my dietary choices when I'm around him.

If I order pizza and it's not gourmet, he'll eat one slice and complain, and then he'll chuckle at me for eating it. I feel like such a pig around him because I eat more than he does, though I'm also more physically fit than he is.

It has gotten to the point that I hate even opening my fridge when he's there.

Aside from this issue, he's a loving, nurturing person.

I just don't know how to tactfully explain that bragging about not being hungry, or how little he has eaten, or how much weight he has lost, is generally bad form.

-- HUNGRY FOR A SOLUTION

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Here’s your solution: George is a douchebag. A “loving, nurturing person” does not make someone else feel awkward for something as normal as eating. If he’s lost lots of weight and improved his health, bully for him, but it doesn’t make him special. Thin people are going to die just the same as everybody else eventually. Ask Jackie Onassis if you don’t believe me. Oh, wait--you can't--she's dead!

Why would he agree to go out to dinner with you and your friends at all if he had no intention of, you know, eating dinner? When he said he wasn’t hungry and threw you attitude, you should have told him to chew on a straw and shut his piehole.

And tell him the next time he laughs at you for eating pizza, he’ll be wearing it.

DEAR MARGO: I honestly don't know where to turn. I can't share this information with family or friends, and my husband is so ashamed, he doesn't want me to tell anyone.

Now 52, he has been an alcoholic since he was 14. When he decided to quit drinking, he wanted to go out "with a bang." I was so proud of him for his decision that I told him whatever reward he wanted he could have. He is also very sexual, and he wanted to go to a strip club and have an intense version of a lap dance.

As it turns out, they can't really do that on site. So one gal offered to meet us at a hotel. I didn't think I could watch that, and I wasn't at all interested in participating, so we set the ground rules of three things he could do, and he took a cab up to a local hotel to meet her this past weekend. Today we talked about the experience, and although he really didn't want to hurt me, he felt he should be honest. They ended up doing everything a couple can do. He is hugely sorry and doesn't want anything more to do with strip clubs, porn or being with anyone else.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate him telling me what happened. On the other hand, I feel I am falling apart. I can't stop crying, can't stop visualizing. I just want it to go away. Do you have any advice for me? What do you think of this situation?

— DESPERATELY SAD

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I think you should have been a LOT more specific. You should have explained to him that when you said he could have “whatever he wanted,” you meant you would fix his favorite meal.

Your best option right now is to get tested for STDs. If all is clear, maybe it can go away. (On a side note, he’s been an alcoholic for almost 40 years and he can still…you know? He must be a very high-functioning alcoholic! )

All the same, if I were you, I’d start putting saltpeter in the pancakes.

DEAR ELLIE: I’m 40-plus, an adopted adult who never felt loved or appreciated by my family. My mother will repeatedly accuse me of some fabricated hurtful act or statement, as part of life-long competition between us - initially for my father's attention. He often seems to believe her tales. Eating has always been one of my escapes.

I’ve occasionally felt suicidal, and the lure of walking away with some dignity intact is strong. Should I?

- JUST HANGING ON

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Now I’m confused: were you adopted as an adult, or are you an adult who was once adopted as a child? Your language is a little unclear.

You could use time away from both parents, frankly. It sounds like your father’s part of the problem, since he either a.) believes her bullshit or b.) is pretending to believe her just to placate her. Either way, it’s not very healthy for you, so make yourself scarce.

As far as “walking away with dignity,” I assume you’re speaking of suicide again. I’d advise against it. Not only is it a desperate and selfish act, but people frequently soil themselves when they die, and that might leave you with less “dignity” than you’d hoped for. And frankly, nothing is worth that, especially a pain-in-the-ass mother. Get some hobbies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved mother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly after 45 years of marriage to my father.

At my mother's memorial-service reception, a scant two days after my mother's cremation and a week after her death, an older man sat down at the table I was sitting at and said, loudly and repeatedly, "We need to find George a new wife. That's what we need to do. He needs another woman."

I was beyond shocked. I can only assume the gentleman did not realize he was sitting three seats away from the grief-stricken daughter of the recently departed, but am I incorrect that such conversation is always completely and utterly inappropriate in such a setting, and so soon after the unfortunate event?
What would the proper response have been on my part? I sat there too stunned to say anything. All I did was shake my head to indicate my disapproval to a friend who overheard the conversation. I feel like I should have said something to defend my mother's -- and my father's -- honor.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Perhaps you should have agreed with him, then offered to fix your father up with HIS wife after you ice him.

To be honest, unfortunately, sometimes old people say whatever they want without regard to anyone else’s feelings. They think that’s one of the perks of getting old, and tough shit for everyone else. YOUR perk will be to mumble obscenities at him that he’s too deaf to hear, but that everyone else can hear and enjoy.

Unwanted Advice: October 16, 2009 Edition

2009-10-16T10:54:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been going through some issues of resolving an emotional affair and rebuilding our marriage.

He has been calling me "Dear" when we end a phone conversation and when we say good night.

I was feeling very special until I overheard him say this word of endearment to a female co-worker twice in a phone conversation while I was sitting there.

I felt hurt. I thought that word was for me alone, but now I know that he calls other women "Dear." I need to tell him. He may say I am being silly, but when you are trying to rebuild your marriage, shouldn't words of endearment only be spoken to your loved one and not to others?

--HURT HEART

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Geez, can you ski down these mountains you’re making out of molehills??

I would say that calling a co-worker “dear” is arguably a breach of professional etiquette, depending on how well they know each other, but that’s about it. It’s not the same as checking into a motel as “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith.” Unless he’s got his hands (among other things) somewhere they shouldn’t be, you need to get your panties unbunched. If you’re working on rebuilding a marriage, you should concentrate on the major issues and not throw away energy on minutiae like this.

DEAR AMY: I am in my late 20s and had to move home to my parents' house because of a lack of money. .

I have a part-time job and am working on starting my own business, so I am busy.

I've always had issues with men, especially with my father, but, recently, at home I have caught my father watching porn and at times "pleasuring" himself in the living room, while my mom is in bed in the next room.

This not only makes me uncomfortable but also angry that a married man (my dad) has to do this when his wife (my mom) is in the next room.

I have never uttered a word about it to either of them. If I could move out I would, but for now I'm stuck being uncomfortable and angry.

Any advice?

-- UNCOMFORTABLE AND ANGRY

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yeah—hit the bricks. If you can’t live with it (and I don’t know many people who could), then you must find a way to get your own place, even if it means living in an efficiency (studio) for a while or getting a roommate.

Ask for more hours at work so you can pay rent somewhere else. As far as “starting your own business,” that can wait: the world can do without more web designers or dog-walkers for the time being.

DEAR ABBY: The other day my kids asked me why I'm always so angry. I didn't know how to respond. I'm angry that they think their dad is "wonderful" because he plays with them all day (he's not working), takes them to get fast food (instead of cooking something healthy), and because he's their coach (he is having an emotional affair with one of the parents).

I assign chores to the kids because things never get done when I ask my husband to do them. If I remind them "It's trash day" or "Don't forget to vacuum the living room," my husband steps in and says, "I'll do it for you, Billy/Jane," which makes me the bad guy. I know if I ask for a divorce, the kids will want to live with him.
How do I explain this to them? And what do I tell my friends when they ask what a pretty, fit, successful woman like me is doing with an overweight, unemployed, lazy man like him? He's more personable than I am, but the stress of being the sole breadwinner has taken its toll on me.

--NEEDING ANSWERS, LEVITTOWN, PA.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

When did this “emotional affair” crap start??? Was it when people who’d let months of righteous indignation build up had nowhere to direct it, so they decided to level it against the opposite-sex friendships of their henpecked spouses?

Let’s forget that for a minute. It’s clear you think yourself at least a cut above your “overweight, unemployed, lazy” husband, and there’s a good chance he’s picked up on that, but you need to stick to the issues here. Tell him plainly: no more fast food, and he has to pick up some of the slack around the house—no compromises. Let the whole family know that you, too, would be more “personable” and less angry if you didn’t have to shoulder the burden of housekeeping alone. Those are pretty reasonable requests.

What is not reasonable is to keep reminding him how “pretty and fit” you are and imply that you could do better than him. Get off your high horse before you chafe your pretty thighs. Maybe then he won’t seek solace from one of the other parents. And when your “friends” have the audacity to comment on the disparity between you two, just keep reminding yourself (and them) that Father Time will intervene and make things equal soon enough. Ask them how they and their husbands look compared to 10 years ago.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally, the rules of etiquette conflict with my religious and moral convictions. When this happens, is there a way I can signal this to new acquaintances?

What I’m looking for is something along the lines of: “I recognize that my behavior in this instance isn’t polite, and may even be rude, but I’m committed to it for moral reasons. I apologize for any offense, but I’m not going to change this behavior. Should this be unacceptable to you, please feel free to sever our acquaintance now,” though preferably in condensed and less awkward form.

If some examples would be helpful, by far the most common is that I am committed to honesty and plain speaking, so I refuse to engage in the social dance of offering help expecting to be denied. Others include the social precedence of women qua women, and some of the titles and conventions used in addressing people (e. g. I’m not Mr. Sandler, simply Oliver Sandler).

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I don’t know when “son-of-a-bitchery” became a tenet of morality. And most religions demand that their followers be pushy and pious, rather than simply rude. So you’ve got me stumped on this one.

Furthermore, the fact that you’ve chosen to write to an etiquette column for advice on how to be rude suggests to me that you’re proud of your crappy personality. So why bother worrying what others think? The best advice I can offer is to just be yourself—I have a hunch that eventually, you won’t be approached by new acquaintances at all, and the problem will be solved.

DEAR MARGO: I am 31, and my brother is 28. Our parents divorced five years ago. Our father is remarried to a woman with a 12-year-old daughter, "Leigh." She is not especially bright, but she isn't a hopeless nitwit.

Our dad, however, is quite cruel to her. He calls her "Brain Damage" to her face (which Leigh thinks is a joke), writes e-mails to us about stupid things she does and rolls his eyes when she says something dumb. He's also rather abrupt when talking to her. I'm not sure how much Leigh picks up on yet, but I'm certain she'll figure it out sooner or later. She is a good kid who doesn't give anyone much trouble.

I really love my dad and am not sure how to approach him with this. I've tried speaking with him about it, but it doesn't do any good. I'm afraid if I do talk to him more seriously, he'll continue to do it when we're not around. He was an excellent dad to my brother and me; we never saw this side of him.

— STEPSISTER WITH CONCERNS

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Since you say he was an excellent dad to you and your brother, I wonder what’s happened to change him. He seems to have scattered a few of his marbles. Maybe he’s the one who’s “brain damaged.” Get him checked out by a physician—maybe a few months in a nice, clean little place with rubber sheets will bring him around.

DEAR ELLIE: I’ve been together with my boyfriend for close to four years and we’ve always had a good sexual relationship until the last year. He was living overseas for over a year and we had survived the “long distance relationship;” he came back a few times and I had gone overseas to visit him, and everything was great.

Since he returned to stay, he’s been having performance issues that he initially said was caused by stress. Now he says that he has no sex drive. We’ve almost come to a complete stop in our sexual relationship. I know that he loves me deeply and everything else in our relationship is great but this is starting to tear us apart.

He’s still very loving in every other way but he doesn’t think that this is a big issue. He thinks I’m putting too much value on this matter. I know that there’s no one else in the picture and it’s not because of any change in body image. The more I talk about it the more frustrated I seem to make him.

-WHAT TO DO?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

When he was overseas, was he living in England? I’ll bet he was. Try putting in a “Carry On” film—I understand those have unexplained aphrodisiac qualities.

The Joans CD Review

2009-10-02T10:44:00.003-04:00

We have our very first CD review (second paragraph), courtesy of Gregg Shapiro. He writes for the Windy City Free Press, along with several other syndicated publications across the country. This appeared in the Bay Area Reporter, a San Francisco area paper.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2009-09-11T15:19:00.003-04:00

On this day of somber commemoration, there's also a spark of happiness--my Dad's 64th birthday!

In honor of that event, I've FINALLY gotten around to uploading and editing the video I took during my aunt and uncle's "roofing vacation" last June, which coincided with Father's Day.

Enjoy!

This is It

2009-09-04T11:09:00.003-04:00

Well, tonight is the night--we're finally releasing our debut CD, "We Are the Joans," a year after its completion. Such a long wait!! But I think it should be worth it.

I've listened to the CD a few times, and I think Taylor did a wonderful job of mixing it. I'm not overjoyed with my performance in a few places, but I did, after all, record all the drum tracks (for all 10 songs) within one eight-hour period (the first day in the studio, as a matter of fact). This was definitely a limited-budget affair. But for all that, Taylor (musical genius that he is) gave us a really retro/garage-band/surfy 60s sound that works well for the whole package. (He also played multiple instruments and was our session "dad" the whole time, which I'm sure often drove him nuts! But he bore it with good grace.)

Everybody has their moments on this album and the packaging, thanks to Mike Miller (layout), and Bill Morey and Chris Tisone (who graciously allowed us to use their house for the photo shoot as well as the "Mad At the Dirt" video shoot), looks crisp and colorful.

(I'm told that the photo of me on the cover looks "handsome." Denver the photographer must be a fucking SCIENTIST.)

If you're in Chi-town, come on out to Schubas and join our party! We're playing with the Wanton Looks and The Handcuffs! Party starts about 9:30-10:00.

As luck would have it, the "Mad At the Dirt" video was just released on YouTube yesterday. And here it is (we'll be showing it tonight too):

Unwanted Advice: August 28, 2009 Edition

2009-08-28T13:13:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: We received a nasty note from our daughter-in-law, "Ariella." She lives several states away. Her father passed away about six weeks ago. They lived out of state, and we were never close with them.

Ariella is angry because we didn't send flowers to the viewing and didn't send her mother a sympathy card until two weeks after the funeral.

We're in our late 70s. Ariella's father was 89. Should we have sent flowers? And is two weeks after a death too late to send a sympathy card? Our other three children each received identical notes from Ariella.

- BEFUDDLED IN ALABAMA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Honey, you’ve got to stop cooking and baking with lard. It’s seriously affecting your circulation.

To answer your question, yes, two weeks is a very long time to wait to send condolences, particularly to the woman who’s married to your son. I don’t care if you were close to them or not—one assumes you’re close enough to the mother of your grandchildren to let her know you care before weeks have passed. Your age is no excuse—nobody’s asking to sprint to her house and hand the card to her. You can still manage to mail it on time.

And yes, flowers at the funeral would have been nice. It must have looked piss-poor for your daughter-in-law that her in-laws couldn’t be bothered to send so much as a dandelion. Expect crabgrass next to your casket when your time comes.

DEAR AMY: I have been married for 22 years and have a pretty good relationship with my wife. We have two great teenage sons. We have a great life, and by most measures, I am a perfect husband.

The problem is with my sexuality and infidelity.

I knew that I was bisexual when I met my wife and admitted it at the time. Ten years ago, I admitted to her that I had a sexual relationship with a man, and I took steps to prevent it from happening again. It was the worst time of our marriage. Unfortunately, it still happens.

I have tried many times to give up meeting men, but I can't. I have been advised by a therapist to work on my relationship with her, particularly in the bedroom, but I am no longer interested.

She is suspicious that I am having an affair. I really don't want a divorce, but I don't want to give up men, and I don't want to live a lie either. Is there any solution?

- JOHN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I'd be interested to see what yardstick you're measuring yourself by, because by my estimation, what you've described isn't anywhere near "perfect." (On second thought, maybe I don't want to see it.)

Has any of your “infidelity” involved another woman, per chance? I’ll bet not.

Listen up, Nancy, because it’s time for the hard (pardon the pun) truth: you’re gay. A ‘mo. A fairy. A friend of Dorothy. A pansy.

And if after 22 years, you still can’t manage to stay faithful to your wife, it means that there’s too great a pull towards the same gender and you’re better off coming clean (again, pardon the pun) to your wife and deciding as a couple what you should do next. You should in no way offer her any hope that you’ll change, because I’m telling you it’s simply not going to happen. Otherwise you would have already.

You two might decide that it’s best to end the marriage so that you can each be free to pursue a more fulfilling and open relationship. But whatever you do, stop seeing that therapist. He/she should have spotted this a mile off, and if they didn’t alert you then, they were just stringing you along to get your money. Close your purse.

DEAR MARGO: I have wronged one of my favorite cousins. Much worse, I embarrassed her in front of her friend, for which I am sorry. I should have handled it better. I immediately wished that I had spoken with my cousin and left her friend out of it.

Here's what the cousin told me with her friend present. I asked her to repeat it, thinking my ears had deceived me. Prepare to be shocked! She said: "On page 425 of Obama's health care bill, the federal government will require everyone who is on Social Security to undergo a counseling session every five years with the objective being that they will explain how to end their own lives. Yes, they are going to push suicide to cut Medicare spending!" I let her have it.

Forgetting one's politics, should a thoughtful person spread disinformation that clearly sounds nuts? She was very hurt that I would attack her this way. I continue to beg for her forgiveness. What do you think?

- MISSING MY CUZ

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I think you should stop apologizing. Anybody who’s stupid enough to believe that load of shit will likely forget that you spoke at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 15 years and I have been responsible with our finances, and our small but nice home is well below what we can afford. We live in an affluent area with numerous high-priced homes.

Throughout the years, I have had to endure snobby put-downs from neighbors about our house and the cars we drive, etc.

With the downturn in the economy, things are tough for a lot of our neighbors. Conversations with them inevitably turn toward finances. They are worried about losing their jobs and their businesses being slow.

I simply state that things are not bad for us, and I'm not worried. The neighbors then state that I am being foolish and I should be grateful for having a job. I state that we have not drowned ourselves in debt and have a mortgage we can easily afford.

That usually ends our conversation, which is funny since I didn't hold it against them when they made statements I felt were unkind. Do I need be less blunt or make up some feigned concern over finances to keep small talking with these people? My husband is able to keep the conversation neutral; I am not so glib.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

The funny thing about insensitive people as that they’re often so overly sensitive themselves. Of course it was OK for them to make fun of your house and car when times were fat—they were ridin’ high and caught up in that warm glow of conformism and “fit-in-itude” as I call it.

Now that things look a little less rosy, of course they don’t want to be reminded that they were cavalier about money back when, because they might recognize that “what went around, has come around.”

But they already know this, so there’s no reason for you to drive the point home by being smug. Karma has taken revenge for you—you don’t have to “feign concern” or be a bitch. Just be quiet.

DEAR ELLIE: In six years of knowing my fiancé’s parents, his mom’s never asked me a personal question beyond, how was work. They talk about themselves at family functions. Initially, I was upset, now I’m just sad because both my parents died and most people find my life interesting, since I’ve been on my own since age 14.

I expressed my feelings to my beau early on, as he was unaware that he needed to stand up for me. He’s asked them to ask me questions, but they seem to forget. I retreat to talk with the younger set.

Recently, his mom got angry that I didn’t thank her (which we both did) and at some past “sins” I’ve committed, and now I’m “not welcome” at family events, meaning holidays and birthdays. My beau said he’ll be spending less time with them because I’m also his family. He still visits them, as we live in the same town. He’s 50, I’m 48.

I told his mother that she appears uninterested in me - she said I was being overly sensitive.
I know I’m putting my beau between a rock and a hard place. What should I expect (reasonably) from his parents, from him, and how do I best deal with it all?

It’d be a first marriage for both of us - but I’m stepping back.

- SIDELINED IN SAN DIEGO

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

If it were me, I’d put casters on the legs of her walker—but that’s just me. So let’s recap: his mother falsely accuses you of not thanking her, and you’re the one who’s “overly sensitive?” She sounds like a real head case, and I’d take everything she says with a pound of salt. She also sounds self-absorbed and disinterested, and you shouldn’t concern yourself with her feelings beyond being polite and courteous.

As for how to deal with your fiancé, it seems he’s already wise to his mater’s shenanigans, is probably relieved at the excuse not to spend so much time around her, and pays his “duty” visits without dragging you along, since he knows you and she don’t get along. But it also shows that he recognizes this is not your fault, so fret not.

If you really want to go the extra mile, you can offer to accompany him occasionally, just to give him moral support. But do not feel you have to “step back”—you’re in a committed relationship with this man, and his mother has no right to demand his undivided loyalty at this stage of his life. Sounds like you’ve got a keeper—enjoy him!

Eight Days and Counting...

2009-08-27T15:34:00.002-04:00

The Handcuffs, The Joans and The Wanton Looks!! All your vices rolled into one evening!!

Even The Onion likes us. How can you resist??!

Get tickets now!

Unwanted Advice (August 21, 2009 "Just When You Thought It Was Safe" Edition)

2009-08-21T17:02:00.002-04:00

DEAR MARGO: I'm 12 and getting ready to go back to school. I do not want to hear everyone ranting about their freakin' opinions! I don't want to be mean, but my best friend, let's say "Cassie," is a Hard Core Republican and Hard Core Christian. I'm Christian, too, but I'm willing to accept different ideas into my life (although I am Independent/Green Party).

Like seriously every time I bring up how we'll be moving to a bigger school, Cassie rants about how "they're forcing us to take Evolution." She's also against EVERYTHING to do with gays. I told her to see "Milk" and how they fought for their rights just like everyone else, and she watched the trailer! I asked her what she thought, and she said, "Wow, I've never seen so many **** in one place."

OMG, Margo, I literally didn't talk to her for two months. What I'm basically asking is how can I get Cassie to turn it down a notch. Her attitude toward everything she doesn't like is seriously injuring our friendship. Cassie isn't the only one. Last year people in my class were constantly arguing at the lunch table and recess about how their thoughts are the only right ones.

-- HIPPIE DOWN THE STREET

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Hard Core Christian and Hard Core Republican, huh? No wonder she's so threatened by evolution.

You sound like a very smart girl. Sadly, for the next six years (and beyond, if you join a sorority), you’re destined to be surrounded by a vacuum of intelligence.

There’s nothing you can do to dial Cassie down, unfortunately. Just let her say whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Eventually, she’ll spout off to the wrong person and they’ll beat the ever-loving shit out of her.

Do not feel guilty about the secret satisfaction that gives you.

DEAR AMY: I will be getting married to a wonderful man in a few months.

My future mother-in-law never had any problems with me while my fiance and I were dating, but now that we are getting married, she refuses to give her blessing until she meets my family.

My father passed away when I was 8, but my mother is alive. She married a monster when I was 12. He sexually abused me, and my mother turned a blind eye to it and disowned me when I was 16, claiming I seduced him.

My future mother-in-law has stated that she will meet my mother one way or another and things would "go a lot smoother if [I] just cooperated." I do not have a relationship with any of my biological family, and that is a painful reality I have to live with.

My fiance has been unable to convince his mother that it is a bad idea, so I'm at a loss.

I am terrified that seeing my mother again will set me back psychologically.

What can I do?

-- FRUSTRATED FIANCÉ

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Well, you might start by finding a new “wonderful man,” because yours doesn’t sound like he has enough balls to stand up to mommy.

The “convincing” phase is over. Once you’ve both explained that it’s a bad idea, it’s time to move on to the “drop it” phase. If that doesn’t work, you may have to proceed to Plan C, which is the “elope, then move to an undisclosed location” phase. (That one’s kind of a last resort.)

(Seriously, you should think twice about marrying into this family. Do you want to spend every Christmas with this bitch?)

DEAR ELLIE: Three years ago our distraught son admitted his older cousin had sexually molested him from childhood through teenage. Therapy ensued.
At 25, he’s bright, successful and joined our family business.

The perpetrator, now 29, also works there and has a history of violence and anger. One day, he threatened to kill my son the next time he did “anything like that again.” There was always a huge size difference. My son wanted to get a police restraining order against his cousin. The therapist advised not to talk to the cousin about the past abuse until he felt ready (we’d previously told his parents).

My husband wanted to fire the cousin. A family meeting was held, the cousin denied the abuse or had no memory of it, and said the uttering of a death threat was only a joke. His father said the earlier incidents were experimentation, not abuse.

This cousin had constantly bullied all my children and was left unchecked by his family. My husband doesn’t want to destroy his close-knit family or the business partnership with his brother. My son might return to work, not directly involved with the cousin. I’m worried about his emotional health down the line.

I’d alienate my husband by not attending family parties any more, yet I want to support my son, who’s starting therapy again.

- STRESSED OUT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

You’re kidding me, right? Family parties?? If your husband puts so much importance on family unity, after all that’s happened, I think maybe he and this cousin should share a cab to the airport on their way to getting lost.

The cousin’s own family admits that there were sexual episodes between him and your son, whatever they’re calling it. (“Experimentation,” my ass. I’d hate to have him as my lab partner!)

The cousin also doesn’t deny making the threats, but said they were a “joke.” Clearly, they weren’t very funny, or your son would have been laughing at them. That means they were made in earnest.

Threatening another person that way is a felony, and grounds for immediate termination. Fire his ass yesterday. If his father decides to put up a ruckus, tell him if he doesn’t like it, he can buy out your half of the business, immediately, in cash, or shut the fuck up.

The only question left will be: how fast can this cousin pack his things?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 40 years old, and by a series of unfortunate events and three broken engagements in the past two decades, still a single woman. This is not a status that I celebrate.

At weddings, I just dread having to dodge yet another “throwing of the bouquet” tradition, where it seems everyone at the reception thinks it’s fun to shove any single female, including toddlers, out on the dance floor to battle for that “prize.”

At what point do they realize that I don’t want to bring attention to the fact that I’m single? The tragedy and embarrassment of it for me has long outlived the original ceremonial spirit of this youthful custom.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Offhand, I’d say that it stops when you tell people, the next time they try to shove you out there, to keep their fucking mitts off of you if they still want them attached when they leave.

DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned. I recently started seeing a man who refuses to kiss me. He will peck me on the lips or the cheek, but nothing more. I have asked him about it. He claims he has never kissed, and that it actually turns him off. I feel like because of this I can't connect with him on a more intimate level. Is this normal? Please help.

-- LIPLESS LOVER IN FLAGSTAFF, ARIZ.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Tell him he doesn’t get a blow job until he kisses you at least once. I guarantee he’ll pucker up right then and there.

Today's Advice Post (Which is Admittedly Irregular Anyway) is Postponed to Bring You This Important Announcement...

2009-08-14T12:42:00.002-04:00

I'm getting ready for The Joans' CD release on Friday, Sept. 4 at Schuba's in Lakeview.

I'm excited about the show because
A.) well, it's a CD release--I mean, we've waited forever to release this fucking thing (we recorded it last year), so now our fruit is hanging low, so to speak; and

B.) our friends The Handcuffs are playing with us. I've seen them live countless times. They're super folks, great musicians and widely played. Their songs get play on shows like "Gossip Girl," "The Hills" and Margaret Cho's VH1 reality show. Their drummer, Brad Elvis, is the touring drummer for The Romantics and they travel a LOT. So it's very cool that he made time to do this with us.

Also appearing are The Wanton Looks, a local Chicago all-female punk outfit that's smoking hot.

It promises to be a hell of a fun show, and all of this--ALL of it--costs only $8.00 at the door.

Three kick-ass bands for $8.00? Get it while it lasts, folks--the recession is coming to an end!

It's Baaaaack...Or "Good Advice is Certain to be Ignored. And so is Mine!"

2009-07-31T15:42:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: I would like to make my father's final years happy ones. The problem is, Dad is a bigot. He is loud, opinionated and verbally abusive to people. Visiting him is stressful because I know the conversation will, at some point, turn to how terrible a certain person, country or political persuasion is. He is ill-informed yet convinced he is right.

My father is not willing to forgive anyone who has hurt him. He thrives on anger and hate. It saddens me that his last years are rooted in unhappiness and negativity. I don't know how to create lasting, loving memories for Dad or me. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

- OUT OF IDEAS

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

My suggestion is likely to land you in prison, but what the hell, here goes:

I don’t know how many “final years” your father has left, but it sounds to me like he’s devoted all his previous ones to making other people miserable. He has now come to what we refer to as his “uppance.” He has no choice but to endure the rest of the ride, so to speak, which rather puts you in the driver’s seat, now, doesn’t it?

So if I were you, I’d forget trying to make him “happy,” since it’s obvious he refuses to be. You should concentrate instead on keeping yourself and everyone else sane. Up his dosage and either keep him catatonic or “accidentally” take him peacefully and mercifully out of the world. Your call.

DEAR ELLIE: My husband has become a cycling nut and he’s gone for hours every weekend. We have a three-year-old, so I’m left at home, when I’d like to have family time since we both work. He says the exercise is vital to his energy level and good spirits.

It’s true that he’s more helpful at home, but only after he eats and has a nap (or he’s exhausted), so that’s more time for me on my own. He’s also more interested in sex, which is fine for him, but I’m tired from being alone with our daughter most of the day.

I’m finding myself whining at him about the biking, the chores, everything. How do I handle this?

- RESENTFUL

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Awwww, look at him being all helpful after he’s had a li’l nappie and num-nums! See? See what a good boy he’s being?! When do you get your nappie, when you’re stuck at home babysitting by yourself while he’s off discovering his inner Lance Armstrong?

Tell him that it’s equally “vital” to his well-being that he make time to pitch in around the house when it suits you, not just him. That solo “Easy Rider” shit ended when he said “I do.”

If he resists, explain exactly what lack of compliance could mean to his newfound sex drive. Hope those cycling magazines have good centerfolds.

MORE ELLIE GOODNESS:

DEAR ELLIE: My neighbour’s lawn is a disaster; she’s a widow so doing all the lawn-care herself may be too much work, or maybe she can’t afford a helper.

I’m a middle-aged man who’s recently separated, but staying in the house as my ex went back to her homeland.

I’m a very good gardener so it bothers me to have an unsightly lawn bordering mine. But is it inappropriate for me, living alone, to approach this woman (attractive, my age) about her lawn, and offer to care for it?

- WONDERING

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yes, it would. Let me guess: you had one of those “mail order brides” that didn’t work out, hence the “ex who went back to her homeland.” And if this neighbor woman wasn’t so “attractive, about your age,” would you be so interested in taking on her lawncare yourself? Or would you just call the city and complain about her yard? Creep.

Here’s a news flash for you, buddy: she’s not going to suddenly swoon at the sight of you mowing her lawn without your shirt on. So you can forget that. If her yard bothers you so damn much, put up a higher fence.

DEAR AMY: Recently, my fiance, "Timothy," and I decided mutually and amicably that we were not right for each other. However, the date of the wedding was looming, and we had arranged and paid for it entirely on our own without assistance from relatives.

We decided to go ahead with the wedding despite our feelings toward each other, but we did not tell our families or friends how we felt because we want to keep our issues private.

A week later, we got the marriage annulled. My uncle, who gave us an expensive breadmaker as a wedding gift, became very irate when we annulled the marriage.

He left long and obscene messages on my phone and on Timothy's phone, saying he wants the breadmaker back. Timothy and I already divided the gifts between us, and he has the breadmaker and does not want to relinquish it.

We feel as though we threw an expensive party for our friends and families and, even though we are not together anymore, we deserve the gifts as reparation.

This is causing a lot of tension in my family. How can I defrost the chilly atmosphere the next time I see my uncle?

- SINGLE AGAIN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Try this: contract a fatal disease, then die. I guarantee that whenever the family gathers again, they’ll have only nice things to say about you. But since you’re no great loss, they’ll quickly rebound. I’ll bet your uncle will even let your former ~~schmuck~~ fiancé keep the breadmaker with no hard feelings.

Oh, by the way, one question: are you seriously this delusional??? Your issues ceased to be “private” when you invited your whole family to watch a fake ceremony. And the fact that you paid for it yourself “without any help from your relatives” does not entitle you to keep gifts given in the good faith that your marriage was a real one, unless you paid for those gifts yourselves, too. Since you didn’t, you should give them back.

Hopefully, you stay single for a long time. If you ever do ~~manage to reel in some sucker~~ decide to tie the knot again, do everyone a favor and elope.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:

Several years ago, I volunteered at an elementary school and became friendly with a mother and son who both taught there. My health has since deteriorated to the point where I am in a wheelchair. I left my volunteer job and the mother and son moved on.

In the eight years since we worked together, the mother has sent me jokes and prayers through e-mail, but seldom a personal message. I have not heard from the son in at least four years. Nothing at all until I received his wedding invitation. I sent my regrets, and a note saying I would send a gift when I was out of the hospital. That day, I was cleared for surgery, and I spent three days in a hospital and four weeks in a rehab facility.

While I was unable to get my e-mail, the mother of the groom sent me four e-mails reminding me to send her son "something to honor his special day." I then received a group e-mail with a few wedding pictures, so everyone she sent it to was able to read her message that I could finally get her son a gift, and how was surgery? I could also see that she had abased another recipient.

I finally wrote her that I'd had enough. They claim to be devout Christians, yet they are hounding me for a gift. I explained that being in a wheelchair, it is difficult to get out, and I was sorry I didn't go shopping.

Then her son took over. He ignored my physical limitations and went on and on about how he gave me two months and I should have had plenty of time to buy him something. I have not heard from the man in four years, and then I receive an invitation to his wedding. Do I owe him a gift?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

They wouldn’t be able to do these awful things to you if you weren’t in that chair! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

To answer your question, no, you do not owe him a gift. Even if you had mentioned getting him one earlier, I think his behavior since your illness has canceled out your obligation.

Furthermore, I wouldn’t respond to the son of a bitch (and I mean that literally) again. You should let the restraining order do the talking for you. These people sound nuts, and you should avoid any contact at all. I'm sure they have other things to keep them busy. After all, Halloween will be here before you know it, and I'm sure they have lots of razor blades to hide in apples or something.

More Fun Than a Body Deserves (Especially THIS Body)...

2009-07-26T21:39:00.005-04:00

This weekend, I got to see a bunch of great musical performers in two different shows---and genres.

Since I never do anything the right way round, I'll go in reverse chronological order...

This afternoon, I went to the Village Players Theatre in Oak Park to attend the 10th Annual Season of Concern benefit, where my friend Stephen, the Executive Director of SOC, was going to be performing. It was produced by his friend Karen Bronson (who was wearing a killer stylish pair of pink and white pumps!), and consisted of two sets of songs written by William Finn and Richard Rodgers. I always liked Richard Rodgers because of the "Sound of Music" and "South Pacific," and because his daughter Mary wrote the novel and screenplay for one of my favorite all-time Disney movies EVER, Freaky Friday (it started my lifelong crush on Jodie Foster--which is improbable for many reasons, I realize, but I wanted so bad to BE Annabel Andrews it wasn't funny. She lived near the ocean, got to play field hockey, AND her mom drove a cool red VW convertible!). William Finn I only knew because of the songs of his that we used to perform when I was in Chicago Gay Men's Chorus (most of them were from "Falsettos," although we did once perform "Sailing" from "A New Brain"). But the list of performers looked impressive, so I was excited to attend.

I'd never heard Karen or Stephen sing before, but I knew they were talented. I didn't realize HOW talented until I heard Stephen sing "Stupid Things I Would Not Do" (a Finn song). The sense of timing that's required to perform the song with all of its bits of shtick would reduce a lesser performer to a slobbering mess. But he handled it so smoothly and infused every word with its full humorous power.

Karen has a beautiful and smooth voice that's just a joy to listen to, and when she sang one of the last songs in the set "When The World Stopped Turning," it cut right through me. (It seems that Finn wrote it when his mother was dying, so it hit really close to home. Especially the last few lines, where "quietly one day in late May, the world stopped turning." My mother died in late May last year, so of course I thought the song was about me. Me, me ME!! Everything is about me.)

Everyone on the stage was marvelously talented, and they obviously loved the songs they sang, and it's impossible not to watch somebody do that and not love it right along with them. Of course, they made it easy...

And on Saturday, went to the Lincoln Street Festival to watch my friends and favorite local band, The Handcuffs. I first saw them when we played our first public gig as The Joans at The Flesh Hungry Dog Show in May 2007, and they were on the same bill. I was taken with their retro, 1960s mod look and their eclectic musical style. Singer Chloe F. Orwell is a petite powerhouse with a silky but strong voice, and can rock a psychedelic print dress and purple go-go boots like nobody else in the world. The drummer, Brad Elvis, has a musical pedigree that's longer than the Windsor line: a member of The Elvis Brothers during the 80s and early 90s, Big Hello in the late 90s (with Chloe) and is also the touring drummer for The Romantics. (Yes, the "Talking In Your Sleep" Romantics.) Guitar/keyboardist Ellis Clark (who plays both instruments during the same song at time) and bass player Emily Togni (who also has a great set of pipes) round out the ensemble. Their music has appeared in "Gossip Girl" (if you've heard the song "I Just Wanna Be Free Man," then you've heard them), "The Hills" and on Margaret Cho's VH1 reality show.

The weather was beautiful Saturday and they played a terrific set. They played a longer set than usual, which meant more fun for us! God was truly smiling on us this weekend--even the rain stayed away until we'd had our fun! And to top it off, I got great parking spots for both events--and I didn't even get a ticket for my expired meter on Saturday. (Granted, it was only 10 minutes over, but I've seen the meter maggots swoop in like vultures the second that flag goes up...so it's always iffy.)

The Handcuffs will be playing again next Saturday (August 1) at Halsted Market Days at 2:00 PM. Anybody want to join me?

They'll also be playing with The Joans at our CD release party on Friday, September 4 at Schuba's. (Yes, it's a holiday weekend, but you can still leave town on Saturday and have plenty of fun! And if you buy our CD the night before, you'll have something to play in the car!) More details later...

Have a great week! (I still hope to have the Unwanted Advice column back on Friday.)

Sigh The Dreamy Ones Are Always Married, or Straight...

2009-07-19T12:49:00.001-04:00

...or murderers.

Staying Grounded

2009-07-13T14:11:00.004-04:00

Wow...I did absolutely nothing this weekend. No shows, no work, no projects, no obligations. Only socializing and hanging out without the obligation of making other people look good to my own detriment. Must do this more often!

I ran out of coffee Saturday morning, but since I have a shipment of Gevalia that I forgot to bring home from work (that's where I have it sent, since UPS may not leave it at my home if I'm not there), I didn't want to buy a whole pound at the store.

So I did something I haven't done since 2002--went to a coffee house. There is a place that's just around the corner from my house that opened about two years ago, and I'd never been in it before. Can you imagine??

This may not sound so unusual, but I reflected on it this weekend, and I realized just how far towards the dark side that I've strayed. The old "1990s" me would never have allowed a coffee house to go unexplored, especially if it was that close and there were any cute hip guys visible through the windows (this was back when I had no self-awareness and didn't seem to notice that I was neither cute nor hip--oh, how some days I mourn my lost innocence and the getting of wisdom!).

As the years ensued, I realized it was more cost-effective to make my coffee at home, where I can still have a occasional cigarette with it if I want to, and not have to try keeping a straight face when I see the "laptoppers"--those wireless users who don't seem to have access or batteries at home, and only seem able to function in certain public places where literary agents might drop by for a cuppa and peek over their shoulders, marveling at what they've written and offering them a literary contract on the spot. A sort of "That Girl" fantasy for the 21st century. Back in the 1990s, we just read books or locally-produced magazines.

But today, I wanted real coffee, not the instant stuff I had in the cupboard for emergencies, so after I did my grocery shopping at the neighborhood produce market, I stopped in across the street at the cute little corner coffee house that I'd never visited before to get a large cup of strong coffee and a scone. I've never seen cute guys coming in or out of there, but it's always smelled nice the few times I've passed by, so I figured something good must be inside. And I was craving some good joe and a pastry, so in I went.

Oh, the memories that came flooding back to me as I walked in the door! The smell of strong coffee and cinnamon, the intelligent-faced barista in her knit cap and her biodegradable fabrics, the framed pieces by local artists hanging on the walls, the tip jar that they split equally among the artists, and of course, the ubiquitous hipsters on their laptops (the only two people seated in the small room both had one open and were pounding away. This place must have hella-great wireless reception).

As I walked home, with my canvas reusable shopping bags, holding my cup of takeout coffee in its biodegradable-made-of-recycled-materials cup, I beheld the weekend sights I'd so often missed, since I normally walk down Glenwood and not Greenview: the young man in his backwards baseball cap, teaching his puppy to fetch; the husband and wife pushing the designer stroller that carried their future-schoolteacher's-nightmare of an indulged infant; two new condo buildings going up across the street from one another (because apparently, the developers bought the land and got the permits before the housing market tanked, and will only be able to hope now that they can sell the units at cost to out-of-town lawyers who will no doubt rent it for a large monthly profit); the young GUPpies walking home from brunch in groups; the young artistic types with their frizzy hair, earth-tone tanktops and unlaced Chuck Jackson shoes with the tongues flopping out (as though the shoes can't stand their own odor and are gasping for breath), walking their dogs. Yes, of course, the social common denominator of urban hipness: dogs, dogs, dogs. (Because to be socially acceptable, you have to have a dog. People will not talk to you if you do not have a dog, because that must mean that you don't love dogs, and they've all been to see that mediocre movie "Must Love Dogs," and decided that it was more than a clunky chick flick that Diane Lane and John Cusack did because they needed the money--it was a mantra, a way of life.)

And I realized: if only I hadn't become such a bitter and spiteful old man, I could belong!! Yes, I, too, could number myself among these glitterati, the shiny happy people! All I need are an enormous dog that I can scarcely control and a disinterested boyfriend! And I've already had the latter...several times, even!

Hmmmmm...perhaps it's time to revive my dream of becoming "mainstream" again.

Oh, screw that. I'd have to watch "Project Runway." And my life is full enough of egocentric drama queens who can't hold it together. Do I really want to bite THAT capsule every week?

Instant coffee, anyone?

(All kidding aside, I will be back to visit the coffee house--they have good scones! I can always order them "to go.")

Maybe That Nun in Grade School Was Right--I Really AM The Most Evil Person on Earth. So Please Forgive Me For This...

2009-07-08T11:56:00.002-04:00

Pleeeeeaaasse God, Make it Stooooooooopppp!!!!

2009-07-07T15:16:00.001-04:00

I'll Bet You Thought I Was Dead!!

2009-07-03T13:58:00.002-04:00

Well, sorry to disappoint you...I assure you, though, there was a good reason for my absence from this screen.

Well, on reflection, it's probably not THAT great a reason, but I'm sticking with it because it works for me.

So, when I last talked to you all, I was headed to Milwaukee to open the first night's Pridefest show with The Joans on June 12. I left work at 3:00 and got on the road--the wrong road, as luck would have it. I started out fine on I-90/94 West, but somehow when I got up past Skokie, I made a wrong turn (or rather, I kept going straight when I should have taken a fork in the road) and ended up going north on US 41.

A regular highway.

With stoplights.

And construction.

I stayed on 41 and joined back up to I-94 when I got just past the Wisconsin border. Needless to say, however, my dreams of getting to the festival park by 5:30 were shot to hell.

I got there around 6:30, though, and after hearing the directions to the free parking the event organizers had provided us (which were at least 3/4 mile away), said "fuck it" and just paid $10 to park in the lot across from the backstage area. (Please--I live in Chicago. $10 parking is almost free for me!)

The reason I'm telling you all this is that it's really the most interesting part of the whole evening. The gig went fine, we had a huge crowd (who were all there to see Cyndi Lauper, but so what? We had them for 40 minutes to ourselves!), and there was no tornado chasing off the stage this year, like we had last year. But we didn't get to meet Cyndi, we couldn't even stay in the backstage area or even the back lot once we were finished, and I was damned if I was going to drag my cymbal bag, pedal bag, knapsack and garment bag out to the audience area where everyone could trip over them, and then pick them up and drag them back out to the car at close to midnight. Plus, it was already getting late (9:30) and I was going to Peoria the day after the next, and had stuff I wanted to do, so I drove back to Chicago.

So on Sunday (June 14), I went down to my Aunt Fay and Uncle Jim's to spend the week helping them put on their new roof. Monday was pretty good--not too hot or humid, and we got a lot of the old roof scraped off the back of the house.

Tuesday it rained, so we couldn't get anything done. Wednesday was the first day of The Mighty Inferno (the first day over 90 degrees that I think we've had all year--and it came just in time, didn't it?), but we got more old roof scraped off and tarpaper put down in preparation for the shingles, which arrived at about 4:30. We unloaded the pallets onto the roof. (85 bundles of shingles at 80 pounds each--you do the math. We were tired.)

The next morning at 5:00am, I woke to hear a steady drone on the roof, and realized it was raining. Damn, I thought. We won't be able to work this morning until it passes over. Then I became aware of frantic activity outside my door. I heard small snatches of conversation--just a word here and there. I could make out the words "Jim," "bucket's overflowing," and "fuck!" I went to get up, turned out the bedroom light, and saw water dripping into the room, onto the outlet where our cell phones were charging. Those were unplugged immediately and I went out to try to help.

We had every towel in the house mopping the floors, plus two of my dirty shirts that hadn't gone in the laundry yet. We also had every bucket, pan and kettle set out to catch the water that was coming in.

We didn't catch all of it, of course.

What had happened was that, even though we'd tacked down the tar paper over the seam in the roof, the storm was so strong that it had torn it loose and blown heavy rain underneath it, so it was essentially raining inside the house.

About 7:30, my uncle and I drove into Peoria to buy some big tarps and Menard's. When we got there, we saw that their emergency generator lights were on, and they had water on THEIR floor in the back, too! It really was a hell of a storm.

Friday was clear in the morning. It was my birthday, so I said a special prayer that we'd have clear weather all day long. We did have nice weather all through the morning, and got a lot more done until about 4:00, when the storm came again. (I figure that was God's way of saying, "You made it to 41, even with your lousy habits--don't push it, lush.") So we tarped up the roof and came down.

And watched the rain come in the house again.

We climbed back onto the roof to see what the deal was and realized that because of the way we'd laid the tarps, the rain was running underneath one of them and back into the unfinished part, which was right over the seam in the roof. But it was too late to worry about it, so we went back down and emptied the buckets and waited for it to stop.

Saturday was sunny and bright. We got old roof removed from the whole front of the house, and then I was off to my Dad's for our get-together with my other aunt, my cousin Tonya, my foster-cousin Lana and her two girls. We had a really nice time (and I DID get some video of that, which I will post sometime next week, along with the small bit of Milwaukee video I took--all backstage stuff), and I went back to Fay and Jim's about 6:30, where they had just wrapped up for the day. Shingles were on the front part of the house and it was looking nice!

Apparently, Jim fell while he was on the roof and sprained his ankle, so he couldn't move around too fast. Once he got up and moved for a few steps, he did a little better, but he wasn't going on the roof again THAT day! (Fortunately, he didn't break it. The ankle, I mean...)

The next day was Sunday, the day I had to come home. It's always depressing leaving my family to come back, even though I love Chicago (most of the time, anyway). I'm glad I only live 2 1/2 hours from them, so I can go back whenever I want or need to...

Well, we didn't get the roof all the way finished while I was there, but the bad part (scraping the old roof off) was done, and Jim says shingling is much easier and faster (and it's true--to do an entire portion of a roof only takes a little over an hour). The insurance adjustor came out that following Monday (the 22nd) to look at the water damage from the leaks, so those repairs should be covered.

And I was just glad I was able to go and help them. After all they did for my mom when I couldn't be there to do it, and just because they're great folks, I was glad to do it. It wasn't "restful," but it gave me peace of mind being there and away from the office for a week. Does that make sense?

After I got back, it was time to pack and move our offices to a new building a few blocks south. So I've spent the last few weeks in that drama, too, but we've been in the new space since Monday and it's REALLY NICE. We're on the 43rd floor, too, so we have a hella-great view. We're off today in observance of Independence Day (since it falls on a day when we don't have work).

So, anyway, now I'm back. Sorry there's no fake advice column today, but you'll understand what with packing, moving, and roofing, I haven't had time to think of mean things to say to stupid people who ask for stupid advice.

Next week, though.

OH, AND ONE MORE THING, BEFORE I FORGET:

Happy Belated Birthday to the ever-fabulous Debbie Harry, who turned 64 yesterday.

(I swiped the photo from David Cerda's/aka Davy Joans' Flickr page. I hope he'll understand.)

And by the way, if you're in Chicago, you have to go see POSEIDON! An Upside-Down Musical, which our theatre company, Hell in a Handbag Productions, is mounting again after its initial, fabulously successful 2002 run. I've seen it twice now (managing box office on Thursdays) and it's really a gas! (Love that new Mike Rogo...and Ed Jones as the dippy Nonnie is just a hoot.)

Unwanted Advice Temporarily on Hiatus

2009-06-12T12:05:00.003-04:00

Since I'll be in Milwaukee tonight with The Joans, opening for Cyndi Lauper at the Pridefest show, and I'll be in Peoria next week, helping my uncle put on his new roof. Have a great few weeks! I'll see you again when I get back...

Geez, You Murder Just ONE Abortion Doctor...

2009-06-07T16:15:00.002-04:00

Scott Roeder, the 51-year-old man who "allegedly" shot Dr. George Tiller, an abortion doctor from a Wichita clinic, is unhappy with his current accommodations, and warns that as long as abortion is legal, more violence can be expected.

Watch us all quiver. Well, who WOULDN'T be afraid of a middle-aged crybaby who complains that his cell is too cold, he can't use the phone and he has no access to his sleep apnea machine?

Here's a news flash for you, you gibbering bag of shit: you're a MURDERER ("allegedly" or not--your sly way of not answering any questions smacks of Yolanda Saldizar, that whacko bitch who shot Selena, and everyone could tell she was guilty). Whether you like the law or not, it is a LAW, and that makes you an OUTLAW. And here's a little social studies lesson: in our current post-9/11 culture, being an outlaw does not make you a folk hero, but rather a nuisance.

As a(n "alleged") murderer, you have forfeited your rights to the small creature comforts that the rest of us take for granted. So your room's cold and sheets are rough. Hard cheese. But cheer up: you'll still get free meals and and room and board. You'll be doing better than many law-abiding, tax-paying citizens who suddenly found themselves homeless. As long as you don't mind doing a little laundry, making a few license plates, or giving blow jobs when you can't afford to buy cigarettes to give away, why, you have the world on a platter.

As far as the absence of your CPAP machine, you'll just have to improvise: just shove something into your mouth to keep the airway open. I'm sure you have a bunkmate who'd be only too happy to oblige...

Unwanted Advice - June 5, 2009

2009-06-05T13:26:00.002-04:00

DEAR AMY: Unbeknownst to us, our 23-year-old daughter ran up a large credit card debt in her last year of college, which she attended on an athletic scholarship.

Perhaps to take advantage of some graduation gifts involving travel, she told us she had graduated from college. She had not. She then asked to move back home, and we said yes, on the condition that she get a job and contribute her share of the expenses.She stayed for seven months, making no visible effort to find work, meanwhile going out to clubs at night and even spending a weekend in Vegas.

Still, no diploma.

Announcing that she had a job as a professional athlete in Europe, she went abroad and almost immediately asked us to wire her money as an emergency, because her contract was "delayed."
After two months of this, we decided not to send any more money, because we were contributing to a situation that left us feeling hurt and used. We are close to retirement and need to save our money.

In spite of our help with some payments, she has made no effort to pay off her debts, which have accrued penalties and been turned over to collection agencies that call us almost daily.

We have not heard from our daughter since, but I expect that one day she will surface again, wanting to move home to "get back on her feet."

How do we say no?

-- WONDERING

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Quickly and concisely. An announcement on your answering machine would be a good idea.

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who has been with my partner for 31 years. I have a female friend, "Josie," whom I have known for years. She holds an executive position in the local bank and must attend many fund-raisers. I have been her escort to many of them. Josie knows and likes my partner, and he has never had a problem with my going to these social events with her.

Recently Josie became engaged, and she is now married. I was invited to the wedding, but my partner was not included on the invitation. I chose not to attend because of it. I have not heard from her since. It has been almost four months.

Josie's husband is a retired military man. I suspect she would rather not let him know about having a gay male couple as friends. Should I confront her or just end the friendship?

-- DON'T ASK OR TELL IN ALBUQUERQUE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I would just let it drop, but consider the friendship ended. Don’t you find it a little galling that she saw fit to use you as arm candy for decades, knowing all the while that you had a partner at home? Then, when she no longer needed that service, she issued a half-assed wedding invitation that excluded your significant other?? Boy, that puts the “hag” back in “fag hag.”

It also shows that she clearly doesn’t understand what “partnership” is all about, so I hope G.I. Joe knows what he’s in for.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have one relative and one dear friend who each insist on knowing where I was or what I was doing when I fail to answer their telephone calls, whether it be at home or on my cellular device. Often times I am simply trying to complete a task, such as balancing my checkbook or checking out at the grocery store, before engaging in a telephone conversation.

Sometimes I simply do not wish to share my personal information and am looking for a polite response that does not accommodate their need to know every detail about my life.

The dear friend is a bit pushier than my relative and will try to goad me into giving her the information as to my whereabouts when I missed her call. I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don't think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day, if I am simply unavailable once in awhile.

Please help me with a polite way to let them know that not all of my business is their business.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

If “none of your goddamned business” seems too harsh, I urge you to re-read the following phrase from your own letter: “I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don't think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day.”

Bingo! There’s your answer, verbatim.

And don’t worry about offending your “dear friend”—if she’s so “dear,” you owe her the encouragement to get her own life and spend less time worrying about yours.

DEAR ELLIE: My mother-in-law is very critical of me and doesn't see it. She says I'm overly sensitive. We haven't spoken since November. On more than one occasion she's referred to me as "just the daughter-in-law." My husband (we're married four years) takes our son there to visit, but I fear as he gets older things may only get worse. We need a solution now.

We've tried talking to her twice, and once without me there, but no luck. She refused to take responsibility for her hurtful actions.

--DESPERATE IN-LAW

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Actually, you’ve solved half the problem by not talking to her since November. There’s nothing more you can do except withhold the grandchild. It sounds drastic and spiteful, perhaps, but what kid wants to hear his mother run down by his grandmother? It starts to show the kid just what a rotten person she really is—very disillusioning for a child.

Tell your husband that since she refuses to change, and you don’t want your kid exposed to that sort of toxicity, the visits will cease. She will most likely tell the world that her “awful” daughter-in-law is keeping her grandchild away, but the world will know that’s your prerogative. Besides, if she’s like that with you, she’s most likely that way with other people too, so she’s unlikely to gain much sympathy.

If Marshmallow Tits* confronts you about it, tell her that it’s for her own good as well as the child’s: does she want her grandson to end up hating her?

*Try calling her that and see if she gets upset. Then you can tell her SHE’S “overly sensitive.”

DEAR MARGO: I have somewhat of a potbelly that makes me look like I’m about three months pregnant. I’m not pregnant, never have been and never will be (at least not for a few years anyway). Some people, mostly family, keep asking if I am pregnant. It’s embarrassing and annoying. While I’m not always happy with my figure, I’m comfortable enough with it. Is there anything I can do to stop getting asked this?

— ABSOLUTELY NOT PREGNANT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Say, “No, I’m not. Are you?”

Who Asked for My Advice?? I Give Freely...

2009-05-29T10:21:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: My mother is a wonderful person but is one of the world's worst cooks. She'll see a recipe that looks tasty, but if she doesn't have all the ingredients, she will make substitutions. If the recipe calls for uncooked shrimp, she might replace it with canned tuna. If she doesn't have bleu cheese on hand, she will use imitation cheese spread instead.

I have tried to offer her a few important guidelines. First and foremost, be sure to have all the necessary ingredients on hand before beginning to prepare a new recipe. Understand the basic techniques -- dice, shred, simmer, stir-fry. Use the recommended cooking temperatures. If the recipe says "saute," do not fry it until it's like shoe leather. Follow the proper cooking time. Fish should not be baked for 90 minutes!

Mom may not appreciate the suggestion of cooking classes, and I know about your cookbooklets. I wonder if they are simple enough for Mom to follow. What do you think?

-- DYSPEPSIA IN DENVER

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I think you should stop bitching and cook for yourself. (Hey, you asked.)

DEAR MARGO: I am a 40-year-old college-educated business owner, wife and mother of two young boys. My mother and father live a half-hour away. I used to call once a week. If I let more than a week go by, I would get a sour greeting from my mother, such as, "Oh, about time you called," and the conversation would go downhill from there. This would get me mad, as I did not call to be scolded.

As the years went by, my phone calls became less frequent. In 10 years (I’m not exaggerating), my mother has called me maybe five times. She just expects me to call her. Why would someone act that way?

— FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER IN ARIZONA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Because she can. As that stupid beer commercial once said, “Why ask why?” Some people just expect Mohammed to come to the mountain, so to speak, no matter the circumstances. Also, your mother sounds like the kind of person who doesn’t want to put much work into a relationship, but just expects that it will always continue on someone else’s impetus.

Next time you call, and she blows you shit about waiting too long between calls, tell her you can wait a whole lot longer before the next one. Then hang up and show her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two questions which rarely arise these days, and my own efforts to find any guidance at all have proven fruitless. I adore gloves, and have several pairs of various types, colors, materials and lengths.

First, at what age are crocheted net gloves no longer appropriate? I have a lovely pair, but I suspect the time has come to pass them on to one of my nieces.

Second, when one wears full dress (such as a dinner dress or ball gown) with full-length sleeves (to or even beyond the wrist), what length gloves should be worn? Or is this one of the few occasions when no gloves are appropriate?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

There’s a reason these questions rarely arise. And you are the reason.

DEAR ELLIE: I’m 14; my mother embarrasses me every evening when telemarketers call. She yells something nasty or hangs up when they’re still talking.

- RUDE MOM

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

At first I wondered what planet you were on. Then I reminded myself that you’re 14—the age where everything’s about you. Otherwise, I couldn’t imagine why you’d be embarrassed by something that had nothing to do with you. It’s not like your mother says to them, “My 14-year-old is sitting here smiling and nodding while I curse at you. We live at 524 Meadowlark Lane.” How would they know you exist?

Having been a telemarketer myself years ago, I can tell you that your mother is not going to be the first or last person to abuse and hang up on them, and they’re not going to consider your household unique or special in its vulgarity. So don’t get your little panties bunched.

DEAR AMY: I am a woman in my 70s, although I'm told I don't look it.

I have a very negative reaction to being greeted as "young lady."

I feel it is patronizing and demeaning and makes me want to whack the person who says it.

I'm not the only one of my friends who feels this way.

I have asked a couple of people not to call me that, and they have replied that they thought it was flattering.

Not so!

What do you think?

-- JENNY

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Well, you must admit, “young lady” is certainly more polite than “pruny old battleaxe.”

However, I agree that people who greet other people as “young lady” and “young man” are beyond patronizing—they’re almost belittling. And there’s nothing more insulting than being huffed at that “they were only trying to flatter you”—as if, on top of being annoyed by the address, you’re now supposed to feel guilty about throwing their “gift” back in their faces.

Next time they say, “I thought it was flattering,” say, “When did sarcasm become flattering, pencil-dick?” Failing that, if you don’t like being compared to a young lady, you might want to change your name to Ethel—"Jenny" just isn’t an old lady name.

"Serious Concerns"

2009-05-27T14:14:00.002-04:00

Sen. Jeff Sessions, a conservative from Alabama, says he has "serious concerns" about the judicial philosophy of Sonia Sotomayor, the recently-announced Supreme Court nominee.

Really? Well, that's what we commonly refer to as "tough shit." The rest of us had "concerns" about John Roberts back in 2005, but President Bush and his band of jug-slurping conservative cronies shoved him in there anyway. After eight years of hijacking both sides of Congress, the conservatives are now complaining about the same treatment.

Sucks when the shoe's on the other foot, doesn't it, Jeff? Well, you'll just have to suck it up, because that's the Chief Executive's prerogative: to appoint members to the Supreme Court that suit his beliefs and philosophy. Just as the Bush and his father had a penchant for conservative minority yes-men, Obama has a penchant for people with humble roots who can rise from unlikely beginnings through sheer intelligence and hard work to achieve great things. Those are the people we're going to need during times of progress. (They'll help balance out dinosaurs like Scalia.)

She will have to be confirmed by you men and women of the Senate, but I foresee little difficulty there, as the Democrats kinda, sorta, CONTROL it now. (And didn't you just lose Arlen Specter a few weeks ago? Ouch, Jeff!)

Well, take heart: as one who has lived through unpalatable federal appointments several times, I can attest that you will, likewise, live through this.

And if you don't? So what?

Bad Pennies

2009-05-26T13:59:00.002-04:00

This weekend, The Joans played a private event for an international gay sports group, held at an elegant venue downtown.

The audience, who were almost exclusively gay men--rather inebriated ones--really enjoyed the show and loved the way Jennifer and David played off of them. (Jennifer understands that "little bitch" might be an insult in most circles, but when spoken to a gay man in public, it's equal to a blessing from the Gay Pope, if such a thing existed.) David got off a good one-liner about having something in common with the the players: "We both love balls."

I fucked up a few times, since I moved my mic stand too close and inhibited my range of motion, but nobody seemed to notice (did I mention that they were very inebriated?). Besides almost getting locked into the loading dock for almost a half hour, calling security to open the door three times, nearly missing sound check because of it, and getting our bags searched like criminals on the way out (because we had to use the Associate's Entrance, and they have better security than an airport), we had a good time.

It was what happened before the show that twisted my insides.

A few years ago, I wrote about a chance street meeting with my first ex-boyfriend, "Dagwood (not his real name, although it would fit). In a two-part blog entry at the time, I described the entirety of our relationship, which, although it essentially lasted no more than three months, loomed large in my life ever after (since our acquaintance continued for two more years, and also because the initial experience has made me afraid to ever try a relationship again, hence my bitter bachelorhood).

At the time, I never heard back from him, so I assumed that it was a one-off encounter and perhaps he'd moved away from the area again.

But fate is a cruel and dessicated bitch.

Sunday started off nicely. I had a nice big breakfast and started laying out my clothes, doing last-minute ironing as needed. I picked up my drums at Taylor's and headed down to Lincoln Park to pick up Jennifer. We got to the venue right around 6:00PM and called our event contact, who was going to send a security officer down to open the loading dock door. I put my hazard blinkers on and Jen and I got out of the car to stretch our legs and wait.

I heard my named called. "Oh," I thought to myself, "are Taylor and Steve here already?" I turned around. It was not either Taylor OR Steve.

It was Dagwood.

At first, after my asshole unpuckered itself, I felt a little confused. That lasted about half a second. Then I remembered that Dagwood had, in fact, worked at this place when we were together (although I'd thought he had left there at some point). So of course, it would make sense that he would be there. If he worked there. Sadly, I did not know this beforehand, so I could not take the precaution of disguising myself--say, by donning a fake moustache or perhaps disfiguring myself with acid.

His shift was over and he was waiting for a co-worker and they were going to dinner down the street. So there I was, a duck in a gallery. Right out in the open on a brisk early evening in downtown Chicago. Wearing a white undershirt that made it amply clear just how brisk it was.

The thing that bothered me the most was that this time, another person (Jennifer) would be subjected to him. My history with him had previously been something I kept as a sort of shameful secret, like nail fungus or a past as a Mouseketeer. I introduced the two (actually, I was kind of a daze--Jen may have had to introduce herself) and she and Dagwood chatted. As our encounter entered what must have been minute five, my mind flashed over the several chance encounters I'd had with Dagwood over the years since our breakup. And they all had one thing in common: subsequent digestive upset.

Finally, after he was done pumping us for details about our gig, regaling us with tales of his current activities, and trying to impress Jennifer by dropping names, and I had drawn blood from the palms of my hands from digging in my nails, his co-worker emerged from the building and, their shifts over, they walked down the street to the restaurant they'd selected. As they walked away, I had a sense of deja vu--I remembered a time I would have longed to be part of their group and feel his approval. (Was I ever that stupid? Apparently. Jesus.) This time, I watched him leave with an enormous sense of relief, rather like the one we feel when a Jehovah's Witness has stopped banging on the door and moved to the next house and we can safely emerge from behind the couch.

By this time, Jennifer knew who he was (we'd had a murmured conversation when he'd stepped away for a moment earlier) and after he was safely out of earshot, she turned to me and said:

"I hate that creep."

That's why I love Jennifer. It took her five minutes to figure out what it took me two years to learn.

The NERVE of Some People! (Unwanted Advice, May 22, 2009)

2009-05-22T09:55:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: It's traditional in my family to celebrate birthdays with other family members. This may seem trivial, but I have an issue with the cake. Ever since I was a child, my mom has made a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting for my birthday. The problem is, I don't like chocolate!

I have told this to Mom since I was a kid, but my comments seem to have been forgotten by the time the next birthday rolls around. Now that I'm older, I'm wondering if it's better to be gracious about it and just let it go. I never eat any of it and haven't in more than a decade, but nobody seems to notice.

I find it somewhat annoying to be served a birthday cake I don't even like. I try to put in perspective that it's a gift and I should be gracious for receiving it -- but it gets old. Any suggestions?

-- VANILLA FELLA, COLUMBIA, MO.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yeah—stop whining, you spoiled little bastard. "Trivial" doesn't begin to describe you. If you still have a living mother who’s willing to bake you a birthday cake every year, you just go ahead and eat it—I don’t care if it’s manure-flavored! Do you understand me??!! And you better smile while you’re doing it!

Lots of us would gladly give our testicles for one more second eating saltines with our mothers. You have it easy, fuckface.

DEAR ELLIE: I need a good shake, because I can see what I should do, but am incapable of doing it.

I’ve been married to a good man for several years. We have our issues, but care very much for each other. He’s been very willing to attend couples counseling, and take professional advice. But I’ve been in love with another man for a year. He’s a friend who moved far away six months ago, though we’re constantly in touch. I can’t seem to get over my feelings for him, though I know I should cut contact and concentrate on my marriage.

My husband and I tried a separation for several months, to get our heads clear, but it hasn’t helped me - I want to feel more than just obligated to him. And I want not to be in love with my friend, who knows about my feelings. He doesn’t discourage them, but he’s not inviting me to where he is either.
What should I do?

-- TORN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Try slapping yourself, since shaking didn’t seem to work. If you know what you need to do, then just do it and stop fluttering around like a divan-collapsing diva. If your husband is such a good man, he deserves at least the effort of fixing the relationship. And quit contacting this “friend”—by “not discouraging you, yet not inviting you,” he’s playing a coy little game stringing you along. That doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me, and you shouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for it.

If you and your husband find during the course of your counseling that your marriage can’t work, well then, he can at least be free to find someone else himself. (The drama isn’t all just about you, Erica Kane.)

DEAR MARGO: I have been divorced from my first husband, "Lionel," for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic who (thankfully) skipped the state eight years ago to avoid paying child support for our children, "Eloise," now 21, and "Laura," 18. At last count, Lionel owes more than $60,000 in back child support and only recently re-established contact with the girls. Laura is graduating high school this year and asked her father to attend the ceremony. He said he couldn’t because he didn’t want to drive 500 miles over Memorial Day weekend, but that he would attend her celebration party three weeks later.

My current husband is furious. He’s been a big part of the girls’ lives for 10 years, and together we’ve raised two healthy, well-adjusted young ladies. He absolutely doesn’t want Lionel at the party, and frankly, neither do I — he’s extremely rude, obnoxious and inappropriate even while sober. We didn’t have any objections to her father attending the ceremony, but he is not welcome in our home. I have told him he is not to attend the party, but he states he’s going to do what he wants. If he shows up, my husband would like to have him arrested, since he has several outstanding warrants in our state. That would only hurt Laura. I’d like to try to keep the peace and encourage Lionel to leave quickly, but my normally easygoing husband is being stubborn. We’re arguing about this lout every day, and I’m at a loss on how to handle this situation.

— STRESSED OUT IN A SMALL TOWN

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Conventional wisdom would be to grit your teeth and put up with this skidmark just for one night for your daughter’s sake.

Fuck that. I’m with the husband on this one. You need to cut out this putrid passivity—it’s your house, and you’ve made it amply clear that “Lionel” is not welcome. Furthermore, if he’s got arrest warrants out for him, that takes the pressure off of you, because it’s actually illegal for him to be there in a way, so you need make no excuses.

Don’t worry about disappointing your daughter—she’d be much more hurt if he showed up and embarrassed her, and I’m sure she realizes that. Tell him one more time he’s not to come to your house, and if he shows up, you will call The Fuzz to have him carted away. Let’s see if he’s so cocky then.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked to give a toast at a military dinner party but I do not like or respect the person I am supposed to toast. As the commander of the host group, I am expected to make the toast. I do not feel right about proposing a toast that I do not agree with, but at the same time I feel it would be rude to ask someone else to make the toast. I am at a loss for what I should do. I feel like I am being rude no matter what I do. Should I not make the toast, or should I make the toast and not drink to it, or should I simply ignore my personal feelings and make the toast and deal with it?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

The last one. (Seriously, you’ve been in the military HOW long and you didn’t already know that?)

Peter Pan, Naughty Pictures, and Hot Tea: Unwanted Advice (5/18/09)

2009-05-18T13:06:00.002-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: Our son, 30, has never finished any courses he started, works only part time and relies on a modest legacy from his grandmother. His current therapist has told him to distance from us completely, without anyone caring how hurt we feel.

--HEARTSICK MOM

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

It sounds like your son needs to seriously grow up and learn how to follow through. Did you ever encourage him to do that? My guess is not, and it might have turned him into the spoiled little daisy that he is. Most likely, that’s what his therapist is trying to fix, and by distancing from his parents, he’s learning to rely on himself (and the shrink, of course—gotta keep that dependent relationship goin’ so those checks keep floatin’ in!). It’s not forever, just until he learns to pull his shit together.

So quit feeling sorry for yourself and think in terms of your son’s future well-being. (If it makes you feel better, I have to agree that therapists often cause as much peripheral emotional damage as they can to the families of their patients during their “cures.” Maybe that’s their way of trying to drum up more business.)

DEAR MARGO: Is looking at naughty videos on the Internet cheating? I recently caught my boyfriend viewing videos of women on a well-known user-posted video site. These were not pornographic, just scantily clad females performing stripteases, etc. I was very hurt and upset, but he promised he will not do this again, and I believe him. I forgave him and we’re going on with our relationship, but I’m torn about the situation because I know that men are going to look at other women, even when they’re in a relationship, and that it can be "just looking."

The fact that he was actively searching for other women to view, however, bothers me still. Other than this incident, he’s never given me any reason to doubt that he loves me. (And we have an incredibly good sex life.)

—DISTRESSED IN TENNESSEE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, looking at naughty videos on the Internet is not cheating. It’s cheating if he starts talking dirty in a chatroom with a buxom 20-year-old named Brandy (even then, the joke will be on him, because that will almost certainly turn out to be a 54-year-old man), but looking at pictures is just looking at pictures. If there’s no sex involved, you need to stop worrying about it.

One more thing: if you truly believe that he won’t do this again, I have some land I’d like to sell you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to serve hot tea in a business meeting? Yes, I sometimes feel more like a waitress than an executive assistant, not that there is a thing in the world wrong with being a waitress. I just don’t feel qualified for that position.

Do I dunk the tea bag and dispose of it before I serve our guest(s)? Do I place the unopened tea bag on the saucer next to the cup of hot water for our guest(s) to open and dunk themselves? Do I place the opened tea bag in the cup of hot water and serve it to our guest, making sure I’ve provided a saucer upon which to dispose of the tea bag? I understand this may be a very unworthy question.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Pour the hot water in their lap and let them dunk their own bag. They’ll never ask you to serve it again.

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have known couples who have elected not to have children. It seems that these couples always replace the children in their lives with a very pleasant lifestyle that includes frequent vacations, nice clothes, fine cars, above-average homes, season tickets to sporting events, plays, concerts.

All to replace the emptiness of an empty nest. This all smacks of the '60s hippie culture through the '70s "me generation."

-- NOT BUYING IT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I’m glad you’re “not buying it,” because we’re “not selling it.” In fact, nobody gives a shit what you think—whether or not people choose to have children is absolutely none of your fucking business. (For your information, it’s not like we’re going to run out of kids anytime soon.)

I’ll tell you one more thing, Mother Goose: I’ll take the emptiness of my “empty nest” over the squalor and shitty diapers that fill yours any day.

Have fun, Mama Bird!

Ever Wonder What Happens When Two Fools Collide?

2009-05-14T16:22:00.001-04:00

Well, wonder no more.

You Can't Pick Your Relatives Or Your In-Laws: Unwanted Advice (5/8/09)

2009-05-08T12:23:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: Most of my extended family are pleasant and enjoy each other's company when we meet at family gatherings several times a year. But three of them (all from the same side of the family) are just plain rude. Every event becomes an uncomfortable exercise in bracing oneself for the verbal attacks that come from these critical, judgmental people.

We have tried talking about it, but hear the same refrains -- "I'm not changing," "Accept me as I am," and, "You have no choice but to put up with me because we are family!"

I am a younger member of this family who occasionally spends holidays with friends or traveling. When I do, I am severely chastised by these three relatives, who say I have "no right" to skip family gatherings. If they were nicer people, I would want to spend more time with them.

I want to do the right thing, but what do people who have the same ancestry "owe" each other when there is no connection of friendship or goodwill?

-- RELATED IN NAME ONLY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Absolutely nothing.

The world has changed and people no longer put up with each other "just because they’re family”—people have access to cars and inexpensive airfare now so they can go where they want. They don’t feel obligated to suffer through gatherings of dusty, fusty, musty useless interconnected DNA. These three trolls feel threatened by that (with good reason), so they make things worse for themselves by trying to shame their relatives into accepting them (because who can resist a dose of guilt when it’s doled out by a rotten personality?). Pitiful.

The fact that these people are defiantly and proudly unpleasant should be reason enough for the hosts to stop inviting them. I hope that when you’re older and can host some gatherings of your own, you will bear that in mind.

Furthermore, you’re obviously an adult (though a young one), so they have no business correcting your behavior. Tell them to shove it up their asses.

DEAR ELLIE: My husband's family is ruining our marriage. They call repeatedly if you don't pick up. They'll leave a message that there's an emergency just to get his attention. We have a baby, 3 months, and I allow them to visit at least once a week.
Recently my mother-in-law wanted to visit on my birthday; I said I'd call her in the morning, and she could drop by. She knew I had plans to spend the day with my mother. I left three messages, didn't get a reply, so went on with my day with my mother. She called repeatedly and also got her daughter to call.

I said she could come the next day to visit, as we were going to have dinner soon and celebrate as a family (me, my husband and our two kids). She said, "I'd rather come right now." She's completely self-centered.

My father-in-law has all his mail coming to our home and gave out our home number for business. My husband gets angry with them but eventually gives in and it all starts happening again. I don't want it to ruin my marriage, as I love my husband too much.

-WIT’S END

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Your in-laws are insane. The fact is, however, they’re your husband’s parents, and he’s the one who needs to set them straight. He needs to tell them not to leave “cry-wolf” messages on your machine, or you’ll start ignoring all of them, even if there’s a real emergency.

Then, you visit the post office and have their mail rerouted back to them—there’s no reason their mail should be coming to your house unless they live in a refrigerator box. Ditto for their business calls to your phone. What kind of bullshit is that?!

You need to make clear to your husband that their behavior affects you too. If he wants to stay a family, he needs to do more than “get angry”—he needs to let his sac drop and tell his parents they need to back off. Maybe you should try just not answering the phone during certain hours of the day and telling them that they can only visit certain times. If they insist on showing up anyway, guess what—you’re not home to them. Make some popcorn and sit in the basement.

DEAR MARGO: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. Seven years ago I was blessed, after many miscarriages, to have a son. My husband has three adult children from a previous marriage. The problem is, he has completely destroyed his relationship with two of his children and is on the way to obliterating his relationship with our 7-year-old. My husband believes that total humiliation is the best way to deal with children. He gets in our son’s face and screams at him about how worthless and stupid he is. I want to step in, but that causes a whole bunch of other problems.

Because of his actions we have a grandchild we never get to see, which, of course, has the ex-wife gloating. I hate to see my son be humiliated on a daily basis, and trust me, nothing is ever good enough or done correctly. I don’t know what to do.

--DISTRAUGHT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

If you really don’t know what to do, then you’re probably way too stupid to read this. There is no mystery here as to “what to do”—you dump the son of a bitch and file for sole custody.

You’re pretty vague as to the “whole bunch of other problems” that occur when you step in (or want to, or try to, or wiffle-waffle-woo), but those problems be damned, you are responsible for the well-being of your child first and foremost. Your husband should be concerned with that, too, and if he’s not, then he should be restricted to supervised visits.

If he’s fucked up his relationship with two kids already and doesn’t see the problem, somebody should have snipped his deferens long ago.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Purchasing items at stores isn't a simple transaction anymore. Upon handing the sales clerk my money (be it cash, debit or credit card), I find I am being asked more and more often for my phone number, e-mail address, etc. Even if I have chosen to sign up for that particular store's rewards program or allowed to be put on their e-mail notification list, I am still asked for my personal information at the sales desk.

What happened with simply paying for my purchase and being on my merry way? How may I respond in a tactful way that I do not wish to broadcast that information and just want to pay for my purchase?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

If you’re paying cash, you are under no obligation to give them the “verification” (i.e., personal) information that would be necessary in a debit or credit card purchase. And it’s really the only instance that they can’t claim a right to this information.

You can simply say “no thanks” to any rewards program/e-mail newsletter/supercalifragilisticexpialadocius sales event, etc. If they ask again, just smile bigger (even if your cheeks ache and you end up looking like that creepy chauffeur in “Burnt Offerings”), grab your purchases (once you’re done paying, of course) and say, “No thanks, we’re done now.”

DEAR AMY: I have been happily divorced for more than 20 years.

My former husband quit his job, his marriage and all responsibility for his children.

I was able, on my own, to put my kids through college with no child support. He didn't even visit the children for a number of years (he moved to another state), nor did he attend high school or college graduations.

Now that my ex is "retired," he has moved back to the area.

I have no respect for this man. I do not like him, but one of my married sons has welcomed him back with wide-open arms.

He and his wife say that my ex-husband should be included in family celebrations.

I do not wish to associate with my ex and do not feel that I should be guilt-tripped into hosting him at my home.

At my granddaughter's softball games, my ex will move from his seat to sit next to me. I do not like this.

My son's wife thinks that it is wonderful for the "family" to be all together again.

I have been cordial. If they want him in their lives, that's fine but I shouldn't have to deal with him.

I have tried to explain my feelings but they don't "get it."

What to do?

--TIRED OF SMILING

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Stop smiling and don’t try to explain this to your kids anymore. If they don’t “get it” by now, they’re never going to. Just tell them once more that this guy is not welcome in your house, and that some day when a spouse fucks them over and abandons them, they’ll understand why you’re justified in your attitude. They have a right to include him at gatherings in their own homes, but you have a right to keep your distance from him. You should not be criticized for this, and if the Brady Bunch starts giving you a hard time, tell them to stuff a jockstrap in it.

And the next time the ex tries to park it next to you at the softball game, tell him to get his ass back to his own seat or you’ll give him a fast and free trip down the bleachers. Head first.

Toxic Friends and Granny-cicles-Unwanted Advice (5/1/09)

2009-05-01T10:57:00.001-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: A few years ago my friend began to bug me by making fun of how I do things. Then she compared things we have, hinting her house is cleaner, more organized etc. I don't feel like I'm her friend anymore, so I started to avoid her. She's fine in small doses, but annoying for more than an hour. I dislike her other friends; she and they act over the top.

She caught on that I never go with her anywhere, and now she's sulking. We've had such a long history together that I don't know how to tell her. I've tried, but she batted it away with sentimental words and I lost my nerve. I pride myself on loyalty to my friends, but I'm done with her. What should I do?

--ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Sulking on top of gloating? Wow, how can you tear yourself away from such a prize friend?

I don’t see what the problem is. Just say, “Gee Jane, I’d love to hang around with you more, but you’re a real bitch now. And so are your other friends. Been real. See ya!”

As far as the “sentimental words,” get over ‘em. They are a commonly-used tool with fall-away friends: they try to keep you on the leash with old feelings because they can’t be bothered to spend any real time nurturing new ones. Lose her.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died while I was out of the country on a two-week vacation. My dad left when I was in second grade, and she raised me along with my mother. We were very close. I always took care of her and made time to spend with her.

Although she had been in poor health for two years, Grandma was not in critical condition when I left. She passed away three days before I was to return, and my family held her funeral the day before I arrived.

I had expressed my wishes that they wait if at all possible. They did not, and I feel betrayed. We have always been close, and now I am so hurt and angry that I don't even want to see them. Can you offer any advice?

-- CRUSHED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yes. Pull the stick out of your ass, dearie. When you heard that your grandmother had passed away, you should have made arrangements to IMMEDIATELY return home—THAT day—not ride your vacation out to its conclusion. That’s what we call an “emergency,” and I’m sure you could have found a plane to take you back that day.

Did you really expect the family to keep her in the freezer until you got home??

This probably sounds harsh, and I know you’re grieving right now, but your family is grieving, too, and they don’t need the extra drama. Save it for CBS—I hear “Guiding Light” is going off the air soon, and they can use it to plug the gap. Anyway, you’re going to need each other to get through this. Don’t shit where you eat.

DEAR AMY: I am 81, and my wife is 74 years old. We have been married for 29 years. This is our second marriage.

We own a home, and I maintain the house inside and outside. My wife does not do any housework or even clean her own bathroom or office.

She cooks me three suppers per week.

We have separate bank accounts and file separate income taxes.

For the last three years my wife has been baby-sitting for her son Thursday to Saturday.

This group has gone on three vacations each of the last three years. I was not invited.

My wife does not telephone me when she is baby-sitting or on vacation.

This year they went on three skiing vacations, and I was not told where they were staying.

Simple math indicates I only see or have contact with my wife two-thirds of the year.

I would appreciate your comments.

—UPSET

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

You’ve been married for 29 years and you’re complaining now? (And with a poem, no less?)

My only comment is that you should be thankful she’s not around much, because she doesn’t sound like someone worth spending all that much time with.

Clearly, you’re just a meal ticket to her. I don’t know how you can change that at this late date. But you should definitely quit cleaning her bathroom. If she refuses to take turns cleaning, the least she deserves is to shave her legs in squalor.

DEAR MARGO: I am a man in my mid-50s, happily married, with two college-age daughters. Some months ago I was traveling in an area where a woman who was once a big part of my life lives. She sent me a "Dear John" letter many years ago saying she was getting married, invited me to the wedding, and said he was a lot like me. I was devastated, but got on with my life. After my trip I sent her an innocuous birthday card. About a month later I wrote a letter saying I had been in her area, thought of calling, but held back. I explained that I was hurt by what happened, still had feelings for her, and told her a little of my life. I have been overcome with thoughts and feelings about her. Well, a week later I got a stinging certified letter. "Do not contact me! I made my choice years ago, and I have not looked back. I am VERY happy and married to a man I love. Don’t call, contact, etc. I am VERY HAPPY with my life!!!"

I was devastated all over again. Was I wrong to contact her? Obviously, I will not do that again, but I am really into healing wounds and leaving things in a good place. Her hysterical reaction made me wonder if she is OK.

—MR. G. IN TEXAS

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Really? It made me wonder what you saw in her to begin with. She dumped you many years ago and paid you the additional insult of telling you that Schmuck #2 (assuming you were even #1) was “a lot like you.” In other words, everything about you was OK except that you were, you know, you.

You probably freaked her out by telling her you still had feelings for her (bad move and incomprehensible, frankly), but sending such a vehement letter in response (certified, no less) is over the top. Don’t be devastated, be relieved--they don’t call them “lucky escapes” for nothing. It may have been “her choice,” but it was your good fortune. Whether or not she’s happy (or even VERY HAPPY), is not your problem—she made her bed and she can lie it.

Frigid Partners and "Family" Photos--Unwanted Advice (4/24/09)

2009-04-24T10:10:00.002-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: I recently started a relationship with a man 10 years older than me, which doesn't bother him or his parents, but for some reason his sister doesn't like me. She started a rumor at our favorite bar that I'm trying to get pregnant and trap her brother into marriage. Now no one will talk to me there.

I've tried to be nice to her, but she's been mean and nasty; she also keeps calling me a baby or too young. I'm 23 and she's 32. Do I have her brother talk to her or do I do it myself?

--NOT SURE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Who gives a shit? Since you’ve got a man now, you don’t need to trawl around in the same bar as this sad sack, so let her have the place to herself while she badmouths you. Eventually, people will get tired of listening to her, and either tune out or play the jukebox. And if they don't, so what? Nobody believes a bunch of drunks anyway.

DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Helene," refuses to speak to me for days or even weeks. When I try to find out why or talk to her, she ignores me. She has moved into another bedroom, which has become her own little domain. She refuses to have sex or even watch TV with me.

I have no reason to believe Helene is cheating, and I am certainly not cheating on her. We are raising my son from a previous marriage, and sometimes I wonder if this is what is bugging her.

My ex-wife lives in another state, and we communicate only once in a while. My boy is a pre-teen, and Helene and I have had him since he was a baby. He considers her his "Mama," and she considers him her son.

I am very much in love with my wife, and I can't figure this out. Can people just fall out of love?

--FREEZING IN SOUTH CAROLINA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yes, and I recommend that you do so immediately. I don’t know what bug has crawled up her ass, but I doubt it’s your son—he’s lived there for so many years that if that were the issue, it would have been raised before now.

If she refuses to discuss it with you, there’s no reason why you should put up with this shitty treatment. You can try visiting a counselor, but I’d stop by a lawyer’s office on the way home. It’s a shame about the son, but how much good is it doing him to watch her act like this?

DEAR AMY: I had a child before I met my husband. When we got married, my husband adopted my daughter, who was a year old at the time. We then had three more children. Now they're all grown and have children of their own.

My mother-in-law now wants to have a "generation picture" done. She plans to include only the children my husband and I have biologically together. My husband considers my daughter to be "our" daughter.

Is it rude of his mother to ask for pictures with our other children and exclude her?

If my mother-in-law won't include our daughter in the shot, I feel no pictures should be taken.

--CONFUSED AND HURT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I agree. If your husband adopted your daughter, she must have lived with you all those years. For your mother-in-law to want to exclude her now, she must be either senile or just an extraordinarily mean and petty old bag.

Either way, it’s time to get a nursing home on speed dial. She can take her “exclusively biological” family photo and set it on the back of the toilet she shares with an incontinent woman named Mrs. Fleezly.

DEAR MARGO: My partner and I have been together for 26 years. After a messy divorce, he said he didn’t need a piece of paper to tell him whom to love. A few months ago I finally got up the nerve to tell him how dissatisfying our sex life has been. I asked him if he wanted to tell me anything, and he said he had not been aware that there was a problem. I tried to be as specific as I could, while at the same time not blaming him. He knew I was inexperienced, because I told him.

Now to the problem: Since our "talk," we have not had sex. In fact, he seems to fall asleep on the couch more and more. I wanted things to get better, not worse. We barely have a relationship anymore. I’ve tried several times to talk things out, but he says almost nothing. I dislike him more each day. He is not abusive and supports our son in every way. My family all love him. I just see our relationship disappearing! I still love him, but I sure don’t like him very much anymore.

--F.R.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Let me get this straight: are you trying to tell me that, after 26 years, you’re trying to claim that you’re “inexperienced?” I sure hope I read that wrong.

As far as the sex problem: he was probably not all that hot in the sack to begin with, but obviously you’re not very good at constructive criticism, because whatever you said turned this guy completely off. And if you dislike him, imagine how he must feel about you—it’s no coincidence that he’s sleeping on the couch.

You’d both better get to a counselor. And this time, please leave the talking to someone who knows how to do it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a dental professional office and have a dilemma. This is a privately owned office with only one dentist and I am the only employee hired for the reception area. My problem revolves around solicitors that decide to come in to the office. We do have a "No Soliciting" sign that does nothing to deter them. After listening to their speech, which is never short, I spend the next several minutes explaining, to no avail, that we are not interested.

My question is how do I politely refuse them without having to explain several times that I, nor the doctor, are interested in the products or services they are offering?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Skip the explanations. Point to the sign and tell them that since there’s only one reason they should be there, the dentist will start drilling immediately.

Death Tattoos, Tacky Wedding Presents and More Unwanted Advice From Aaron (4/17/09)

2009-04-17T09:32:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: My older brother moved from the East Coast to Wyoming 20 years ago, which put him in a different time zone -- two hours behind me. He died in June of last year.

I am planning to get a tattoo memorializing the date and time of my brother's passing, but have reached a dilemma. My brother died June 12 at 11 p.m. in Wyoming, but it was 1 a.m. June 13 here in Connecticut.

Which date should I use? I have asked friends who say I should go with what feels right to me, but others have told me to use the date on his death certificate. Which is correct?

-- DAY LATE AND TWO HOURS SHORT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

First, can I mention how creepy this whole thing sounds?

OK, now that’s passed.

Since you insist on putting your brother’s date and time of death indelibly on your skin—with needles—that will hurt—you should make it the date and time of his death, which happened in Wyoming. Therefore, you should use the 11 p.m. time.

DEAR ELLIE: I was seeing this woman for five months and everything was perfect. However, her new job has taken her away, and we haven't seen each other for five weeks. This "dream job" (her words) will take her to the north and then possibly to Europe. She wants me to follow and I desperately want to, but I own a small business and my children live in this area with their mother. Should I follow her?

Lately I've been going through difficult times missing her yet wondering if I follow her, will I be able to see my kids. I love her very much and I know she loves me although she's unwilling to make any concessions so it'll be me doing all the sacrificing. Do I hope we can re-establish the magic we had before she went off on her adventure or do I call it quits with her? She seems to be OK with it either way.

--GOING CRAZY

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Ultimately, the choice is yours, but let me put it this way: do you really want to give up your business and your relationship with your kids (who should be the most important things in your life right now) to pursue some tepid "magic" with someone who you admit doesn’t really care if you’re around or not, and who’s unwilling to make any sacrifices to keep you?

I’ll let you think about it for a while.

DEAR AMY: After a meal in a local restaurant I discovered to my horror that I had been given a "senior discount."

Thinking I might have been given someone else's bill, I called this to the attention of my waitress.

She looked at me quizzically and said, "Oh, we give these to anyone we think might be over 60."

Amy, I am 50-ish, and have always believed myself to be reasonably youthful in demeanor and appearance.

How should I have handled this? (I got angry, went home and cried, and was depressed for days afterward.)

— VINTAGE, NOT ANTIQUE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Well, I can safely say “not like that.”

Next time, ask her when her baby’s due. (Don’t ask me to explain—just do it.)

DEAR MARGO: I am 23 years old with two small children. My husband and I have been together for five years. He works out of town most of the week and our time together isn’t exactly romantic. Real life is bills and stress, so the loving relationship I want us to have goes out the window. An old romance contacted me and we started talking. Each day that we talked, more and more was discussed. Eventually we both acknowledged our feelings and said "I love you" to each other. It was long distance so there was nothing physical. It was merely a phone relationship. Then he called it off in a rather mean and hurtful way, saying cruel things about a very confused message I sent him. I am feeling heartbroken and guilty. I have a great husband, yet this person invades my thoughts. Should I forget the past and let go?

--FIXATED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Yep. This old flame is clearly a creep who was stringing you along until he was tired of you, then used that “confusing message” excuse to break it off roughly.

You married young, and probably weren’t ready for the heavy dose of reality that come pouring in. It doesn’t sound like an ideal situation, but it doesn’t sound all that uncommon, either, and others have made these arrangements work.

Talk it over with your husband and see if there’s any chance he can be put in a position that requires less traveling (at least trying will show that he puts value on the relationship) so that you can spend relaxing time together when you’re not busy constantly dealing with problems. This will make the time less stressful and you won’t associate your time together with whacking moles. (Unless that’s what gets you both going. To each his own, I say.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brand-new husband and I eloped late last year due to the financial cost of having a wedding. We sent out announcements to both of our extended families to notify them of our happy news, and received a most horrid gift in return: my husband's aunt and uncle had co-written a book on marital infidelity and sent it along with a card inviting us to attend (and pay for) one of their weekend seminars. They even went so far as to autograph the inside cover.

My husband and I have never had so much as a heated argument, much less an affair on either side. We're both offended and positive this was an act of self-promotion. Our question is, do we write a thank-you note for an offensive gift? Thank you for your insight.

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, you just return the card declining to attend the seminar. If you feel the gift was offensive (and it was certainly thoughtless, at best), then no further explanation should be necessary.

This Just In! Our Elected Officials Have No Time For Us!! Say It Isn't So!!!

2009-04-15T12:22:00.002-04:00

Color us stunned. The oldest game in the world is the one where you immediately shank those whose backs you rode to get up the ladder. Did we expect our politicians (who are known for being scumbags) to be any different?

In the words of Marcia Brady's bitchy friend who stepped all over her after she helped her win Miss Popularity (or Small-Curd Cottage Cheese Queen, or whatever contest it was):

"It doesn't matter how I got here. The point is, I've arrived."

Aaron's Unwanted Advice-4/10/09 ("It's Late in Honor of Our Savior's Death" Edition)

2009-04-10T17:37:00.002-04:00

DEAR ABBY: I am writing about your response to "John in Savannah" (Feb. 1), the 24-year-old man who is unsure how to explain to people that using a belt to discipline his three little girls is different from abuse.

Sometimes, in order to teach that actions or behaviors are inappropriate, some form of punishment, whether it's a spanking or a time-out, becomes necessary. I give my children three chances when they misbehave. If they continue, they are punished. They know that there will be consequences if they do wrong. Like John's children, mine are also frequently praised for being courteous and well-behaved.

Small children do not understand long-term punishment like grounding, taking away toys, etc. By the time the duration of that kind of discipline has passed, the child has forgotten the reason for it. For young children to understand the consequences of wrong behavior, the measures must be swift and short-term.

John should answer those who ask by saying he uses "consistent discipline accompanied by corporal punishment when necessary." If more parents did the same as John and me, we'd have fewer behavior problems in schools.

-- MOM IN CONTROL IN GAINESVILLE

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Giving a kid a swat on the hiney with your open hand is one thing—we were spanked sometimes as kids, and it didn’t kill us. (Truthfully, our parents found other ways to scare us, so they didn’t have to spank us that often.) BUT—hitting a little kid with an object, like a belt or a switch, is quite another story. You don’t know how hard you’re actually hitting them, or how much injury you might be inflicting.

Congratulations on your well-behaved little darlings, but there’s no getting around the fact that hitting a small child with a belt is abuse. “John” is lucky he hasn’t had to “explain” his actions to Social Services, rather than just a few annoying ol’ Nosey Parkers.

If you’re still unconvinced, then maybe somebody ought to clobber you with a belt and see how you like it. And this time, you won’t get to wear the leather mask.

DEAR ELLIE: I've been with my husband for 10 years; we have a daughter, 8, and he has a son, 12, who's never lived with his dad (the parents split up before he was born). His son visits frequently and lately claims the mother's boyfriend is mean to him, but I know his mother would never allow that. I'm sure he gets smart with the boyfriend and doesn't like his response or the fact that his mother has a man in her life.

My husband and I are well off financially; we go many places and do lots of things, and I think that's another reason why he wants to live with us. We give him everything from expensive game consoles to the newest clothes. We have family nights where we all do activities together, so he's not lacking attention.

He's a spoiled brat who wants all of my husband's time, and my daughter and I on the back burner. He acts smug because he's able to do this when he visits-- he dominates my husband's time with "tall tales" about his life at his mom's house.

My husband feels guilty and goes out of his way to make him feel special while shutting out my daughter and myself. His mother has told me that he's very jealous of our daughter because she lives with her dad.

I don't want my stepson to live with us. I can't stand how he's conning my husband. I don't want the responsibility of dealing with a pre-teen before I have to. I like my life the way it is. I don't know how to prevent him from moving in or bring it up to my husband. I don't want to appear insensitive to his "poor unfortunate son." What can I do?

--CAN’T BEAR IT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I don’t know who’s the bigger brat—you or the son. So you’ve got it pretty cushy, huh, and don’t want to share? Get over yourself, Imelda. And if you “can’t bear it” now, just wait until that daughter, 8, hits puberty! You’d better buckle up, sweetie pie, because adolescence is one bumpy ride.

When you married your husband, I’m assuming you knew he had a son (who would have been 2 at the time). Once you marry someone with kids, those kids become yours too, and you must have also known that he would eventually grow and become a teenager. So whether or not you realized it, you signed on a long time ago. Well, tah-dah--it’s showtime!

Kids tend to exaggerate things—hence the mother’s “mean boyfriend.” (Just how do you presume to know so much about the goings-on at his mother’s house, anyway?) This does not make your stepson a “con man” anymore than your saying that “you could just die” would require you to climb into a coffin and close the lid (although you’re encouraged to do so).

You said yourself that your family enjoys a lifestyle that’s pretty comfortable. It’s understandable that he’d be jealous of that, but it’s pathetic and ridiculous for a grown woman to skulk around pouting because her husband is spending too much time with his own son. If you feel you’re being left out, try scheduling activities for the whole family while the son is there. Otherwise, just shut up and slap a smile on that sour puss.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was changing my baby’s diaper in a public restroom the other day. The changing table had no privacy whatsoever, and anyone walking in or out of the restroom had full view of what was going on.

While most people seemed to avert their eyes, there was one woman who, while waiting for her children to wash their hands, kept looking over at my daughter while her diaper was off, and it made me very uncomfortable and upset. I don’t feel that staring at anyone, no matter how old, in that position is right.

What would be an appropriate way to say, “Would you please stop staring at my half-naked daughter, it’s quite rude?"

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

“So when does she get to see yours? It’s only fair since you’ve been gawking at hers.”

DEAR AMY: I would like to know your thoughts on displaying formal portraits of brides in their wedding gowns once the couple has divorced.

My sister-in-law continues to ask my opinion of the life-size portrait of her daughter on prominent display in her home. The marriage ended in bitter divorce, and her daughter has since remarried.

Until now I have tried to be kind and told her to do as she wishes in her home.

If she asks me again I am tempted to tell her that maybe it's time to take the picture down, as she and her daughter both hate the gentleman from the first marriage. I also cannot help wonder how it makes the new husband feel to have the portrait forced upon him.

It's her home, but she keeps asking for an "honest opinion." Any thoughts?

—SUFFERING SISTER-IN-LAW

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

I’d change the subject and ask her if she’s suffering—from Alzheimer’s, that is, since you’ve answered the same question on numerous occasions. Since the picture never changes, it’s unlikely to have gained weight or developed wrinkles, unless she’s living in an episode of Night Gallery.

Next time she brings it up, go ahead and ask why she keeps it displayed. Is she trying, in some subtle, evil, old-bitchy-mother-in-law way, to say that she likes her new son-in-law even less than the old one? If so, she’d better watch it, because two can play at that game, and he might just have a life-sized dartboard of her in his rec room.

A Few Pebbles in My Stream of Consciousness

2009-04-07T14:21:00.005-04:00

I was saddened to read about this firefighter’s passing. I remember reading the book The Fire That Will Not Die, written by one of the survivors of the Our Lady of Angels School Fire (who has since passed away), and it struck me at the time how especially awful it was that the tragedy happened so close to Christmas. The fire happened in 1958--the kids were about the same age as my mom. (Incidentally, the photo of the fireman that accompanies this story is just the saddest thing in the world—he’s carrying the body of a 10-year-old who died from smoke inhalation.)

Speaking of unfortunate children, I feel mega-sorry for this kid. I saw her parents on A Bachelorette Wedding a few years ago (by default--it was on TV wherever I was) and hoped to God that these vapid Hasselbeck clones never reproduced. I hope there are some strong (non-relative) role models in this little girl’s life—she’s gonna need ‘em.

This is a cool idea, but I don’t know if it’s necessary to spend that much money to find out when it’s time to head for the basement.

Aaron's Unwanted Advice (4/3/09 Edition)

2009-04-03T10:06:00.002-04:00

DEAR ELLIE: I'm married to a man of two personalities: sweet, docile man and sexually addicted liar. After my previous divorce, we dated for five years, during which he had an affair. We broke up and eventually reconciled. Since marrying, there've been hints of him visiting porn sites. When confronted, he'd be Mr. Nice Guy. However, he never had time to help the family or provide for us.

He's a compulsive spender even when he doesn't have a job. I've always provided for the family. Last year, he admitted he'd been seeing high-price prostitutes since we married. I then realized why I contracted an STD (which he'd blamed on his prior indiscretion).

Now we're separated but he kept coming back -- charming, nice and even shared his phone record (not e-mails) to prove his "innocence." I received gifts and flowers, and it's very tempting. However, he refused to see a counselor. Are my feelings persisting because I'm lonely or am I a "co-dependent"?

--CHEATED AND CONFUSED

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Neither. You’re just not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The man cheated on you during a five-year relationship, has never contributed to the household, patronizes hookers and gave you an STD, for Christ’s sakes.

How many bricks do you need to fall on your head?? You need a CT scan. And under no circumstances let this man back into your life. Tell him to save the money he spends on flowers (assuming he hasn’t stolen them from a cemetery), and use it to buy a Chevy Vega to live in.

DEAR AMY: My wife has been invited to a baby shower. The expectant mother is our 21-year-old grandson's girlfriend. They are not married.

I am against honoring this lack of commitment and their unwed pregnancy with a gift, which says we approve of what they're doing.

My wife says the gift is for the baby, and therefore it is OK. In addition, she is fearful of hurting our grandson.

What should we do?

—AT ODDS

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Buy a damned gift. Whether or not these two are legally hitched, that baby is still your great-grandchild. Do you want to punish the kid because its parents haven’t been through The Pageantry? And your wife is right, there’s no point in hurting your grandson. You can find plenty of other ways to express your Old Man disapproval—you can threaten him with disinheritance, lecture him sternly about good old-fashioned family values (throwing in a few good anecdotes about walking back and forth to school, uphill both ways), and blast Fox News when he comes in the house. Have fun with those, Grandpa Grumps.

In the meantime, if you do choose to go the disowning route, remember: you only have one will to cut him out of. There are many Christmases left for you guys to be alone (because if you think his parents won’t take his side, you’re bananas). Think about it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a terrible secret for the past five years. I don't love my older son. He is very difficult and has been since infancy. Don't get me wrong -- I'd jump in front of a bus to save him -- but I don't like him.

I have a degree in psychology and have taught child development. I have taken parenting classes and read every book that's available on hard-to-manage children. But I have yet to find something that can help me, and I feel terribly alone. My husband tries, but he doesn't understand what it's like because he is mostly at work.

I am involved in parenting groups, playgroups, etc., but the other mothers all seem to be doing everything "better" than I am, and I have never heard any other mom admit to having negative feelings toward her kid.

What makes it worse is I adore my younger son and feel a special bond with him. I know this must be awful for the older boy because I'm sure he senses it, no matter how hard I try to hide it. But I don't know how to change what I feel. Abby, how can I change things? I desperately want to be the kind of mother my son deserves.

-- ASHAMED IN CALIFORNIA

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

What is it with you child psychologists-cum-parents? You’re always into that “being totally honest and not-believing in hypocrisy” thing, so you insist that it’s “OK to admit to yourself that you love one child more than another.” What kid wouldn't be difficult if he had to live with that?

Please save your parental primal scream for when the kids are grown and you can take that nice, long Calgon bath—right now, your job is to be a good parent to both of them and not make it obvious that you like your younger son better. It’s bad enough that parents naturally tend to favor one kid over another anyway—you don’t need to rub the older one's nose in it.

How can you not to love your own child? Even Rhoda Penmark’s mother loved her, for Christ’s sake. It may be difficult to like them all the time, which is normal, and may be what you really mean. I sure hope so.

It’s always the kids of psychologists (especially ones like you) who are the most fucked up, so you’d better get his ass to a good child shrink before you end up turning out another David Berkowitz.

DEAR MARGO: When I was a teenager, my father cheated on my mother with his best friend’s wife (a close friend of my mother, or so my mother thought). Needless to say, my parents are now divorced. After leaving our family, my father neglected to stay in contact with us — despite the fact that he lived a few blocks away — and I have not spoken to him in 12 years.

Oddly enough, he sent my sisters and me a Christmas card this year and enclosed his telephone number. What is he trying to do? What is his motivation? I have long since dismissed my father from my life and find myself apathetic to the entire situation. I would like to continue living my life as I have been. Is this normal? What would you do in my place?

— ESTRANGED AND COMFORTABLE WITH IT

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

Send him a card back enclosing your phone number. That should make it clear that it's on him to pick up the phone and call.

I can understand not wanting to jump right back into a relationship with a father who disappeared from your life through no fault of your own, but leave the door open. There could have been lots of reasons that he never got in touch, and he may deserve the chance of at least explaining himself.

Having said that, there’s no reason why it should be up to you to make the first call, which is why you should just write back with your phone number. The message should be that you might be open to speaking with him, but he’s gonna have to work for it.

And if you do talk to him, and find that you’re still more comfortable keeping your distance, you can tell him that. You might find it therapeutic.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I employ five people in a small manufacturing setting. I encourage my employees to be friendly and have no problem with them talking during work or listening to the radio with their ear buds.

During the course of the day, I have occasional questions regarding the job. I will walk into the manufacturing area, and if I determine that the conversation is of a personal nature, I will politely stop the conversation and ask the business question at hand.

One of my employees thinks I should allow them to complete their personal chatter, and when they're finished, I can speak to them.

My feeling is that this is my time, and I pay the salary. When I have business to conduct, all else should come to a stop, and the business should be taken care of.
Am I being ill-mannered to expect that the workday is to come first?

THE UNWANTED ADVISOR SAYS:

No, you are not. If they are in the work area--where the purpose is work--they should expect that their pointless nattering may be legitimately interrupted at any time. They can use their break time or lunch hours to yabber about whatever stupid television show they gawked slackjawed at the evening before.

If they object, perhaps you should remind them that if they so choose, they can spend their entire days making inane chitchat at their prolonged leisure.

My Open Letter to the International Olympic Committee

2009-04-02T10:07:00.002-04:00

Dear Olympics People,

Run away. Run far, far away. Run fast. Don't turn back. This place costs us enough as it is without building a bunch of useless shit that will be forgotten as soon as the corndog wrappers are swept up.

Oh, and I won't be putting on a happy face for you during your visit. It's best you get to know us as we really are. And you ain't gonna like it, because we ain't gonna kiss nobody's ass. (Remember, we voted for Blago--twice--we clearly don't care what anyone thinks.)

Sincerely,

Taxpaying Chicagoan

The 'Light' Goes Out

2009-04-01T16:58:00.002-04:00

I knew it was only a matter of time, but this was still a tiny pain in my heart. Of course, I haven't watched in years (the show jumped the shark long ago), but it was still a part of my growing-up. It won't be the last to go, either, I'm sure...

I wonder what Kim Zimmer will do now?? She became the matriarch of the show after the first one, Bert Bauer, passed away. Strangely, I remember when KZ joined the show (I was 15) and, before that, her first daytime role on The Doctors--as Kathleen Turner's replacement.

I just hope that the networks don't decide to fill the programming gap with shitty reality shows (although they probably will). Or, worse yet, Judge Judy. (Christ, I hate that woman.)

One More Reason To Like Sean Penn

2009-03-30T10:04:00.002-04:00

Not only did he divorce Madonna once (well, OK, he had to marry her first, but everyone's entitled to some temporary insanity), but he also makes Bill O'Reilly angry.

And an angry Bill O'Reilly is one that could eventually have a heart attack.

Keep up the good work, Sean.

(Yeah, I don't have much compassion where the Fox News Garden Gnome is concerned. Tough.)